Ha Jin: Nanjing Requiem

Day by day Minnie’s condition was deteriorating. We called in an American doctor, who, together with Dr. Chu, diagnosed stress, fatigue, trauma, and malnutrition during menopause as the causes of her breakdown. After receiving a few hormone injections, Minnie refused to continue. She became more depressed, telling us that she was responsible for all the problems Jinling had encountered and for all the suffering the refugee women and girls had gone through; she felt she was a total failure, disgusting even to herself. We tried in vain to convince her that she was more capable than any of us and was a leader we all looked up to. She was our beloved principal.

Mrs. Dennison reported Minnie’s illness to both Jinling’s board of founders in New York and the United Christian Missionary Committee, based in Indianapolis. Minnie had no close family except for a somewhat estranged brother in Shepherd, Michigan, who still resented that she had not returned to care for their father before the old man died. The plan was for Minnie to go back to the States for treatment, and the two institutions agreed to split her medical bills. Alice was assigned to accompany her back to America, but Minnie refused to leave before the semester was over. Not until Mrs. Dennison promised her that she and Aifeng would keep the Homecraft School and the middle school intact did Minnie agree to go.

The day of her departure was wet and a little chilly, though spring was at its peak — trees all green, flowers in clusters, the ground velvety with sprouting grass, and the air atremble with the trills of birds. About a dozen people gathered at the front gate to see her off, mostly her friends and colleagues. I burst into tears and wailed, “Minnie, you must come back. Remember, you and I planned to spend our last years here together. You promised to teach me how to drive.” Beside me stood Donna and Rulian, their tearful eyes fastened on Minnie. Beyond the two young women was Old Liao, staring at her, his neck stretched forward and his bronzed face taut, as if he was trying hard to comprehend what was going on.

“We will wait for you to come back!” Rulian cried.

Minnie didn’t reply, but simply smiled vaguely, as though all emotion had seeped out of her. Big Liu watched her in silence, his glasses flashing while his lips twisted. He waved at our friend, but she didn’t respond.

Mrs. Dennison placed her hand on the door of the black car and said with a glum face, “Minnie, try to get well soon. Remember you’re one of us and Jinling is your home — we’ll always take you back.”

Minnie gazed at her with a faraway look, the corners of her mouth wrinking a little. She didn’t seem to register the meaning of the old woman’s words. Then the car rolled away, leaving behind the faint smell of the exhaust and all the waving hands in the powdery rain.

A LICE SENT ME REPORTS about Minnie’s condition to forward to Dr. Wu. The words that follow are hers.

May 8, 1940

(SHANGHAI)

Our trip to Shanghai was peaceful and pleasant. I was told that the USS

Luzon

used to be the flagship of the Yangtze River Patrol, and Admiral Glassford of the U.S. Asiatic Fleet was on it. He was a kind man and came to our cabin twice to see if we were comfortable or needed anything. Minnie was quiet most of the time, and when she spoke, she would blame herself, saying that she had become such a burden to me and others. She seemed clear-minded about her illness and told me that she would recover soon and return to the work she’d left behind. Minnie looked happy at dinner and we shared the table with the admiral.

June 20, 1940

(IOWA CITY)

Our voyage to the States was quite rough. In fact, we boarded the

Empress of Asia

three weeks ago and sailed first for Victoria, British Columbia. We ran into John Magee, who had gone back to China last year to do relief work and was heading home. Minnie seemed at ease in his presence, but she was seasick, which worsened her condition. She told me that if I hadn’t accompanied her, she would have jumped into the ocean. That frightened me, and in some measure she acted suicidal, refusing to eat or drink. Reverend Magee, two other missionary passengers, and I took turns looking after her. We never left her alone.

Yesterday Minnie was admitted to the Psychopathic Hospital of the State University of Iowa. I am staying at a guesthouse nearby. Minnie is under Dr. Woods’s care and has a clean room, which looks out onto a small park, to herself. The doctor diagnosed her case as depression and said that most patients with this condition usually recovered within two months. So we should take heart.

July 9, 1940

(IOWA CITY)

I visit Minnie every day. Together we go out for a walk or call on local churches. We also stroll in a wood, where we do some lovely little devotionals of our own. This afternoon, she asked a nurse to telephone me, saying she wanted me to take her to the train station so we could leave Iowa once and for all. Of course the nurse refused to comply. When I went to see Minnie this evening, she felt ashamed and kept saying, “How could I do such a selfish thing?” I told her that it was over as long as she didn’t do it again.

“I must get well and stop being a burden to others,” she said.

She has been improving. I hope she will recuperate soon so that I can go to Texas and see my parents, but at present I should stay with my friend here.

I just heard from Rebecca Griest of Jinling’s board that they had raised $1,200 for Minnie. This is wonderful. Minnie is constantly worried about spending Jinling’s money on herself. I will share the good news with her tomorrow.

August 13, 1940

(IOWA CITY)

Minnie often says, “I built a wrong home in a wrong place — a home that was shattered easily. I should have known that a home doesn’t have to be a physical entity.” But then she will correct herself, saying, “I mustn’t grumble so much. Millions of Chinese have lost not only their homes but also their families in the war. Compared to them, I’m more fortunate.”

She wants to get well soon so she can return to Jinling. She has little family in America. Her brother wouldn’t come to see her. On the other hand, her hometown, Secor, Illinois, was preparing a big welcome-home reception for her, and they have named August 22 as Minnie Vautrin Day. Minnie knows nothing about this, nor do the folks in Secor know about her nervous breakdown. Dr. Woods thinks that at present it would be too risky for Minnie to return to her hometown, since any excitement might throw her into a deeper depression. I called Secor and explained the situation. The town was disappointed and even wanted to send delegates to Iowa City to see Minnie, but Dr. Woods would not allow that.

August 29, 1940

(IOWA CITY)

Sometimes Minnie is like a normal person, and sometimes she is very depressed. She follows the news of the war closely and is worried about the situations in China and Europe. She asks others to pray for her, saying that she believes in prayers as well as medicine and that she needs to be helped “out of the valley of the shadow.” Yesterday she said she should prepare to return to China for the next academic year. I pray for her every night.

September 26, 1940

(BROWN COUNTY

STATE PARK, INDIANA)

At Dr. Woods’s suggestion, we came to a state park in Indiana a week ago. He believes that the fresh air and the natural beauty of the surroundings will do Minnie good. She enjoys the peace and quiet here. Every morning we walk along the trails in the forest and also along the side of Ogle Lake, where a lot of waterfowl paddle around — they are not afraid of people and will take bread directly from your hand. Minnie likes feeding them.