Robert Coover - Gerald's Party

My wife, looking on, smiled and took my arm. There was a loud spewing sound behind us, someone gagging. ‘Young love …!’ she sighed.

‘Goddamn it, Carmody! This is piss!’

‘We’ll have to think of something for a wedding present …’

‘Hey, you guys! Come in here! You don’t wanna miss this!’ I could hear toward the back what sounded like (‘’Fya don’ like it, shifface, giv’t back!’) wild guttural laughter, utterly insane, and the crack of whips. Or belts.

‘Madre de dios! ees getteeng roff!’ Hilario gasped, staggering out of the dining room just as the others (something crashed) went pushing in. He wobbled toward us with his legs exaggeratedly bowed and his eyes bugged out. ‘Now Olga theenk he ees a horse and everybody ees rideeng heem! Hair.’

‘Where have they all come from, Hillie?’ This never used to happen. Michelle’s dream of the old lady’s infested navel came to mind: it’s what comes from growing old. ‘What am I going to do? ’

‘You wan’ get reed?’

‘Sure, but—?’

‘Seemple like a tart, Cherry! Don’ cry!’

My wife, rummaging through the hall closet, said: ‘My good fur wrap is missing, too.’

‘La serpiente — what you say the dance-sneak, no?’ He reached forward as though gripping a waist and did a little rumba step. The guy they were calling Carmody, hugging his pale green bottle and muttering, ‘I know wha’m doing , wobbled past us ( ‘Yippee! Let ’er rip! ’ shouted someone in the dining room) and disappeared through the front door.

‘ Look out! ’

‘Yow—!!’ Crash!

‘Eet always work!’

‘That would be nice, Hillie, I’ll put some music on,’ my wife offered, but just then Charley came banging back through the front door and grabbed us both: ‘Wait, you guys! I forgot!’ ‘Pairmeet me!’ Hilario smiled, bowing from the waist. He shuffled gracefully off toward the living room, hands still on the imaginary waist. ‘I sold my car!’

‘Your car?’

‘Yeah, the big station wagon. Your buddy — travel agent guy. Hey, whaddaya cryin’ about, Ger? I got a fan- tas -tic deal!’ He fished around in his jacket pockets, came up with a crumpled check. The crazy whinnying had stopped. I could hear the music now in the living room. Hilario was turning the volume up. ‘See? Awmoss twice what I paid for it!’

‘Charley, isn’t this check signed “Waterloo”?’

‘’Ass right — hah! ole Waterloo — you ’member! That dumb shit!’

I glanced up at my wife: she sighed and shook her head. ‘I showed them everything …’

‘Whuzzamatter?’ He stared in puzzlement at the check, held it up to the light.

‘Listen, Charley, you take my car for now.’ I handed him the keys. The music was getting louder.

‘Hunh? Oh yeah, thanks, ole buddy!’ He wrapped his arms heavily around me. ‘Hey, I love ya, Ger! I mean it!’ He hauled out his handkerchief and wiped my eyes and then his own. Over his shoulder I could see a line of people, hands on one another’s hips and led by Hilario (he winked and raised his long fingers in a V), come hopping and kicking out of the living room, all singing along with the music, now turned up full volume: ‘ Don’t LAUGH, it may be LOVE …! ’ The woman who’d hit the door lintel with her face was still out cold, the guy who’d carried her in now dragging her along by one ankle. As they wound toward the back into the dining room (‘Hey! wait for me!’ people shouted, grabbing on to the tail), Dolph and Louise came squeezing out past them, holding hands, looking flustered and confused. Beside me, my wife caught her breath, and Charley, pulling away ( ‘It’s YOU I’m thinkin’ OF! ’), said: ‘Great goddamn party, Big G! Bess I ever wen’ to!’

‘I guess we gotta second that,’ Dolph grinned.

‘Is it true, then?’ asked my wife, and Louise blushed and nodded. They fell into a big tearful embrace and then Dolph hugged my wife and Louise hugged me: she was trembling and I thought I heard her gasp something about ‘love you’ or ‘because of you,’ it was hard to tell because things were getting pretty noisy. They both hugged Charley, who seemed to have no idea what it was all about, then hugged us again (they’d been standing in the smoke too long and smelled a bit charred), Louise now almost unable to breathe for excitement. While Dolph had his arms around me (‘I love it!’ Charley was saying. ‘God -damn it, Louise!’), I stage-whispered in his ear: ‘ If you grab my buttocks, Dolph, I’ll bite your ear off! ’ Dolph laughed, a squeaky but joyful laugh, unlike any we’d heard in over a year, and my wife, in tears, hugged them both again. ‘I’m so happy for you!’ she cried, and Charley, punching Dolph in the ribs, said: ‘’Sbeaut-iful! I mean it!’

Hilario’s snake dance, meanwhile, had come winding out of the living room again, led now by Olga, who seemed to think she was a frog: she was down on her haunches, hopping along, her big cheeks bouncing rhythmically off the floor, and shouting ‘ Borp! ’ every time she leaped into the air. The line coiled to the rear of the hall, Olga going ‘ Borp! Borp! ’ in front of them, then swung round and hopped toward us again.

‘ Life is ONLY what you SEE …! ’

Dolph said something about influence, but the noise in the hall was deafening. ‘WHAT—?’

‘I SAID YOU GUYS—’

‘ Borp! ’

‘ Here they come! ’

‘ So come DANCE along with ME! ’

‘ Look out—! ’

My wife flung the door open and we pulled apart to let them by, but Olga, as though in panic, stopped dead at the threshold. Hilario prodded her effectively — ‘ BORP! ’ — in the behind.

‘ You’re a genius, Hillie! ’ I shouted.

He laughed, kicking. ‘ I promeese dem all w’en we outside we EAT de FROG! ’ And then he was gone, the long line hopping and whooping behind: ‘ Won’t you TRY to under-STAND … ’

My wife seemed to be saying something. ‘ WHAT? ’ I cried. Horner had his hand up the skirt of the woman in front of him: she bounced rigidly as though on coiled springs, her eyes glazed, mouth agape.

‘ I said, I get the feeling half my wardrobe walked out the door tonight! ’ She pointed at Beni, who, one hand cupping his silk codpiece affectionately, winked and shouted out a ‘ Ciao!’ ‘Or hopped!’

‘If you’re the GLOVE, then I’m the HAND! ’

A guy with a runny nose and what looked like dried vomit down his shirtfront staggered out of the line and threw his arms around us. ‘ G’nigh’! ’ he shouted. ‘’ Nkyou fr’inviding us! ’ He seemed to be crying. ‘ C’mon, Boomer! you’ll get left behind!’ ‘ ’S been so … shit! … so—’ ‘Soup’s on, Boomer!’ ‘So goddamn … I don’ know howta … God! yareally SWELL! ’ he sobbed and grabbed up my wife’s hand and kissed it. Or maybe he was only wiping his nose on it. Then he stumbled back into the line, disappearing through the door.

Slowly the sound wound away from us as the dancers snaked past. A guy with an eyepatch waved a bottle at me, Bunky blew a kiss — ‘ Noble said to say thanks, Gerry, thanks a lot!’ — Scarborough moved lugubriously out of step. ‘ If I’m the HAND, then you’re the GLOVE …! ’ they sang, kicking, the music still blasting away. The woman getting dragged along at the tail seemed to be coming around at last. ‘Phil …?’ she asked as her head bumped over the threshold. ‘Where am I, Phil …’