William Gaddis - A Folic Of His Own

— That's my grandfather no, they got everything wrong and that seventy five million dollars look, look at that pile of papers on the chair it's all motions affidavits and depositions I don't know how much it's going to cost, it's all…

— Well he said you'll win, he's always on the side of the creative individual he said standing up for your rights like he's helping you with your accident and you haven't even thanked him?

— Thanked him for what! Where is he anyhow, he's never helped anybody but himself has he? He's not standing up for my rights he's standing up for his own right to exploit my misery here for every penny he can, it's not his pain and suffering is it? it's not his scar he's going to wear to the grave, he's not going to pay all these doctor and hospital bills is he? I haven't heard anything from him since both of you were, what happened down there? Do you know how long you've been gone?

— I've been trying to tell you haven't I? When I thought by now you'd be all well and we can sit and talk without you getting mad like these two regular human beings now that you're almost able to sit up while I can hardly even, I think I'm catching cold here, put your hand back where it was, can't you twist around a little? Just unbutton my, feel it? how my heart's racing? her hand hard on his pressing it close there, lingering long enough only to make its absence felt as it emerged to trace a sharp nail down his cheek — where that old scar was that you're so mad about? You can hardly see it…

— Because it's on the other side! wrenching his face around, — there. Now can you see it?

— You're not even listening to me are you, no keep your hand there, you can be so cold Oscar. You don't think other people notice it but I do, you're thinking about something else I can tell when you do that with your eyes like the last time I saw you when tragedy struck? But all she got back for that was her own words scorned with a muttered edge to them — and that's all you can say? When my own brother gets killed in a car crash and you don't even call that when tragedy struck? just because this new lawyer was right there to help me I don't know what I would have done down there, Daddy sitting there just kind of numb with Mama staring at him and him staring at me like he didn't know who I am? Where I hardly got to ever talk to them alone because Reverend Bobby Joe was always there comforting them with how happy Bobbie is in the next world so Daddy wouldn't feel so bad about the car Reverend Bobby Joe kept calling the death instrument, that Daddy gave Bobbie the money to buy the death instrument and maybe this is all some grand design of the Lord where all this money's coming back because it was insured so Daddy can cleanse it by putting it in the Lord's service, look at these shoes. I just got them when I went down there where the heel's practically coming apart if I have to go to the Philippines but you don't want to know about that either do you where I can't even go to the doctor and…

— Well go to the doctor! I told you I'd help you with that didn't I?

— It's not my fault if they can't give me an appointment till he gets back from Acapulco is it? Can you feel it? that lump? if it got any bigger?

— It just feels harder, it's…

— That's not it, you know what that is. It's the other one anyway, the other side, no. Lower. Did it? I'm not getting any younger, look at my, now what are you looking at. You're thinking about something else aren't you.

— What do you think I'm thinking about! I'm thinking about you and that, that, about what went on down there with you and…

— See? You're not even listening. That's what I'm trying to tell you isn't it? How he was so kind and understanding with Daddy trying to help straighten up this old misunderstanding so maybe we can make up and have this reconciliation now that Bobbie's gone and they'll maybe give me some help where Daddy's going to get back all this money he put into Bobbie's name so the government wouldn't get it before tragedy struck?

— What about before tragedy struck. You said you hadn't gone to bed with him didn't you?

— I said I didn't go to bed with him because it was in his car, so there.

— But you, in his car? that BMW?

— Because I was mad at you that's why, because you hurt my feelings.

— What are you talking about.

— That you don't take me seriously as if I didn't have any feelings except my, don't squeeze it so hard, that's why.

— So you thought I wouldn't care if you climbed in the…

— If I didn't care for you it would never have happened in the first place! Because I care more for you than you do for me because if I didn't care for you then you couldn't hurt my feelings could you. Could you!

— So you climb in the back seat of his BMW and…

— Anyway it was the front seat, so there. When he was teaching me to drive.

— Front seat back seat and every motel in, you know how to drive! between here and Disney World that's the way you show how much you care for me? that you've thought of me once?

— I sent you that postcard didn't I?

— While you're, a picture of a rat in a cowboy suit while you're down there rolling around on a waterbed with…

— While you're laying around up here with those big ones she's got bending over you with this nice plate of spaghetti and a glass of wine look, look how flabby you're getting down here, I can feel it, feel it?

— I can feel it!

— That's not what I meant.

— Well what do you mean? How can you expect me to know what you're talking about, going to the Philippines because you're mad at me?

— I didn't say I'm going to the Philippines because I was mad at you, I said your, take your hand away I'm getting all upset, don't…

— Don't why not.

— Because I'm, because I can't, because he wouldn't like it.

— He wouldn't like it! Get rid of him, I don't care if he, just get rid of him!

— How can I? getting her knee free, delivering his hand, — he's my lawyer isn't he? catching her blouse together — how am I supposed to get this divorce where he's already getting this private detective to find my husband for abandonment on this boat someplace as a cook, that they said he got this job as a cook he couldn't even make an egg till I showed him and these Philippines where they think I'm some kind of a criminal and this whoever stole my purse now they're looking for somebody that had this prostitution ring there kidnapping these beautiful oriental girls with all my cards and ID from my purse that's how real.

— Wait, sit down. Nobody's going to come and arrest you.

— I can't. I just came over to tell you I'm all right didn't I? steadying herself against the sideboard tugging her skirt around, tugging its zipper. — I have to go anyway, I just need to get gas for the car that's all. Do I have to ask you?

— Listen. Sit down for a minute.

— No there's some right here, look.

— I don't have to look! It's out there for some wine they're supposed to deliver just, just take ten if you have to, now wait.

— It's just this bunch of twenties.

— Well take one!

— Because I need some cosmetics too I thought maybe you could help tide me over till I get things straightened up with Daddy and, why are you muttering at me like that, can't you even say it was very nice to see you? thank you for coming over to see how I am? Because you think I just came over for this don't you, you've just been waiting for me to ask, you thought maybe I'd refuse didn't you, well why shouldn't I accept it. I did before didn't I? Why shouldn't I now. You know I can't turn it down I only just wish I didn't have to.

— Sit down! Listen…

— No let go. Is my lipstick on straight? I have to go anyway Oscar, there's this man out there on the porch. I only wish you wanted me to be happy, that's all.