John Barth - The Sot-Weed Factor

As soon as court was recessed Richard Sowter and William Smith retired to another room, whereupon Burlingame, so far from going in search of ink, admitted cheerfully that his pot was half full, but dispatched the militiaman to find more for appearance's sake.

"Why is't ye tricked us?" Andrew demanded. "I strenuously object!"

Burlingame shrugged. "To save Anna's dowry," he said mischievously. "I'd not want to lose my share of Cooke's Point."

"Nay, Henry," Anna scolded. "Go to!"

"I'll have somewhat to say to you anon, young lady," Andrew threatened. "Just now — "

"Just now we've a crisis on our hands, sir," Governor Nicholson broke in, "and not much time to make our plans."

"A crisis? Nonsense! You heard my arguments!"

"Aye, and Sowter's rebuttal, that leaves ye not a pot to piss in. Which vulgar trope reminds me — " He bowed to the ladies and excused himself.

"Nay, sir," urged Burlingame. " 'Tis important you hear this too."

"Ah, ah — " Nicholson waggled a finger. "I remind ye we have declared ourselves a court o' law, and 'tis popularly believed a judge should be impartial."

"As should a clerk," Andrew added sternly. "I'll win my case without thy assistance, Mister Burlingame."

"A fart for thy case!" cried Henry. "I care no more who owns this piece of dirt than doth Ebenezer, or thy daughter! 'Tis the Province I'm concerned with."

"Eh?" The Governor paused at the door. "How's that, Henry?"

Burlingame gathered all the men around the baize table for a conference.

" 'Tis about that portion of the Assembly Journal," he announced. "All of us here save you, Mister Cooke, are aware of its nature and importance — I shall ask you merely to accept His Excellency's word for't that without this document of Bill Smith's we may well lose a much graver case than this one, and belike the entire Province o' Maryland into the bargain! With the Journal complete we may yet not get our man, but at least we can prosecute."

"That is correct, sir," Nicholson assured Andrew. "But what of't, Henry?"

Burlingame smiled. "We've heard Mister Cooke's case and Mister Sowter's, sir, and you know as well as I that as they stand, Mister Cooke hath lost every point."

Andrew protested vigorously against this opinion, and Nicholson reminded Burlingame of the unethicality of asking a judge to commit himself before the pleadings were complete. But his smile suggested, to Ebenezer at least, that Andrew's case was perhaps by no means so strong as the poet had thought.

"Methinks I should tell you now, sir," Ebenezer said to his father, "I have no intentions of disavowing my marriage, whate'er the circumstances of't. Joan's state is my responsibility — " Here he waved away McEvoy's protests. "Nay, John, 'tis mine, and I'd not abandon her again for a thousand Maidens."

In vain did his father point out that she was a diseased and dying prostitute; in vain he turned from wrath to reasonableness to supplication, and returned to wrath. Ebenezer was adamant.

"Out on't, then!" his father cried at last. "Wed the whore a second time when our case is won, and be damned t'ye! All I beg is your leave to save Malden for ye!"

Now Ebenezer found himself caught between conflicting responsibilities and could see no way to reconcile them. It was a painful moment until Burlingame came to his rescue.

" 'Tis all beside the point in any case, gentlemen," Henry said. "If Sowter hath a brain in his thieving head he'll agree that the marriage is false (if you'll pardon me, Eben, 'tis as well your father knew the match hath ne'er been consummated). But the stipulation that required it was false for the same reason: Joan Toast isn't Susan Warren, and Susan Warren isn't Bill Smith's daughter, and there's an end on't! As for the other arguments, they simply hold no water; 'twill be light work for Sowter to rest his case on precedents. Do you agree, Tom? Thou'rt no judge now."

Sir Thomas Lawrence admitted that Andrew's case struck him as vulnerable and Sowter's relatively strong, but added that he thought Mister Cooke had overlooked the best line of attack. "If I were thy counsel," he told Andrew, "I'd appeal the extremity of the Circuit Court's ruling, not its legality. Admit that Spurdance was in the wrong, but plead for the damages to be lightened — say, to the terms of Smith's original indenture plus costs and a sop for's trouble."

Burlingame shook his head. "You don't see the problem, Tom. We don't want Sowter to win, but we dare not let him lose!"

"And why not, pray?" demanded Nicholson.

"For the best of reasons, sir," Burlingame replied calmly. "You and I and Sir Thomas know very well that this court hath no more law in't than a bawdyhouse."

Ebenezer expressed his astonishment, and Andrew openly charged Burlingame with prevarication; but Sir Thomas blushed, and Governor Nicholson scowled uncomfortably,

"Ah, well now, Henry!" He glanced angrily about the room. "I'll own 'tis not the sort o' thing a governor doth every Tuesday — but 'tis done, dammee! If I choose to find for Smith I'll find for Smith, and if for Cooke then Cooke, arguments and precedents be damned! I doubt our friend Sowter will appeal to the Lords Commissioners!"

"I'm sure he won't," Henry agreed. "But when Judge Hammaker learns that you sat yourself down in this parlor one evening and reversed the ruling of his Circuit Court, you may rest on't he'll make a noise in London! And wouldn't Andros love the sound of't!"

"No more!" growled Nicholson. "The point is clear enough." His tone bade no good for Andrew's prospects.

"Well, God's blood!" that gentleman exclaimed. "I'd have ye recall, sirs, that my voice is as loud as Hammaker's with the Lords Commissioners! If this court hath no jurisdiction, ye'll be no better off for ruling against me!"

"Quite so," Burlingame agreed with a smile, "now that I've shown ye the way. Besides, we want the rest of the Privie Journall as well as the estate, if not more so. Sowter knows his client's position is shaky — Smith's attempt to run away shows that — but he also knows there's some connection 'twixt me and the Cookes. He's not sure of his ground, particularly with regard to our vice and sedition charges, and methinks his only motive in defending Smith's claim is to give his man more bargaining power when the time comes to bargain."

Nicholson fumed and worried his stick. "Ye might have mentioned this ere we set up court, you know!"

" 'Twere premature," Burlingame declared. "We have got rid of the Colonel already, and 'twas quite within your rights to seize Cooke's Point for the nonce — well done, in fact."

"Thou'rt too gracious!"

"But you daren't hold the property for long on such a pretext, and you daren't release it by court order to either party. 'Tis hence I warned you to recess."

Nicholson wiped his brow. "Devil take all barristers and law-books! What a province I could have me without 'em! What do we do now?"

Burlingame shrugged. "What do all good barristers do when they have no case, sir? We settle out o' court!"

"Stay!" Ebenezer warned. "Here they are."

Richard Sowter and William Smith came in from the next room. The cooper did indeed look unsure of his ground, but his counsel was as breezy as ever.

"Did ye scare up some ink, Mister Clerk? Splendid! By St. Ludwig, 'twere a pity such eloquence as Mister Cooke's went unrecorded!"

The party around the table dispersed. Observing with some surprise that Anna had moved to the couch and was deep in conversation with Joan, Ebenezer returned with his father to his earlier place. So dispirited was Andrew by the progress of events that he offered no resistance when his son took his arm and directed him gently to a seat.

"By'r leave, Your Excellency," Sowter asked, "may I proceed with my statement?"