Steve Katz - Kissssss - A Miscellany

At the classes in the evening he barely exchanged glances with Nelly. She'd ask him how he was getting along with the new system, and he'd show her, and she'd encourage him. Of course, she was busy. Since it was the last couple of weeks of the class all the students were making sure they got as much information and help as they could. She even neglected to sneak those encouraging messages that used to appear when he booted up at home. The exception was two days before the final contest. It was a Tuesday. He had to work at noon the next day, so decided to stay up after the class and practice for an hour or two. He booted up at home, and finally there was a message from Nelly. He had to boot up twice before he could believe what it said, and then he booted it again.

“Could you kill somebody, Joe?”

An interrogative. It was the first time she'd ever put a question on his screen. It was the only thing on there. Maybe it wasn't from Nelly, but it had to be. “Could you kill somebody, Joe?” He couldn't wipe it off. He couldn't even shut it off. It was from Nelly. No doubt of it. But he couldn't stay in the room with this. He went to the living room and sat down on the couch. The message had made him sweat. He needed a different couch, a new one. This one had collapsed. He suddenly had the urge to call his mother. He hadn't ever talked to her since the day he ran away, but he did have a picture of her that his sister, Joe, sent him a few years back. That was the last time he'd heard from anyone in his family. She told him their mom was living in Seattle, with some guy named Joe. She must have been pretty old by now, in her fifties at least.

It surprised him how easy it was to get her number from directory assistance, and how quickly she picked up when he called.

“Yeah,” she said.

He hesitated, then, “Hello,” said Joe.

“Who is this?” she asked.

“It's Joe.”

“Joe who?”

“Joe Gargantus, your son.”

“I got no son, Joe.”

“Big Joe, you remember. It's been a long time.”

“Oh, big Joe. My son. How you doing? I thought you were dead.”

“I'm not. I'm alive.”

His mother grunted, and he started to tell her his whole story, how when he left he got a job cleaning stables at a racetrack outside of Tucson and saved some money there and went east to Pittsburgh with the driver of a truck full of horses and then got a job there in a shoe factory picking up scraps and then running a cutter, and made quite a bit of money. Then he got tired of Pittsburgh and went east with a small carnival that played county fairs all over the East Coast. He lived in a trailer with Henry Henrietta the hermaphrodite sideshow feature, and worked some of the rides and concessions because he was big and intimidating. By then he was sixteen, and he left the carnival in New York state, and hitched up to Maine, and then all the way to Halifax, in Canada, where he got work in the galley of one of the last tramp steamers. It sailed under an Ethiopian flag, but was manned by Malays and Portugese. That was the worst job. At every port they locked him in his cabin, in every country. He jumped ship finally, when they got back to the U.S., a call in Providence, Rhode Island, where inspectors went through the ship, heard him yelling, and made the mates release him. He jumped off the lee side of the ship, swam to the wharf, and didn't stop running for a whole day. All this time he had been studying all the subjects on his own and in Rhode Island took his high school equivalency test, and passed it with great marks. Surprisingly, the shipping company had deposited his pay all along into an account in Halifax, and that, with his savings in Pittsburgh and Albany, gave him enough money to get a start in college. So he went on a special program for the orphaned and indigent to Brown University, and got a good education there, and easy admission to the Rhode Island College of Dentistry, where his luck ran out. His size caught up with him there, and he washed out in confusion.

He didn't remember at what point in his monologue his mother had hung up, but he went on telling the story even after he got a peculiar message, “You have reached a number that has been disconnected. If you'd like to place another call, please hang up and try again.”

Telling his whole story to his mom exhausted him, but also made him feel very light and relieved. “I've got a story. I am the story,” he congratulated himself. He went back to his desk and hit a key to dissipate the screen saver. Another message appeared:

“Joe. Would you do it for me?”

At the closing ceremony of their computer course all the students received certificates. The contest was no big deal, but Joe did well enough. He couldn't keep up with Peggy Baca, who had gobbled up computer info like a duck after breadcrumbs; but he came in second. Peggy got the modem, but he was happy with his free Internet hours, and he always knew he would have won the modem if he hadn't been so hasty putting on his finger aids. The eraser on his right ring finger kept folding under.

