William Gaddis - Carpenter's Gothic

— And you can listen to that all the way to New York? He's, he's…

— He's what, I mean Bibbs what the hell is the matter? You think anybody wants to be here when Paul walks in the…

— I'm not talking about Paul! He's, he doesn't even know Paul, you and Paul, you don't know him either walking right in there telling somebody you've never, some perfect stranger telling him how awful Paul and his military school and his southern just, anything just making things up to hurt Paul when you don't even…

— Making things up! I mean are you kidding Bibbs? Like that dumb toy sword with his name engraved on it? you mean I made that up? All this military bullshit with these spades from Cleveland and Detroit in his broken down platoon out there kicking their ass to show them what the southern white officer class is all about I made all that up? I mean he's still out there on the Mekong Delta, he walks down the street everybody he sees is a gook, he's…

— Well he's not! He's, because you don't know everything you think you do, what he, how he came out what really happened you don't know the…

— Man I know he came out this same second fucking lieutenant like he went in didn't he? I mean when you told me his own father said it's a God damn good thing he…

— Well he didn't!

— I mean you told me his own…

— Because he wasn't, because I never said he was Paul's own father he was, because Paul was adopted that's what you didn't know, that's something you didn't know when you go around talking to perfect stra…

— Man then how am I supposed to know he's adopted! I mean all this time where he's putting on this good old boy bullshit like these stones? all these stones he's got numbered and crated he says they were this ancestor General Beauregard's fireplace for when he rebuilds the old family mansion? Oh man, I mean for making things up? I mean I'm the one that's supposed to be making things up just to hurt Paul? Man I mean like what do you…

— Because it's not to hurt Paul, it's me isn't it. It's to hurt me, isn't it.

— Man like wait Bibbs, I mean what…

— I mean talking about Paul and Daddy the last time you were here, how I always find somebody that's not as good as I am that it's always a, it's always somebody inferior that that's all I…

— Man like wait Bibbs, I mean wait! That's not what I, I mean it's like you've got this real secret self hidden someplace you don't want anybody to get near it, you don't even want them to know about it like you're afraid if some superior person shows up he'll like wipe you out so you protect it by these inferior types they're the only ones you'll let near you because they don't even know it's there. I mean they think they've taken over they never even like suspect you've always got the upper hand because I mean that's your strength Bibbs, that's like how you survive because if this real superior person moved in you'd be wiped out so you appeal to these real morons where they don't have a fucking clue who you really are, like how you let Paul knock you around so he thinks he owns you, I mean that bruise right there on your shoulder? did I make that up? I mean you know he's this fucking inferior person because you married the same thing you tried to get away from, the same…

— Well maybe I did! Because I, because sometimes I almost can't tell you apart you and Paul, you sound the same you sound exactly the same the only difference is he says your God damn brother and you say fucking Paul but it's the same, if I closed my eyes it could be either one of you maybe that's why I married him! If you think the only men I appeal to are fools, if all I ever look for is inferior men then maybe that's why!

— Oh Bibbs… He'd brought a hand up to his mouth as though to cover his lips, to bite the edge of a nail, suddenly he raised his eyes with a look that wrenched her square around to the kitchen doorway behind her.

— Oh I, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt, just my jacket… They watched his haste to where it lay crumpled in the chair there from the night before — just needed to get my jacket, almost done in there I'll only be a minute…

She watched it all as fast as a shadow flung across the room and back, leaving her staring at those hands interlacing, turned out, cracking the knuckles. — I wish you'd never said that, Bibb… and he wasn't looking at her, — I wish I hadn't made you say that… his voice as emptied as his eyes fixed somewhere on the floor between them when she got up in a turn round the end of the love seat without a sound till she came through the kitchen, a sound choked off somewhere between there and loss coming through that doorway for so long shackled closed upon everything she now knew not to be there.

— Be right with you… He came up knotting a trash bag tight, — just get these tied up and…

— What are you doing!

— Just getting these tied up so that…

— He won't be here, Paul won't be here he won't be here for hours he won't be here till suppertime you don't have to go, we've got the whole afternoon why are you going.

— I'd have to leave anyway, he's got a car out there and…

— Let him leave then, you don't have to just because he is do you? You can stay with me at least till…

— No no no, it's all right, I'm…

— It's not all right! None of it's all right no don't pat me, no! Since the minute he came in it's been look at this Billy, I'll tell you something Billy you look up at me as though you'd never, I mean what's it all about!

He had one arm in his jacket, standing there pulling it on slowly. — Something's come up, he said. — A couple of things I want to get into town to straighten out… He squared up his shoulders, buttoned a button — Elizabeth, listen…

— I don't want to listen… She'd already turned for the door — if you're going just, go.

And on into the kitchen behind her, — oh Mrs Booth? I'll leave that open, all those trash bags you've got Madame Socrate coming in?

— She's, yes, yes she…

— She can put them out then. And don't let her complain, some of it's heavy, those magazine bundles she likes to complain, have you had that?

— Your vacuum cleaner. She says it's foutu.

— You know I had to teach her how to use it? the vacuum cleaner? he came along briskly behind her into the living room unfurling the wad of that raincoat, pulling it on. — Came in she was dragging it around poking the brush into corners it wasn't plugged in, just doing what she must have seen one of those dim blondes playing housewife on television like a boy I took with me out near the Hawash river, he'd never seen a shovel, didn't know how to use one. Not stupid no, no just ignorance he learned how to use the damned shovel, that's the difference. Are you ready? He shot the frayed cuffs — wait, those books I just gave you?

— Man like what am I going to do with them now, I mean…

— What do you mean do with them. Read them! And they started aside from his burst back through the kitchen, caught there within reach when their eyes met and her arms came up in a sudden embrace holding close, Billy, Billy, barely audible in the arms sheltering her tight when he was back calling from the kitchen, — Mrs Booth? There was a piece of paper on the table here, a lot of arrows and crosses scribbled on it?

— It's there somewhere… she broke away, — but why in the world would you…

— No no no, it's just a phone number here it is, I wrote a phone number on it… By the time she reached the door he'd torn a finger's length from it there just east of Estrées, — it's nothing important is it?

And from behind her, — it looks like some of Paul's crap.

— Sorry… He came out with the books, too many of them, steeped up under one arm, reaching out the other as he passed in a try at squeezing her hand, — afraid I disturbed you Mrs Booth I, I'll try to call first if I come up again… He paused there, but the front door was being held open for him.