David Markson - The Ballad of Dingus Magee

“Seems right peculiar to me,” the doctor decided, “seeing as how I come from Kansas myself, and the onliest time I ever heard of Wild Bill actually killing even one single person a-tall — I mean not counting in the war or against Injuns, of course — well, it were sure a mite different from what you’re talking on. That were up to Abilene in Seventy-one, if’n you’re interested, one night when there happened to be some ruckus going on which it were Bill’s obligation to investigate, him being town marshal. Now he waits until things is simmered down, nacherly, afore he saunters out, but then jest about the same time, why here comes another feller creeping round likewise, whereupon Bill murders him on sight. Or what I mean, it were sound he murdered him on, because if’n he took time to look first he might of noticed it were his best chumjest being curious like Bill hisself concerning what the fuss were about. Which is what’s likely to happen to you, incidentally, like it done once tonight already, if’n you go poking outside there. But it also oughter make the point somewhat clear that there jest ain’t no such occurrence as a pistol fracas where two fellers march straight on up the avenue and—”

Turkey was buttoning his shirt. “Doc, you must of been seeing things. But even if you wasn’t, what about say Mister Wyatt Earp then, when him and his brothers and Doc Hol-liday kilt them other fellers in the famous disagreement over to the O.K. Corral in Tombstone? Now you can’t tell me that one dint happen just like—”

“Oh, that were a case where folks jest walked right on up to each other, I reckon,” the doctor admitted. “Excepting how it turned out after the smoke blowed away, them mis-fortunate Clanton riders hadn’t had but one lone handgun betwixt the four of them — which the Earps just happened to be informed of in advance, incidentally, since it were Wyatt hisself who’d pointed out the town ordinance against carrying weapons and made them other boys turn ‘em in to commence with. So—”

“Aw, well, what’s that got to do with anything anyways?” Turkey demanded. “It’s still all besides the point to what’s gonter happen out there in that street in jest about ten quick minutes, when—”

So now the doctor began to mumble as if for his own conviction only. “Wild Bill were sitting at a poker table with’n his back turned when they shot him in it. Billy Bonney were on his way to carve hisself a slice of eating beef when Pat Garrett kilt him in a dark room without no word of previous notice neither. Bill Longley got strung up by the neck, and Clay Allison fell out’n a mule wagon and broke his’n. That feller Ford snuck up to the ass-end of Jesse James, and John Ringo blowed out his own personal brains, and John Wesley Hardin is doing twenty-five years in the Huntsville Penitentiary.” The doctor looked up almost sadly. “But now all of a sudden either Hoke Birdsill or Dingus Billy Magee is gonter become the first individual in modern-day history, outside of maybe in that there traveling show Buffalo Bill Cody done put together to bamboozle a bunch of lard-headed Easterners, who’s gonter get kilt by sashaying accommodatingly on up to another feller he knows is carrying a primed firearm in his hand and—”

“Doc, don’t tell me no more,” Turkey cut in then. “Because none of that applies nohow, since this here’s Dingus Billy Magee hisself, and not them others. And you jest don’t seem to know it, I reckon, but Dingus is the boldest, fear-somest, most lion-heartedest desperado that ever drawed blood. Why, he’s a real modern Robbing Hood, too, who’d loan a pard the actual duds ofPn his back. Or you take what he informed me jest the other week, about how he met up with Mister Earp and Doc HoUiday theirselves when they was down on their luck over towards the Pecos once, and he dint even bear them no grudge from their previous disagreements neither, as when he’d had to pistol-whip them one time, but out’n pure Christian generosity he give them every red cent he had in his poke. And now tonight — why tonight’s gonter be jest the most valiant episode in his whole astounding career, is all.”

The doctor considered all that with an expression which eluded Turkey completely, finally returning to his coffee. But Turkey had no more time to discuss the matter anyhow. Because if he himself had waited all these years for something to happen, and then had been under the illusion it had finally come to pass when Hoke Birdsill shot him, Turkey knew now that he had been sorely mistaken. Because that had been prelude merely, had been but the first rude intimation of what lay ahead. “Because now is really when it’s gonter happen, all right,” he told himself, “and if this misbelieving old fud don’t know it, well that’s jest his poor dumb luck.”

So he not only disregarded the doctor entirely but forgot to ask about the vest also, striding rapidly toward the door. “Jest don’t come weeping to me when you wanter know the facts of it later,” he declared in dismissal.

“Oh, I’ll hear ‘em somewheres soon enough, I don’t doubt,” the doctor sighed. “Feller’d almost get the notion it were worth minted money or some such, the way folks is so quick to rush around telling each other about—”

But Turkey had already drawn the door after himself. “Money,” he muttered contemptuously. “Don’t he know there’s jest some experiences in this life you can’t never buy?”

The street was actually darker than he had anticipated, despite lights that glimmered here and there in houses and saloons, since the moon was lost amid racing shards of clouds. Turkey started to his right, moving furtively and keeping clear of the roadway itself, although peering into its profound, reaching shadows. Unconsciously, he was licking his lips as he went. “Were I there?” he enunciated smugly, already practicing, already in preparation for all the long, fecund years ahead, “—why, where else would I of been? You think Dingus would of made a move without he had Turkey Doolan close to hand?”

Deep in the blackness at the corner of a wooden frame house he chose his spot. He was diagonally across from the adobe jail itself, close enough to discern a single hanging lamp beyond a high barred window. Somewhere a coyote howled as if in presentiment, with foreboding and yet expectantly at once, although P. Strom’s watch informed him dimly there were perhaps five minutes yet. Turkey decided to slip behind a post on the porch then, an even finer vantage point, since another lamp in a window behind him cast a shallow but precious glow across this immediate section of the street.

Then, abruptly, that lamp moved, terrifying him for a fraction of a second before he realized it had simply been lifted, carried away by someone inside the house. He saw no one, however, glancing rearward too late. So he had just returned to his vigil, shifting to peer into the grim, ominous shadows once again, when the door opened and the woman emerged.

Turkey cried out in genuine concern. “Oh, ma’am, you sure better get back on inside there—”

Startled herself, the woman shuddered as Turkey arose quickly to reassure her. “Begging your pardon for being on your premises,” he explained. “But there’s about to be this immortal gun duel, you see, involving that famous desperado, Dingus Billy Magee, which I’m sure you’ve heard of, and—”

Something happened to the woman at mention of the name. In fact for a moment Turkey thought she might drop the lamp. Still alarmed anyway, he snatched it from her, deciding at the same time to extinguish it as a precautionary measure (if pausing for the briefest moment to consider the woman herself first, her face striking him as unengagingly long and marelike, her hair twisted into curl papers for some reason decidedly the worse for wear). “Please now, ma’am,” he insisted, “and you’d best hasten, too. Not that Dingus hisself won’t shoot straight as a arrow, but that Hoke Birdsill, why he’s apt to be fusillading in nine different directions at once out’n sheer terror, afore he finally gets kilt, so—”