Danilo Kiš - The Attic

Believe me, I would never utter your name again.

Alas! If only I could contribute something toward this abortion of yours with my old lute!

But for that kind of money you couldn’t even get the lowliest midwife from the other side of the tracks to soil her hands.

It rains so often here that the moonlight is splashing.

Eurydice, put your arms around me!

You aren’t always the same, either, you who appear in the likeness of Eurydice, from out of the words, shadow, and veil. On the outskirts of the city your voice spreads luxuriantly, peacefully across the windows, like dusk, blue. In the moonlight it starts to resonate — like a harp, like. .

But in the attic, toward evening, when your breasts are bare, your voice becomes a caress, a miracle, a violet blossom.

“My beloved, you’re kind of quiet today,” she said. “How can you be sad when I love you?”

We were standing under the bridge, watching as the cloudy green water whirled off into the twilight.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Why do people always flip off the lights when the caresses begin? There’s only the occasional flicker of a candle or glimmer of twilight.”

“Oh,” she agreed. “You’re right. Tenderness is. .”

“Why did you stop? Say it: tenderness is. .?”

“I don’t know, it’s. .”

“This dreary rain is to blame for everything,” I said. “And this gloomy water. Let’s get away from here. To the movies. Or to a café.”

“It’s late,” she said. “I’m also feeling a bit melancholy. I can’t put my finger on it. .”

“It isn’t late. I’ve got an idea. Let’s go to the attic. Why didn’t we think of this before?”

And there we were, climbing up the slick steps, holding hands as lovers have done since time out of mind. Upstairs the glow from the streetlights overcame the gloom. The rain fluttered like a swarm of tiny insects around the chandelier. Our pale shadows quivered in the puddles on the shimmering asphalt.

“You’re wearing a new dress,” I said, as an excuse for gazing at her. And then I heard her answer.

“New? You are conversant with my wardobe?”

“I am right, am I not?”

“Yes. I recently had it made here. Do you like it?”

“Very much,” I said, letting my gaze pass over her again before casting my eyes down. “Do you want to dance?” I added.

“Would you like to?” she asked, her brows raised in surprise, but still with a smile.

“I’d do it, if that’s what you want.”

“You’re not quite as well-mannered as I thought you were,” she said. When I dismissed this with a laugh, she added: “Your cousin has already gone.”

“Yes, he is my cousin,” I confirmed quite unnecessarily. “I also noticed a while ago that he had left. I’m sure he’s taking his rest cure.”

“ Nous causons de votre cousin. Mais c’est vrai , you are all a little bourgeois . Vous aimez l’ordre mieux que la liberté, toute l’Europe le sait .”

“ Aimer. . Aimer. . Qu’est-ce que c’est! Ça manque de définition, ce mot-là . What one man has, the other loves, comme nous disons proverbialement ,” I contended. “I have been giving freedom some thought of late,” I continued. “That is, I heard the word mentioned so often, that I started thinking about it. Je te le dirai en français what I’ve been thinking. Ce que toute l’Europe nomme la liberté est peut-être une chose assez pédante et assez bourgeoise en comparaison de notre besoin d’ordre — c’est ça! ”

“ Tiens! C’est amusant. C’est ton cousin à qui tu penses en disant des choses étranges comme ça? ”

“No, c’est vraiment une bonne âme , his is a simple temperament, not prone to dangers, tu sais. Mais il n’est pas bourgeois, il est militaire .”

“Not prone to dangers?” she repeated with great effort. . “ Tu veux dire: une nature tout à fait fermée, sûre d’elle-meme? Mait il est sérieusement malade, ton pauvre cousin .”

“Who told you that?”

“We all know about one another here.”

“Did Director Behrens tell you that?”

“ Peut-être en me faisant voir ses tableaux .”

“ C’est-à-dire: en faisant ton portrait ?”

“ Pourquoi pas. Tu l’as trouvé réussi, mon portrait? ”

“ Mais oui, extrêmement. Behrens a très exactement rendu ta peau, oh vraiment fidèlement. J’aimerais beaucoup être portraitiste, moi aussi, pour avoir l’occasion d’étudier ta peau comme lui .”

Then I gazed mutely a while longer at the ceiling, at Venus’s thighs. How selfishly had I grown accustomed to this new role! My God! What an amorphous stain these thighs of Venus were in comparison to this skin!

“Let’s do that,” I said mechanically again. And so we went on speaking softly, our conversation covered by the piano. “Let’s sit here and watch, as if in a dream. It is like a dream for me, you know, for me to be sitting here like this— comme un rêve singulièrement profond, car il faut dormir très profondément pour rêver comme cela. . Je veux dire: C’est un rêve bien connu, rêve de tout temps, long, éternel, oui, être assis près de toi comme à présent, voila l’éternité. ”

“ Poète !” she said. “ Bourgeois, humaniste et poète. . ”

“ Je crains que nous ne soyons pas du tout et nullement comme il faut! ” I responded. “ Sans aucun égard. Nous sommes peut-etre life’s orphans, tout simplement .”

“ Joli mot. Dis-moi donc. . Il n’aurait pas été fort difficile de rêver ce rêve-là plus tôt. C’est un peu tard que monsieur se résout à addresser la parole à son humble servante .”

“ Comment? C’était une phrase tout à fait indifférente, ce que j’ai dit là. Moi, tu le remarques bien, je ne parle guère le français. Pourtant, avec toi je préfère cette langue á la mienne, car pour moi, parler français, c’est parler sans parler, en quelque manière — sans responsabilité, ou comme nous parlons en rêve. Tu comprends? ”

“ A peu près .”

“ Ça suffit. . Parler, ” I continued, “ pauvre affaire! Dans l’éternité, tu sais, on fait comme en dessinant un petit cochon: on penche la tête en arrière et on ferme les yeux .”

“ Pas mal, ça! Tu es chez toi dans l’eternité, sans aucun doute, tu la connais à fond. Il faut avouer que tu es un petit rêveur assez curieux .”

“ Et puis ,” I said, “ si je t’avais parlé plut tôt, il m’aurait fallu te dire vous !”

“ Eh bien, est-ce que tu as l’intention de me tutoyer pour toujours? ”

“ Mais oui. Je t’ai tutoyé de tout temps et je te tutoyerai éternellement .”

“ C’est un peu fort, par example. En tout cas tu n’auras pas trop longtemps l’occasion de me dire tu. Je vais partir .”

It took a while before what she had said penetrated my conciousness. But then I started up, looking about in befuddlement, like someone rudely awakened from sleep. Our conversation had proceeded rather slowly, because my French was clumsy and I spoke haltingly as I tried to express myself. The piano, which had been briefly silent, struck up again. .

“What are you going to do?” I asked, flabbergasted.

“I am leaving,” she repeated, smiling in apparent amazement at the frozen look on my face.

“It’s not possible,” I said. “You’re joking.”

“Most certainly not. I am perfectly serious. I am leaving.”

“When?”

“Why, tomorrow. Après dîner .”

Something collapsed inside me. I asked: