Alina Bronsky - Broken Glass Park

When I wake up it’s noon.

I have to think for a while about why I can’t seem to move. Then I remember. I sit up and look at my legs. They are swollen in places and raw and red.

The skin will grow back, I think. There’s nothing I can do.

I try to stand up. It works. I can walk, too, though it’s difficult.

Sitting back down is harder. It feels as if the scabs will rip open again.

Oh man, I think, I can’t stand around all day.

I make the mistake of leaving my room in just a long T-shirt. I run into Maria right in front of the door to my room. She’s probably been waiting there. Maybe she wanted to ask me a question or tell me something.

But she forgets about it as soon as she sees me.

And I thought it wasn’t that noticeable.

I brush aside her horror, her sympathy, her complaints, her iodine tincture, her entreaties to go immediately to the doctor, her praying that I never go skating again without kneepads — as if they would have done anything. The best one is her asking me not to go rollerblading ever again at all, and her wanting to keep Anton from ever doing it again, as well. She knew all along that something like this was going to happen.

“It’s not so bad,” I lie.

“How could you get so badly hurt?” she asks three times.

“I was drinking,” I say curtly.

“You?”

I go into the bathroom and lock the door. From there I repeat that yes, yes, yes, it’s already been disinfected. “Leave me alone,” I say. It’s not an order. I’m begging. Showering would be a bad idea, I think. I do have nerves, after all, and they’ll relay the pain. I’m made of nothing but nerves. If only I didn’t have any. That would be great.

Since I can only stand or lie down, I lie down in bed and read the Robert White interviews. Every half an hour, Maria brings tea with milk along with some pastries. The baked goods stick in my throat, but the tea I drink thirstily until I realize each cup is sweeter than the last.

“Are you putting an extra spoon of sugar in each time or what?” I ask gruffly. “Tell me. I won’t yell at you.”

“A half spoon more in each cup,” Maria says, cowering in the doorway. She’s afraid to come any closer. “It’s all I can do for you.” She tries to smile.

I don’t know what to say.

The second day is worse. I have to take aspirin. The third day I’m feeling better again, much better. So good, in fact, that I hobble out to the kitchen and ask Maria how things are going.

She looks at me, startled, and says, “I don’t know, why?”

I get pissed off by this highly intelligent answer.

Then I compliment her on the chicken in walnut sauce she’s just made. You can eat it hot or cold. It’s the best dish from the Caucuses.

“I wish I could cook,” I lie, without any real inspiration. “But I don’t think I’ll ever learn how. Marina couldn’t really cook, either, and never really wanted to. I guess I inherited that from her. I mean, I guess I have other talents. Anyway, do you think you could teach me?”

Panic spreads across Maria’s face. She looks back and forth between my face and the sage plant on the windowsill. She looks a bit like Angela as she does.

I can see the wheels turning feverishly in her head as she tries to figure out what kind of trap I’m setting and what consequences it will have for her.

“Me teach you something?” she stutters helplessly at the sage.

But I’m not listening anymore because a funny thought has occurred to me: if Maria became Angela’s stepmother, people who didn’t know their story would instantly think they saw the similarities between mother and daughter, and both of them would want to shoot themselves as a result.

I find this amusing and start to chuckle. Maria, meanwhile, is on the verge of tears.

I take pity on myself and get up and go out for a walk. I know that back behind the closed door, Maria will shake her head for a while and then talk to her kitchen herbs about me — do they have any idea what’s going on with Sascha?

Sitting on the bench in front of the building’s main entrance is Oleg, who lives with his mother on the second floor. Alissa is sitting on his lap. I don’t like it.

I’m not sure how old Oleg is. But he’s probably already celebrated a fortieth birthday. Ever since I’ve lived here, he’s been there every day sitting for hours on that bench. And why not — his legs don’t work. He was hit by a car as a kid. Not sure how I know that. It’s just part of the general knowledge here. He has red hair and rusty brown eyes, but he looks completely different from Felix. It might have something to do with the fact that Felix’s face isn’t covered with patchy stubble of varying shades of red.

I go closer and notice a lot of his stubble’s gone gray since the last time I looked at him this closely.

Oleg always has a chess board next to him. He used to keep stacks of newspapers there, too, open to the chess column. But all the columns have migrated from the print editions to the web. The Internet is probably also why Oleg isn’t outside as often as he used to be. When he’s alone on the bench, he moves the chess pieces around. And if somebody sits down with him, he talks about whatever books he’s just read.

Well, actually he doesn’t talk about the books. He reads from them. But not from the book. From memory. Once I sat there next to him with the book he was reciting from and checked his memory against the printed copy. He never got more than five words wrong per page.

When somebody is that good at something, I’m not jealous. I’m awed.

My first year here at the Emerald I spent a lot of time on the bench with Oleg. Not to hear him recite stories. I don’t have the patience to be read aloud to. I prefer to read things at my own much faster pace.

Nope. I played chess. He was damn good. He probably still is. I don’t know anyone who has ever beaten him. He instantly solves any scenario in the newspaper chess columns.

No wonder he can’t get anyone to play him anymore. Back then I was the only one who didn’t get discouraged by the constant losses. I kept trying. I would take pride in the fact that I forced him to make fourteen moves instead of ten to reach checkmate. And he always explained afterwards exactly what I had done wrong. Each and every thing.

That first year I dreamed at night about rooks and knights and black and white squares. After school I would toss my backpack on the stairs and arrange the pieces on the bench even before I’d had a snack or done my homework.

I didn’t listen to Oleg when he talked. I just stared at the board, looking up in amazement when after a while I would notice a group of boys had gathered around us. They listened to Oleg. And their ears were always flushed red. He talked to them while he casually made moves on the board and once in a while made some comment about one of my moves — those comments were the only words that got through to me during the games. He made those comments a bit louder, and I would say, “What? Yeah, yeah,” and then shut my ears off again.

And then came the day I realized he was describing in minute detail scenes from the porn films he rented from a nearby video store. Each week the shop would pick up the previous week’s videos and deliver a new batch to his apartment. And I realized he had probably been doing that all along as I sat there next to him thinking about strategies and attacks.

I was ten years old and it took me a while to connect the words delivered in Oleg’s gentle voice with the giggling of his pimply-faced audience. I forgot about the game and listened with my mouth open in shock to the images he described with such precision. Some of the words he used sounded as mysterious as the chess terminology had before I learned it. With me Oleg talked of gambits, skewers, and castling. The things he talked about with the boys didn’t sound much different. That certain number combinations and things like French openings existed not only in my favorite game but apparently also in his porn films seemed like a huge and particularly cruel betrayal.