Mary Gaitskill - Because They Wanted To - Stories

She didn’t think of him that night. But in the nights that followed, she did. In her thoughts they did not have sex. They did not talk or look at each other. He only touched her in order to pierce her genitals with needles. She did not look at him or talk to him or touch him.

Jill described these thoughts to her therapist. She said she wouldn’t consider them problematic if the dentist had been willing to put them into practice with her, but that it had become increasingly clear that he was not. She asked the therapist why she had encouraged her to be friendly with the dentist, pointing out that everyone else she knew had warned her off him. The therapist said that what Jill had described sounded like a fairly typical man who was perhaps a little bit frightened and immature, and that she thought Jill’s friends were simply “speaking out of their defenses.” Jill said that even if that were true, it was clear that her attraction had devolved into a masochistic compulsion and that the dentist himself appeared to be in the grip of some ghastly, half-conscious sadism. The therapist said that just because Jill had been hurt by the dentist didn’t make him a sadist, and Jill conceded that this was true.

“The thing is, I didn’t want it to be about a piercing fantasy,” she said. “And I don’t think he wanted it to be this way, either. So I don’t understand what happened.”

By the end of the session, it was decided that Jill projected her fears onto the dentist and then judged him, and that the more she judged, the more fear she felt. “I’d like to encourage you to stop taking a victim stance,” said the therapist. “Why don’t you show some compassion?”

Pamela thought the therapist sounded like an idiot. She thought that the dentist was a secret sadist; even Joshua, who still maintained that the dentist was just “a scared guy,” thought he’d acted like a jerk. Doreen said he reminded her of a guy who had raped her some years back. Jill reminded her that the dentist felt he didn’t know her well enough to rape her.

“Well, this guy didn’t technically rape me, either,” said Doreen. “It was more of a head trip. He was like a poodle on my leg for months, even following me into my house to bug me. So finally, the last time he did that, I said, ‘Look, I don’t give a shit. You want it so bad, you can have it. Just do it and then get the fuck out of my life.’ And I took my pants off and just lay on the bed. I thought he’d be too embarrassed to do it, but he wasn’t. He fucked me.”

“Did he at least get lost after that?”

“Yeah.” Doreen laughed and blew smoke. “That was the good part.”

She decided to write the dentist a note. She wrote that she was very confused about what had happened between them. She wrote that she had deeply appreciated the respect and kindness he had shown at the beginning of their relationship and that she didn’t understand why he now disrespected her by not calling her when he said he would. If he wanted to break off contact, she understood, but she would prefer him to do so in a spirit of kindness. She went to his office and left the note with his secretary, who smiled at her conspiratorially.

“He actually called about the note,” she said to Lila. “He seemed like he really wanted to talk. His voice sounded different and everything.”

“Yeah?” Briskly, Lila wrapped a piece of cellophane around Jill’s chemical-treated hair. “How was his voice different?”

“More feeling. Softer.” Like he was having the pleasure of an emotional experience that would cost him nothing. “He said he had just been sorry that the tooth experience turned out so badly and that’s why he loaned me the computer. He apologized for not communicating and said he wasn’t very emotionally connected but that he liked me a lot. I said, Well, do you want to fuck or not?”

“Hah!”

“I guess it was kind of obnoxious. Anyway, he said, no, he didn’t think so. He said he couldn’t do it just like that. He said he was from the Midwest and that they were gentlemen there. He said he had to go but that he’d call me, which of course he didn’t.”

“You should’ve told him that gentlemen call ladies when they say they will.”

“Yeah, and anyway, what does he mean, that he’s too much of a gentleman to do it with me?”

“Oh, no, I doubt it. Men are just funny. You remember that Italian guy I was with? I had a totally different situation with him. It was almost all sex right from the beginning.”

“Was it nice?”

“It was. . . gymnastic. And it was nice for a while, but then I began to feel like he was treating me like a whore. So I told him that. And he said, You know, you’re right.” Lila nodded with a satisfied equanimity that was augmented by the smart, nimble movements of her working fingers. “That was pretty much the end of the relationship, which was too bad in a way. We actually liked each other a lot. But the sex thing just went over the top.”

They were silent while Lila attended to Jill’s hair. Jill enjoyed being enveloped in women’s voices and canned music and hair dryer noise. She loved being in a room of women engaged in personal bodily rituals meant to fulfill the need for understandable public signals. The women who worked here had a slightly beat-up, stalwart air, and there was a gallantry to their little pieces of jewelry, their inexpensive but smartly belted and accessorized outfits, their fussy fingernails, the jiggling curls one wore on either side of her face.

“Lila, you used to be in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, right?”

“Yeah, for a year and a half. Why?”

“My therapist suggested it. She said they make you promise to not have sex with anybody until you’ve known them for six months. But I don’t see how that would help. If you’re going to be compulsive, it seems like you could easily drag your compulsion out for six months. I know I could.”

“Yeah, well, frankly, I came to the same conclusion.” With a graceful slouch, Lila reached for the cup of coffee amid her implements. “Although I also saw people do a lot of growing and sharing.”

The last time Jill saw the dentist, she went to his office. She went when she knew he would just be finishing his office hours. She expected the secretary to be there, but she wasn’t. When Jill saw her empty desk, she hesitated. A door opened and the dentist emerged. He looked at her with the same neutral calm he had worn when he was tearing her tooth out piece by piece.

“Hi,” said Jill. “I was in the neighborhood and I thought I’d drop by.”

He said he was glad to see her but that the automatic surveillance system was just about to go on, and if anyone was in the room besides him, it would arouse the hired security.

“That’s okay,” she said. “I just dropped by on my way to an early movie.”

“Oh?” He sounded curious. “What are you seeing?”

“Just some silly thing this friend of mine’s ex-wife is in. She wouldn’t have sex with him for a year before they got divorced, and in the movie she’s playing opposite her new girlfriend, who in the movie apparently fucks the shit out of her with a strap-on. You’d think her ex-husband would be jealous, but I guess he’s just so proud of her for getting the part.”

“Well, like I said, the system’s about to go on.”

“Yeah, okay. I just wanted to ask you something.” She got distracted by the cup of cold coffee on the secretary’s desk, its red lipstick impress weak and melancholy in the harsh office light. The dentist followed her eye, and they both stared at the cup. “The last time you were at my house, why did you say I thought I was so perverted, when I’m really not?”

“I don’t remember saying that.”

“You did. You said you’d seen things I couldn’t even imagine, and I just wondered—”