Robert Coover - Gerald's Party

‘Wait a minute, what do you know about theater, you dumb fuck?’ Quagg exploded.

‘Hell, he’s nothing but a goddamn preacher, Zack.’

‘One goddamn night of pissing around, and you think you’ve seen it all? You weren’t even in at the death, fer chrissake!’

‘Don’t tell me it’s all over! ’ Prissy Loo wailed, her moustache listing. ‘Zack, you promised! ’

‘What do you know about blocking and backing, asshole? Glue guns and gobos?’ Alison’s husband only smiled faintly. ‘What about conventions, eh? Peripety, goddamn it? Teasers, timing—’

‘Timing?’ Alison’s husband gazed round at us, stroking his beard. ‘Peripety?’ He reached forward suddenly and yanked at the top half of the red pants suit as though to whip it off: Alison clutched at it and her pants fell down. He stepped on them and, as she bent over to grab them up, he shoved his hand in under his shirt and cracked a mock fart in his armpit. She blushed, tugging frantically at the trapped pants; he reached forward and grasped the nape of his wife’s neck, pressing her head down. He poked his finger up her rectum, felt around, came out with one of Ginger’s kerchiefs — in fact a whole string of them, knotted together: out they came, one after another, fluttering in the air as he tossed them high, more kerchiefs than you could imagine there’d be room for in there. And at the end, knotted to the last kerchief: the Inspector’s white silk scarf! The door opened behind us: it was Fred. ‘Excuse me, the Chief seems to have left his — ah! thank you …’ There was a burst of applause and whistles (Fred backed out with the scarf, hand to holster, looking nonplussed, or pretending to), even Zack had to join in. ‘You know, I think that sonuvabitch was just using me!’ he laughed.

‘ You! ’ cried Prissy Loo.

‘Yah?’ said Olga.

My wife was giggling beside me; I think it was the first time I’d seen her laugh all night. I smiled: just as Alison straightened up, flushed and hurt, to stare at me. I tried to erase the smile, but it seemed frozen there, as though stretched forcibly over my teeth. ‘The bright moon is serenely reflected on the stream,’ Hoo-Sin said, gazing into the hall mirror behind Alison: ‘What is it for?’ Well. I could only hope she understood. I tried to think of some way of explaining it all to her (‘Gosh, I give up,’ Janny yawned, ‘can you give me a hint?’), or at least of deflecting some of her anger, something about theater perhaps, or time, but before I could come up with anything, she had stumbled out past me, red pants binding her ankles, had tripped at the threshold, and completed her exit on her hands and knees, chased by another round of laughter and applause.

‘Whoo- hoo! ’

‘Look at them blue hereafters!’

‘Just as well her parents missed that,’ my wife murmured.

‘That was somethin’ special! ’

Alison’s husband paused at the door, all eyes on him still, his on me. Out in the front yard, someone shouted: ‘Hey hey! What wuzzat just creeped past?’ ‘I dunno, Dugan, but it was wearin’ the biggest smile I ever seen!’ ‘I believe you still have our watches,’ he said.

‘Oh yes, sorry! I’ll get them!’ But my wife stopped me: ‘I’m afraid someone … they’re not there anymore, Gerald.’

‘The watches, too—?!’

‘ This way, squad! I think we found the source! ’

Alison’s husband snorted disdainfully and touched his beard. Outside there was drunken laughter, curses, stumbling on the steps: ‘Wah! Look out! This place is alive! ’

‘However, if they turn up later—’ my wife began, reaching forward to take his hand, but he turned his back on her and strode stiffly out the door, a final ripple of appreciative applause trailing in his wake.

‘ Whoa! ’ exclaimed someone outside who, from the sound of it, had just tumbled down the porch stairs.

‘ Down boy! ’

‘ Yowzer! ’

‘Where was that dude goin’?’

‘Hard to say, Doog, but he was either awful sober — or awful drunk! ’

‘I dunno when I’ve had so much fun!’ Charley Trainer laughed, throwing his arms around us both. Janny stood by with her hands pressed together below her chin, eyes closed, listening to Hoo-Sin, while around us, some people I’d never seen before were pounding and clattering through the door, singing, shouting greetings, brandishing bottles and bits of clothing. ‘Oh dear,’ my wife sighed, shrinking into Charley’s arms. One guy was carrying a woman, wall-eyed with drink, on his shoulders: she failed to see the doorframe as he passed under it and smacked it with her face. ‘Somebody knock?’ asked the guy confusedly, swinging around, still holding the woman’s ankles and so wearing her collapsed body over his shoulders like a cape. ‘Ha ha! Who’s there?’ called another and Charley hugged us close: ‘You guys’re the cream! ’

‘ Leda! ’

‘Leda who, Moose?’

‘I mean it, Big G! My heart is full! ’

I could feel my wife’s heart emptying out, but she smiled and said, her voice catching: ‘I–I’m so glad you could all come …’ No one heard her but me — and Charley Trainer, who, pitching forward drunkenly, knocked his head on hers and growled: ‘Me too — but lemme tell ya, I hadda work like hell! ’

‘Hey hey hey! Izzat little Bunky Baird?’

‘Leda horse to water?’

‘Axel!’

‘Do we know these people?’ I whispered.

‘Naw! Guess again!’

‘And I’ll tell you no lies?’

‘I think we may have met some of them at Wilma’s house a long time ago, when she was still married to Miles …’

‘Miles?’

‘ Benedetto! ’

‘A Leda goes a long way?’

‘ Gwendoline! My love! ’

‘ Love the silk pocket, Beni! Très charmant!’

The new arrivals were spreading recklessly through the house, as though the place itself were hemorrhaging. ‘Please,’ I said, but no one was listening, they were all (‘Ha ha, we give up, Moose!’) hooting and laughing. ‘My oh my, look what’s not in that nightie!’ ‘Hey, I’m looking for Serena!’ ‘Is that rhubarb pie?’ ‘She ain’t here, Ralphie!’ ‘Vot’s hoo-bob?’ asked Olga, grinning stupidly and pushing the nightie down past her navel: at the back, it climbed halfway to her shoulders. ‘… Like so many particles of dust …,’ Hoo-Sin was murmuring in Janny’s ear, and Charley (‘Am I drunk, or are those lamps up onna ceiling?’), dipping his heavy head, smirked hopefully: ‘Hey, Ger, heard any good jokes lately?’ At the back, they were fanning the kitchen door ( ‘Leda me beside distilled waters—! ’) to clear the smoke. I could hear the refrigerator door whumping, drawers being opened and closed like marching feet.

‘… Floating, rising …’

‘You’re drunk, Claudine — and the lamps are on the ceiling!’

‘… Disappearing like clouds …’

‘ — Before da party’s SOBER! ’

‘Send your ole dad home with a l’il chuckle, whaddaya say?’

‘Haw haw!’

‘I’m fresh out, Charley. Nothing’s funny.’

‘… In the vast emptiness of unending space …’

‘Moose, you’re a scream!’

‘Aw, c’mon, Big G, have a heart!’ Charley pleaded, and Janny, her head tipping to Hoo-Sin’s shoulder, sighed: ‘You’ve got such a nice voice, Hoo-Sin …’

‘Do you think they’ll want something to eat, Gerald?’

‘ No! ’

‘… It nearly puts me to sleep …’