Eimear McBride - A Girl Is A Half-formed Thing

And this means we are eating dinner stew. I am sitting. And she there pass the salt. Thump. In my. Thumping. Face and neck. You busy making at me ape face. Big jaw. The funky gibbon. Shuffle kick under the tablecloth. Ugh what’s so wrong with you? Saying so and so teacher saying such and such. Saying la la la. To me. It comes like river up my throat. Puke on my dish. Chunk dribble my plate. And again. And retch again. She pat my neck hold my head go on. You shouting Oh that is so disgusting can’t you get up to the toilet. Such a retard. Quiet you. She pat my back. She pat my head. It’s alright.

No I’m not going to tell anyone, I say. And you shouldn’t either. I don’t see what’s to be gained. Well they think he’ll get along alright she says. D’s but fine. He’ll find something that will make him happy. Are you going to be telling everyone behind his back Mammy? Think of holy joes praying and all they’d say. I’m not hope you’ll not is what she says. You’re a good sister and he’s always been good to you so. Right? Ssssh. He’s coming up. Something else. Oh pork chops so were two a pound. Is that good? I say.

That school tread. Going over and over. Term learn holiday back again. My C’s. My B’s for not doing much, that much. She doesn’t apply herself. And you get, you get upstairs to that room and do some work. Every night you’re stuck up there three or four hours and you’re bringing home D’s and E’s to me. What do you think your father would say to that? He’d be ashamed his only son’s so useless. You’re just bone idle. That’s your problem. What are you doing up there? Stop that don’t be saying that. Why are you saying that it’s not as if he can help it. You know. You know. Just what do I know? she says. Sure you’re the one who told me. It’s not like he can help it. No it won’t get better if he does more work. Maaaammy leave him alone. And you shouting what are you saying to her? Why don’t you mind your own business, if she gives out to me what’s it to you? But. Shut up and butt out. So nosey. She says there now son. That’s alright. Your sister’s just having a phase. Everything’s my fault but she’ll snap out of it soon. I say Oh fuck off. Don’t talk to her that way. Then you can fuck off too.

Say hello to your aunt and uncle. You haven’t seen them before. Nudged his jaguar into the drive or volvo or fancy I don’t know about that. He black curl-haired she bob-cut wife. Our mother’s sister she. To call. To come and stay. Better off than us and close I think when they were young — we played house snakes and ladders and little women. We hear her on the telephone every month or so. Now then youngster, how are you? Pass me onto. Is your mother home? Or go on and get your mother tell her I’m in a state. And she mentions every once in a while your aunt loves tea rose scents. She sends a check for Christmas and birthdays and now and then. And parcels of hand-me-downs from girls about my age. Auntie so with bottle green tights. She’s a hips woman they say with a size ten top. My God a broad and wing’ed arse. Nudge and jostle you me Shush. In all they’re grand compared to us. Bags that match. Driving shoes. Leather gloves and a cigarette lighter in their car. Come uncle uncle and play your guitar. Come uncle uncle and smoke your cigar. Those are what I’ve been told they do.

Come and smile and give us hugs. Ah he’ll not be tall like his Da oh should I not? His father was a tall man after all aunt adds. Hmm we’ve all sorts our mother says with her arm across your back. Take your auntie’s bag upstairs and your uncle’s while you’re at it. I look at him. I look him back from looking right at me. His eyes flick a switch. I’ll stare you dare you and don’t think you’re posh than better than us. Come in and sit down and you’ll have a cup of tea with. Ho ho look at madam, can’t get over how she’s grown. I’m thirteen now and nearly more. Soon.

Sit smile and give bottles of bubble bath and packets of crisps and jigsaws theirs already smeared with. Lovely girls. You might like it thought it might do. Your cousin loved that one. Oh lovely lovely. And second-hand knickers with butterflies for me. Second-arsed. Amn’t I the lucky one. Pink and green. For you a book of Jesus and a plate with praying hands. Yes I am fifteen a snicker splutter. We’ll put them in our rooms.

At the table she speaks slow and loud like we’re deaf. How’s school doing? She’s scared as hell of us young savagers. She’s heard tell. The evil house and halfwit brother. Sullen girl and her forward rolls. I don’t mind her snit one bit. My all-set temper might spark to it but we have a lovely awkward dinner of gammon and mashed spud first. I do love them more says she with a pineapple ring on top. Haven’t you maybe one of those? No. A biteen then more salt. They’re dry those spuds. Pass it. There you go. My girls won’t touch it. Pork is such a, you know meat. Was the milkman was a jew? I say under my breath you wrinkle snotting. What? Our mother’s eyes plop from her head, but they chew neat and cud-like and have not heard. Nothing I think, til I see him. Uncle uncle. Maybe you’re no fool. I get the I’ll get you later on look from our mother and jelly a bit. And how’s your work? I made partner. Well isn’t that great. Holidays in Spain. Do you get away? says the aunt. No not that much. I don’t know how you do without the sun. Well. We’re also having an extension. Oh. How big’s this house here by the way? Three bedrooms. God how do you all fit in? We need a new guest one and with the girls so grown it’s en suites for this one and en suites for that one. Hhmmm. Oh walls? I suppose it’ll remind me of my youth — we usually have carte d’or. He says give it a rest would you, not everyone’s as well-off as us isn’t that right? Yes my mother says looking greener stewed-up cabbage. And I see he is watching me with this, seeing how I am. I am champing inner lip. Inside us all are, better or worse, for she’s a bit this aunt, relentless.

Did you get the check? Did you get my check? I’ve almost learned to growl but you avoided it or did not think she was rubbing it in. I could bite this hand that feeds for parading the bill. Did you get that check she kept saying to her I keep forgetting if I’ve asked? My little snarling yes you do. Our mother says go upstairs and leave us to talk, or your brother’s watching telly why don’t you go join him. I’ll do the dishes I’m saying thinking I won’t leave. Keep an eye on what’s said about you and me. I’m unhappy aware there’ll be loyalty smeared somewhere there on our kitchen floor. Not mine. Not to you. Or yours to me. Or her. No go make up the camp bed that’s what you can do for me she says so I do.

I sneak. I snuck. I listened at the door. I heard them. I pondered you should send him to special school. Those marks aren’t fit for a boy that age. Oh such clucking and glucking. Snob and preen herself. I hear my two are off to the convent. Not a ladder in their tights or a pain in their heart. Such brilliance. Unearthly. I snoot them. Aunt and uncle. Chintz for brains I hiss and think. Listening listening. Yes of course they got accepted so naturally I know a mark or two when I see it. Compete it. I’m having bile thoughts. Great green ones of spite and their sloppedy daughters with tongues too long to keep in their mouths. Should we be that so we can be right? We’re clear awful wrong the way we are. Yes they’re having grinds and trips to the orthodontist. One should give one’s children the best in life. Golf. Give them a taste so they can never live without. Shop at such and no sales. Grow them good and wanty. For bungalows near politicians and the captains of industry. Our mother I think foamy at the edge thinks I need this like a hole in the head. Yabber yabber put the teapot down and take out the biscuit tin. She treads it calm and forth with hmm and yes and is that right? No says aunt as long as they have their degrees. Shop floor management or whatever history. Degrees the thing and tra la la — what are the chances yours’ll do that?