William Gaddis - A Folic Of His Own

— What in God's name has Trish got to do with it.

— That nice looking young man who threw catsup on her chinchilla coat, he…

— It wasn't the chinchilla Harry, it was an old sable, I was with her wasn't I?

— At any rate, the…

— She only took the chinchilla because she thought her mother was going to give it to Mary, this old housekeeper companion Mary who's causing such a problem with the will. It's "worth thousands.

— At any rate…

— She never wears it.

— So she poured catsup on it to bring into court suing this poor guy for assault and the price of a chinchilla coat?

— What if she did! This poor guy, the insurance company pays for it what do you mean, this poor guy.

— He's in there claiming the court lacks jurisdiction, says he was acting under the guidance of a higher authority that's what reminded me of it, God in the courtroom like that Cyclone Seven jury down there, look. Just tell her to pay her retainer will you? You retain a firm like Swyne & Dour you pay their retainer. It's putting me in a hell of a spot.

— I thought they were delighted. You bring in a client with deep pockets, isn't that what you told me? that that's how you get made a senior partner?

— I didn't know a damn thing about it Christina! She gets in there and corners a senior partner about breaking her mother's will, waltzes right into Bill Peyton's office using my name when I was away I didn't know anything about it till he stopped me in the hall to congratulate me. She's already got them handling her pretrial hearing on this assault case, even had the firm representing her in small claims court over a hundred seventy two dollars she owes some shoe repair place. Swyne & Dour in small claims court? Our billing will run her three or four times that, they sent Mudpye down there to keep her happy and she still hasn't put up a dime, that snappy dresser who handled Oscar's deposition with Basic, will you…

— Yes and where is he Harry. Mister Basic, where is he. Oscar's been in a frenzy trying to reach him.

— Basic? He's, I don't know he's, how would I know, nothing he can do now anyhow but wait for…

— No it's something Oscar saw on television, I couldn't make out what it was all about on the phone he was in such a state, he just kept saying he thinks something's terribly wrong. That black actor who played the house slave in the movie, Button somebody? He says he's got to talk to Basic, he can't even reach Sam, your friend Sam, they don't return his calls and he's in a state anyway over his accident case with Lily back in the picture, God knows where she's been. That seventy five hundred dollar bill from that ambulance chaser she found for him filed court papers that have him suing himself, he can't even…

— Look he can't sue himself, can't be plaintiff and defendant in the same suit. He said he had some new lawyers on it didn't he?

— And do you know where he got them? He got them off a matchbook cover, he finally blurted it out, specialists in negligence and personal injury because they offered a free telephone consultation now he's up to his neck with them pressing him for a retainer like Trish, like you're pressing Trish for some miserable payment for…

— Look Christina you don't get Swyne & Dour off a matchbook cover! We don't even bother to litigate anything under a million, three quarters of a million, you retain Swyne & Dour you pay them a retainer nothing miserable about it either, probably asking her twenty five, fifty thousand it's putting me in a hell of a spot.

— If you're just trying to protect yourself Harry, I…

— Not protecting myself I'm protecting the firm! What do you want me to do, walk into Bill Peyton's office and tell him she's a…

— Well my God I mean can't they look out for themselves? They've been around haven't they? They've heard of her, haven't they? All over the papers with her diamond jubilees and that front page robbery?

— Of course they've heard of her, that she's litigious and difficult that's why they're giving me these gentle hints about this retainer because they think I brought her in and she wants the firm to handle that too, that insurance settlement she got on those diamonds they bought back for her? What do you want me to do, tell Bill Peyton she's a friend of my wife's who thinks everybody from the shoe repair man to her mother's old housekeeper and the Catholic Church are out to get her? and this cousin, some cousin who's suing her over some diamond bracelets?

— And you don't think these Catholics are out to get her? This Father God knows what his name is, some unpronounceable Pole they put on her mother's case he'd come over and ring around the rosary with the old crone in that dark cavernous drawing room every afternoon till she put them in this will of hers for enough money to cover sixty years of masses for the repose of what she called her soul?

— It will take sixty years from what I've heard of her, but…

— And these diamond bracelets Harry, that was just a question of language. There were two pairs of bracelets, one was described in the will as a matching pair of diamond bracelets and the other a pair of bracelets of matched diamonds and the cousin, she's fifteen she's only a child and so…

— And so your friend Trish walked off with the matched diamonds worth a hundred times the two matched bracelets the poor girl ended up with?

— She's only got two arms hasn't she? She, I mean she was perfectly happy with them, wanted to wear them out playing field hockey till her father made a scene over the wording, he's a basketball coach so you can imagine, it was only the wording, it was only a question of language.

— But, but damn it Christina that's what we're talking about! What do you think the law is, that's all it is, language.

— Legal language, I mean who can understand legal language but another lawyer, it's like a, I mean it's all a conspiracy, think about it Harry. It's a conspiracy.

— Of course it is, I don't have to think about it. Every profession is a conspiracy against the public, every profession protects itself with a language of its own, look at that psychiatrist they're sending me to, ever try to read a balance sheet? Those plumes of the giant bird like the dog cornering his prey till it all evaporates into language confronted by language turning language itself into theory till it's not about what it's about it's only about itself turned into a mere plaything the Judge says it right there in this new opinion, same swarm of flies he's stepping on down there right now with their motion to throw out the jury's verdict if they've got any sense.

— He can't do that can he?

— Wait and see.

— But how can he. I thought that this was in the Constitution, a jury of your peers?

— A story you hear in first year law school, same argument Oscar's grandfather got into with Holmes and here's his son, here's old Judge Crease down there following Holmes down the line. Justice Learned Hand exhorting Holmes 'Do justice, sir, do justice!' and Holmes stops their carriage. 'That is not my job,' he says. 'It is my job to apply the law.' Wait and see.

— And see what! My God Harry what's he trying to do down there, the whole world flying to pieces war, drugs, people killed in the streets while this brilliant Federal judge up for the high court spends his precious time on this piece of junk sculpture and some dead dog, what's he trying to do!

— Trying to rescue the language, Christina. Wait and see.

OPINION

James B., Infant v. Village of Tatamount et al., U.S. District Court, 5. D. Va.

453-87

CREASE, J.

This is a motion under Rule 50(b) of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure for a renewal of a motion for judgment as a matter of law after trial.