Nelly was dressed up for the occasion, and looked exceptionally beautiful in an aqua crepe mini with gray mesh stockings and Swedish clogs. Her blouse was a rosy flounce, and through the cut of her sleeves you could see some of her breast when she half-lifted her arm. Joe had never seen her with her eyes done so carefully. He looked great himself. He had gone to the Big and Tall shop, because he was both, and had got himself a soft black and gray checked sport jacket, and dark chocolate brown flannel pants, and a pinkish button-down shirt, and a narrow green paisley tie, and these new clothes made him seem a little smaller, the way they contained him. He was very handsome.

Nelly hugged him openly and with affection when she gave him his runner-up prize, and through the evening she kept touching him and taking his hand, as if she didn't care any longer now that the class was over.

When he received his award all his classmates were surprised that he stood up to speak, because during the four month course he had said very little, and that only in the most constrained and high-pitched tones, as if he wanted to deny his size with the tiniest voice. But he spoke now in the kind of deep, gong-like tones you might expect from such a giant. He declaimed in a voice that filled the whole room, “I've got a story. I am the story.” Then he lifted his hands that looked like ghosts with the fingers festooned in condoms and erasers, and proclaimed, “I am the story electric!”

Because no one had an inkling this romance was going on, all the students were shocked as Nelly left the ceremony with Joe, bouncing up to kiss him as they went out the door. In the cab on the way to her house she kissed him again and again, on his face and his hands, and then pulled from her pink purse — the inside looked like the gut of a big sea anemone — a blue envelope, out of which she slid, just to let him see it, two tickets to Philadelphia, on United, leaving in the morning from Denver International Airport.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

and

glossary

(in order of appearance)

Agnes: Andrew Warhola Eukan Severe: Keanu Reeves Dojie Resoft: Jody Foster Monisantaca: Santa Monica Necsgreems: Screen Gems Maslygdnow: Sam Goldwyn emrafs: frames Bysbu Kleebrey: Busby Berkeley Plinach: Chaplin Blimclecledie: Cecil B. DeMille Leinvojeeseph: Joseph E. Levine dreulasis: residuals Etatreh: Theater Slegeslona: Los Angeles Sgronts Respute: Preston Sturges Ildrew Libly: Billy Wilder Yinlaw Sted: Walt Disney Clenac Jectorp: cancel project Nonawi Erryd: Winona Ryder Verri Hoxnepi: River Phoenix Glasoud: Douglas Chamiel's: Michael's Tanoke: Keaton Ajieck Nach: Jackie Chan Onatint Taurda: Antonin Artaud Naanittor: Tarantino Tenquin: Quentin Sterub: Buster Turb Scalranet: Burt Lancaster Yerml Perset: Meryl Streep Sitund Monfahf: Dustin Hoffman cartnoct: contract Thyka Abset: Kathy Bates Sorb Imulrèe: Lumière Bros. Nealsty Burkick: Stanley Kubrick Lenoci Mindak: Nicole Kidman Dr. Deppster Johnjon: Dr. Deppster Johnjon phroa: Oprah Negger: Negger Hitchfred Alcock: Alfred Hitchcock stagnir: ratings yonoletenus: Looney Tunes milfrion: film noir treepflak: Peter Falk arazazipp: paparazzi lacopani: Al Pacino lamar-spleam: Marla Maples Lohly Uhrent: Holly Hunter progs: progenitors Ornash Sento: Sharon Stone Gme Yran: Meg Ryan Xupset Fron: upfront sex Noride: DeNiro Thwyneg Trowlap: Gwyneth Paltrow Trober: Robert Shonirra Drof: Harrison Ford Borter Lalvud: Robert Duvall Ronyalmy: Myrna Loy Ralck Algelb: Clark Gable Tighovnoj: Jon Voight Kerpar Yespo: Parker Posey Mediroome: Demi Moore Crubeliwlis: Bruce Willis Ryga Yesbu: Gary Busey Theki Dracanire: Keith Carradine Tocst Nengl: Scott Glenn Bybob Lawrek: Bobby Walker Rylinma Noorem: Marilyn Monroe Mau Ruthnam: Uma Thurman