James Kelman - If it is your life

Aw for fuck sake.

Sex! said Tim, a big smile on his face.

This gets worse and worse, I said, and I spat into the fire again.

Aye but it’s weird sex, said Arthur.

What a surprise.

Weird sex … Tim laughed for a moment but then he looked at me.

I said, What ye looking at me for?

I’m no.

Aye ye are.

Naw I’m no.

But he was. Then Arthur winked and it was me he was winking at. How come I don’t know. Just be careful, I said.

What about?

Just be careful.

Ye’re staring at me Pat, what ye staring at me for?

Staring at ye?

Aye.

I shrugged. Just dangerous territory man know what I mean, sex.

You’re para.

I’m just saying …

Arthur shook his head and looked away.

Tell us anyway, said Tim.

Arthur waited a moment. I gied him the nod and off he went. But something puzzled me about it. My hearing was no as good as it used to be but that didnay mean I heard things that werenay said. That isnay what folk mean when they say they have hearing problems. I might have been deaf but I definitely was not eh

Paranoiac is the wrong word. I couldnay think of the right one. That was Arthur and his fucking yapping, yap yap yap. Tim was puffing on his roll-up, gieing that contented look he aye gave when somebody was telling a story. He must have been some wean. Ye could have sent him to sleep with a paragraph. Once upon a time the three bears — and then he would have been snoring.

Uch well. I prepared to listen. Come what may Arthur was going to tell us the story. There were times I thought conspiracies were on the go and they werent, it was only me. Two slugs of beer and I was drunk as a fucking skunk. The wife said that about me, alcohol made me paranoiac. I aye thought things were happening and they werenay.

Dreams bored the arse off me. I never told mine to cunts so how come I had to listen to theirs?

Mine were boring as fuck. That was when I got any. I couldnay remember the last time. They were so boring they never registered. I got dreams where nothing happened. Nothing at all. The dream opens and there I am strolling down the street. Oh I think I see a bus! And then the dream stops. Big deal, seeing a bus. Thank you God.

Imagine telling somebody that.

It wouldnay matter if Arthur’s dreams were boring or no he would still want to tell ye them. The cunt aye had to be talking, just like the fire, he aye had to be poking the thing, messing it about. Yap yap yap, on he fucking went. Then in the distance: Nicky Parkes! He was carrying a polybag. Trouble, I said.

The other two saw him. Arthur quickened with the story, all about this nervy guy he met down the lane, turns out he had just had his hole. That was in the dream. Was it the punchline? I dont know, I wasnay listening. But Arthur was looking at me like he expected a round of applause. Is that all you can think about, getting yer hole? I mean what age are you!

What has age got to do with it?

Aye ye’re well named, fucking J Arthur.

Cheeky bastard. What’s up with you?

There’s nothing up with me, I said.

The two of them were looking at me.

Nothing up with me, I said.

Grumpy bastard, muttered Arthur.

Tim was frowning at me. The man’s got a point.

I dont fucking give a fuck about his point. I’m chittering standing here, it’s fucking freezing fucking cold. I spat into the fire, slapped my hands the gether, turned to see Nicky Parkes arrive. When he did he opened the polybag and brought out a six-pack.

Pure astonishment.

He broke the cardboard, tossed us each a can. Arthur dropped his in the excitement, then moved to clap Nicky Parkes on the shoulder.

Tim was laughing, snapping open the can. Ya fucking dancer! he shouted.

Well done Nicky Parkes, I said.

I tapped a five, he said.

Who off?

Nicky Parkes patted the side of his nose.

Fair enough.

Tim had the tobacco out and was rolling the two of them a smoke.

Maybe I should have got a bottle of wine, said Nicky, that is what I was wondering.

Aw naw, the beer’s great.

Aye but Pat I might have got fucking two: buy one get one free.

Oh.

A can of beer is a pleasure, said Arthur.

A pleasurable experience, I added.

That’s right, said Arthur, and it provides a basis.

I looked at the fire and at Arthur and Tim. Somebody needs to get burnables.

They looked at me.

I got the last lot.

Did ye? said Arthur.

I dont remember that, said Tim, then he smiled. Heh Pat mind that idea you had about saving the empties and bashing them down, taking them to a scrappie?

Aye.

It was a fucking mad idea! Tim guffawed.

I nodded. I stared at the fire a few moments. It did need replenishing. There was a kids’ cot someplace, some fucking thing, I couldnay remember. Tim was saying to Arthur about the story, finish the story. I thought he had finished it. It was a dream, I said, it wasnay a story.

Tell us it anyway, said Tim.

Aye, I said, we’re all ears.

Arthur squinted at me.

Tell us, said Tim.

Ach naw, a stupid dream.

Stupidity hasnay stopped ye before, I said.

Thanks Pat.

Nicky Parkes glanced at me then at Arthur.

I was gony go for the burnables then I thought Naw, I want to hear the cunt. Get it ower and done with, I said.

Arthur sniffed and continued, repeating some of the earlier stuff for the benefit of Nicky Parkes. I only half listened. I hadnay heard much the first time and what I was hearing now didnt greatly interest me. I find that stuff childish, like dirty jokes and that kind of shite, boring crap.

The beer was tasty, given the label was foreign and I could not remember having seen it before. Some of it trickled down my chin. I wiped it with the cuff of my coat sleeve.

Parties were watching me. I’ll wring it out later, I said, once yous mob have fucked off.

Charming, said Tim.

You dont have to listen, said Arthur.

I sighed. Know something Arthur you are a shifty cunt.

No as shifty as you man you’re a byword in this parish.

Parish, oho, the Pape patter. This is mixed company you behave yerself.

Finish the story, said Tim.

Arthur shrugged. I’m no inventing fuck all

It’s a dream, said Tim.

Exactly. I knew the two guys, Arthur said, but it wasnay like we were pals. It’s more like we used to be pals. Years ago. We had went our separate ways and just bumped into each other.

So what ye saying?

Well it’s obvious. The two of them were shagging the same bird.

What do ye mean ‘obvious’?

The way things happen in a dream, said Arthur. Ye just know. He was a nasty fucker. He was pointing back down the lane. I looked to see what he was pointing at. Sure enough it was the other guy, his mate, the first yin’s mate. I watches the two of them laughing and joking the gether.

Aw jees, I said, I’m lost.

That is how I felt, said Arthur, fucking sidelined man. I thought These three bastards are keeping me out of it.

Ye mean you wanted yer hole as well?

Tim laughed.

Naw Pat I dont mean that.

Well what then?

It was like They know something I dont.

Tim stopped laughing and said, Who was the woman?

Arthur nodded. I was wondering when somebody would ask that.

Nicky Parkes sniffed, cleared his throat and cleared his tubes, dumped the lot on the fire.

I hope it’s no about us, I said. I hate stories about where that happens, where a guy winds up his wife’s having it away with some cunt. It’s as auld as the hills and it will never stop but that doesnay mean ye’ve got to like hearing about it. Personally speaking I dont like hearing about it, no if it is mates involved.

Nicky Parkes looked at me, then at Tim, then swigged from his can, wiped his mouth.