Gordimer Nadine - The House Gun

— And then?—

Now he tells it by rote; it is something he has been told happened to him. By another self; the lawyer becomes the accused’s other self once he has absorbed, appropriated the facts.

— I went out, through the garden, to the house. The lights were on and the verandah door was open. I went into the living-room and she was under him on the sofa. Carl.—

— They were making love?—

— They were finishing. They couldn’t stop. So I saw it.—

In the minds and memories of all, strangers, bodies side by side in the public gathering, there is the shared moment before the orgasm. They are a collective of the flesh. They know. Does the judge partake, does he recall, does he too know that moment, made love last night, so that he truly understands what it was that the accused could not help seeing, that couldn’t stop? Not even for the one standing in the doorway.

What did they do, those two discovered, and what did he do, Motsamai is asking. The answer is Duncan doesn’t know, he left what he saw as Natalie was suddenly aware of him and Carl’s face appeared for a moment with the rise and fall of the bodies, he turned back to the dark.

Duncan fled, flight was possible that time, as it is not now.

For Motsamai is developing that part of the progression which is easily comprehensible: what Natalie James did was drive away, she did not return to the cottage that night or next day. Duncan did not sleep during what was left of the night. He did not go to his work at the drawing board in the morning. It was Friday. Friday, January 19th.

— What did you do? You spent the day in the cottage?—

— Just thinking.—

— Were you thinking what you might do about the situation. —

— No. No. I was looking for an explanation. A reason. Trying to work out why.—

— Why such a thing could happen?—

— Yes. Whether what I saw.—

— Were you thinking of confronting Natalie? Of seeking out your friend Carl, to confront him?—

— I didn’t want to see them. I had seen them . I was looking for the explanation, in myself. That’s all I thought of, all day. I’m used to facing crises of one kind or another with her; I can depend on myself in dealing with them.—

— Have you done this successfully, that is to say with no ill consequences, before?—

— Many times.—

— So you had no thought of revenge of any kind, towards either of them?—

— Revenge for what. I don’t own either of them, they are free to do as they like.—

— You had no thought at all of any kind of revengeful accusation, let alone action for how their ‘doing as they like’ affected you? Your life? Your love relationship with Natalie?—

— No.—

— Your former relationship with Carl Jespersen?—

Surely what he said now was not in Motsamai’s rehearsed script.

— No. All I could remember — about seeing them there like that — was disgust, a disintegration of everything, disgust with myself, everyone.—

— Yes? — Motsamai’s is a conductor’s gesture from the podium.

— This was what I was trying to explain, so that I could put — things — together again, understand myself.—

— Were you thinking about the future of your relationship with Natalie? Did you think it could continue, after what you saw — her particular use of her freedom, her reward of your love and care for her?—

— How do I know. It had continued after so many occasions that could have put an end to it.—

— You stayed in the cottage all that day, lying on the bed? Alone?—

— Yes. With the dog.—

— When did you get up, what prompted you?—

— The dog, he was hungry, restless. I got dressed and gave him his dish of food.—

Motsamai drew a tide of deep breath, his black gown rose over his breast, he took time, for the two of them, Duncan and himself. — And then?—

— Outside. He eats outside. So I was in the garden.—

— What time was this?—

— I hadn’t looked at a watch, it must have been the time we usually fed him, about half-past six, or seven.—

— You were in the garden; did you return to the cottage?—

— No.—

— Why?—

— I just (the gesture fell back half-way; it was the first time he had used his hands, those attributes of defence given up along with admittance of guilt) I just walked over to the house.—

— What was your purpose?—

— I found myself in the garden. Instead of going hack into the cottage, I walked over.—

— Did you hope to see anyone at the house, talk to someone there? One of the other friends?—

— I didn’t want to talk to anyone.—

— Then you mean to tell the court, you had no reason to go there? — Which one of the carefully chosen assessors, one white, one sufficiently tinctured to pass as black, was it who was speaking — both sat, either side of the judge, silent henchmen. The voice was slow and clumsy. Harald had the strange sense that it came from a medium through whose mouth the public, the people filling the court, spoke.

— I found myself in the garden, I think then I had to find myself standing again where I stood in the doorway.—

Motsamai leaves no moment of silence before he takes up affirmation: —So you crossed the garden to the house to stand once again from where you saw the pair, your former male lover and the woman, your present lover, coupling on the sofa. And when you reached the same doorway, what then?—

Claudia could smell her own sweat, there is no cosmetic that can suppress anguish that only the body, primitive mute that it is, can express, hygiene is a polite convention that covers the animal powers in suburban life. Is Harald praying — is that the other kind of emanation, that comes from him; let them mingle, the brutish and the spiritual, if they can produce the solidarity promised long ago in covenant with their son.

Duncan is now speaking by rote again. As if there is something switched off, a power cut in some part of the brain.

Jespersen was lying on the sofa.—

— What was his reaction when he saw you?—

— Smiled.—

— He smiled. Did he speak?—

— Carl said, Oh dear. I’m sorry, Bra .—

The judge addresses his question as if it may be answered either by the accused or his counsel. — ‘Bra’, what does that signify, ‘bra’?—

— It’s a fraternal diminutive used between us black men, M’Lord, and also extended to white men with whom blacks share fraternal bonds now, in a united country. It means you claim the person thus addressed as your brother. — And Motsamai switched in perfect timing from judge to accused — So — he claimed you as still a brother.—

— He. did.—

— What was your response?—

— I thought then, it was him I had come to.—

— Did you confront him for an explanation of his behaviour, did you think a casual ‘I’m sorry’, the kind of apology a man makes when he bumps against someone in the street, was sufficient?—

— He talked. We are not children, didn’t we both of us have the same credo, we don’t own each other, we want to live freely, don’t we, whether it’s going to be sex or something like taking a long walk. Never mind, he said, the walk is over the sex is over, it was a nice time, that’s it, isn’t it. Hadn’t that always been understood between him and me. Just unfortunate, he said, he and Natalie had been a bit too impulsive, she’s usually a girl who arranges things more carefully, privately. He had his good-natured laugh. He told me, all of us know it — he said — I knew it, and it hadn’t changed things with Natalie and me before. He told me: he said to me, I shouldn’t ever follow anyone around, come to look for them in their lives, that’s for people who make a prison out of what they feel and lock someone up inside. He said she was a great girl and she’d never give it another thought. And as for him, I knew his tastes — no claims, God no — he said it was just a little crazy nightcap, that’s what he called it, part of the good evening we’d all had, the drinks, the laughs he and she had, cleaning up together.—