William Gaddis - Carpenter's Gothic

She sat now pursuing black stripe to white, intent as though bent over an embroidery frame. — Wouldn't he be surprised, she said finally. — That you hate him I mean, he doesn't even know it. He'd be amazed…

— Be amazed if I went out there and pushed him under a car to put him out of his misery. I've thought of that.

— I mean that's what those people in the newspapers do isn't it, when they say God told them to do it? She'd brought the face of the hide up flat on her knee, pushing a finger out through a hole where an eye had been — because isn't it strange. I mean when you think that those grasshoppers probably all just know the same thing but I mean with all these people, with all these millions and millions of people everyplace that no one knows what anyone else knows?

— Whatever your grasshoppers know that's one thing, you won't hear it from the females, they're practically silent, it's the males that…

— I'm not talking about grasshoppers! I'm, I mean that's just exactly what I'm not talking about I'm talking about you, about what you know that nobody else knows because that's what writing's about isn't it? I'm not a writer Mrs Booth I mean lots of people can write about all that, about grasshoppers and evolution and fossils I mean the things that only you know that's what I mean.

— Maybe those are the things that you want to get away from. Maybe those are the things that will eat you alive, sitting out there on that star with your powerful telescope watching your father with his Jack Russell terriers, I'll tell you what I'd see if I was there with you. I'd see myself lying under that truck just to get out of the broiling sun, the truck broke down and my boy pulled out, he just slipped away in the night. I told you they all thought I was crazy when they brought me in, when I said there was gold there, well I was. Two or three days out there roasting alive, drinking rusty water from the truck's radiator and I was delirious but I'd sworn to myself if I ever got through it that I'd remember what really happened. That all that kept me from losing my mind was knowing I was losing my mind but that it was there, the gold was there. And when they found it twenty years later it didn't matter anymore, proving I was the one who'd told them, none of it mattered anymore. All that mattered was that I'd come through because I'd sworn to remember what really happened, that I'd never look back and let it become something romantic simply because I was young and a fool but I'd done it. I'd done it and I'd come out alive, and that's the way it's been ever since and maybe that's the hardest thing, harder than being sucked up in the clouds and meeting the Lord on judgment day or coming back with the Great Imam because this fiction's all your own, because you've spent your entire life at it who you are, and who you were when everything was possible, when you said that everything was still the way it was going to be no matter how badly we twist it around first chance we get and then make up a past to account for it, sitting out on the Dog Star didn't you tell me? with your powerful telescope that that's what you'd see? being seduced at somebody's funeral those eight or nine light years away and that you'd be watching what really happened? The phone rang in the kitchen. — And did it?

— It always rings! She started up, wringing the stripes tight — no, whenever we, it always rings…

— Then why do you answer it?

— Because it might have been Paul! She paused there the moment it took for her face to colour, turned for the doorway and through it. — Yes, hello? clearing her throat, — Oh. He said you might call yes, he's not here, he won't be home till tomorrow or maybe Thurs… Yes about the estate, something about a stock option before this big lawsuit? He said he just wants a simple yes or… no I know yes, but… Yes but when you say going off half cocked, I mean I know he gets a little impatient sometimes but he's really just trying to help, he's… All right yes then I'll tell him to call Adolph, not to call you again but call Adolph…

She hung up standing staring down at the phone and then she raised it again, rustling aside papers for one with a number she dialed, and waited, and finally — hello? Yes I'm calling for… am I what? I, no, no I'm not a prayer partner no, I… I'm not calling the Lord's hotline no, all I… to what? No please, I mean I'm just trying to reach my husb… Yes thank you but that's not what I, I'm trying to reach my husb… no not on the Lord's hotline no, I thought… thank you, and she hung it up again standing there staring down at the pile of mail and suddenly reached for it, digging under it for that scrap of newspaper where eyes stared out through holes in the paper bag crushing it up in her hand as she came through the living room to tug the front door open on the still day out there broken only by the stabbing outcry of a crow commanding a height somewhere beyond the refuse of the night, an unhesitant reach for the mailbox and she came in spilling it to the table, Doctor Yount, B & G Storage, Mrs B Fickert (in pencil), Christian Recovery, F X Lopots Attorney at…

— Those trash bags, did you find some?

— What? Oh. Look they didn't even wait! That man who called this morning, that awful Mister Stumpp… paper tore, — he said if I didn't make a deal that I'd hear from Mister Lopots and they'd already mailed it.

— Mister Lopots.

— Well it's not funny! Failure to pay the amount due will result in litigation against you and an increased amount of monies you will have to pay, including interest, court costs, attorney's fees and disburse…

— They're just trying to frighten you, here… he took the letter from her and sat down, — give me the phone.

— Well they are frightening me. Unless payment is made immediately I will have no other choice but to… He'd already dialed. — Wait what are you…

— Mister Lopots? I'm calling on behalf of a Mrs Booth in the matter of Doctor Schak versus Booth, I have your… I have it right here there's no account number on it, it's just one of your cheap mimeographed threats to… Never mind that now Mister Lopots, just listen. If you want to go ahead with this, Mrs Booth will be glad to respond to any summons and complaint served on her in compliance with the law. She's prepared for the inconvenience of meeting your client in downtown court and any disbursements and costs if he wins his claim, which looks damned unlikely…

— No wait, please!

— I'm assuming your client's aware of how much court time of his this will involve Mister Lopots, and if you're thinking of a last minute adjournment when Mrs Booth shows up your client can expect to be served with a subpoena guaranteeing his appearance with all his records in this case, things like this so called detailed personal and medical history and this comprehensive consultation he sent to the wrong man if he sent it at all, is that all clear? If you want to confer with your client again and he decides to accept the payment she's already sent him, you should let her know promptly so she won't stop the check. Thank you Mister Lopots, goodbye.

— But do you think they…

— Forget about it… He came bent over a stove burner lighting the cigarette. — You see? They try to sound menacing but there's no malice there, just stupidity… he crumpled the letter, — just part of the trash… and dropped it in.

— You're going to stay? she said suddenly, — I mean until, if you want lunch there's nothing for lunch, I just have a glass of milk sometimes but, but supper, we could be in front of the fire like last night? I can call the store they can deliver something if we, I mean if you'll stay? Could they send up some decent veal then, he asked her, four or five veal scallops? and did she have any mushrooms? fresh ones, and heavy cream… — No but, I can order it but I mean I've only had that in restaurants I'm not sure I, I can do chicken though, if you… He'd do it he told her, and shallots, green onions if she didn't have shallots, and Madeira? was there any Madeira? — I don't think so but… A little white vermouth then, that would have to do he said turned for the door and stopped, that abruptly, with her up against him, her arm on his shoulders pulling him close, — can you? do all that?