James Kelman - A Chancer

I hated the bloody thing.

Robert shook his head. Then he muttered, Aye, probably best that you think of moving. Seriously Tammas, for your own good. Mind but, I’m no telling you to go.

Tammas nodded.

His brother-in-law had arrived by the door and he waited there with his hand on the doorknob. I wouldnt do that, he said, I wouldnt tell you to go.

I know.

Robert shrugged. Unless I lost my temper! Naw but it’s just Margaret, you know what like she is, she’s a heck of a woman for worrying and when you’re here and she doesnt know what’s happening and the rest of it. . Well, she just starts worrying and worrying and it’s hopeless.

Okay.

•••

The taxi stopped at the side entrance but before he could open the door three wee boys rushed forward, scrambling to reach the handle. Will yous fucking stop that! yelled the driver.

While Tammas was paying the fare one of the boys was banging shut the door and he gave him some change. Split that between yous, he told them.

In the bar underneath the stand he ordered a bottle of export and he stood reading the evening’s programme in the Adviser. The 1st and 2nd races were over. Once he had chosen the likeliest winners he asked a man closeby to tell him the results.

Then he swallowed the rest of the beer and went to the other counter, ordered a hot pie and a carton of soup. Then he spotted Billy and John; they were standing by the door peering about. He shouted to them, waving them over.

What a surprise, said Billy; finding you here!

Is there something up?

Billy winked: Just thought we’d come over and keep you company!

Want a pint? said John.

Eh naw, I’ll just stick with this. . He indicated the pie, and soup carton.

You sure?

I’ve just finished one.

Okay man — what about you Billy?

Aye, a lager.

John crossed to the bar. Immediately Tammas glanced at Billy: What d’you bring him with you for? He always puts the fucking mokkers on me?

It was him had the dough! Billy grinned: Better be careful, he’s here to ask you to go to England with him.

What?

Aye.

Fuck sake! Tammas bit a mouthful of the pie.

Billy nodded. You dont fancy it then?

How do you?

I dont know. At least there’s work — Manchester he’s talking about. Supposed to be a stack of factories and industrial estates and all that.

I thought your auld man was getting you into the copper works?

Billy shrugged.

After a moment Tammas said, D’you actually fancy England?

A wee bit man, aye, I must admit.

Hh! Tammas bit another mouthful, and he sipped at the soup. Better than beer on a night like this! he said. Hey was it really his suggestion to come over?

Aye, Christ, it wouldnt be mine anyway man I’m fucking skint.

Tammas nodded, grinned. The usual!

Cheeky bastard! Billy frowned slightly and turned to glance at the bar.

Probably fucked off home cause it’s his round! Billy grinned.

A few minutes before the off for the 3rd race Tammas had left the bar and gone to the betting enclosure. Very soon after he saw Billy standing just below the row of bookmakers. And then John was there beside him. Tammas went over. He slipped a £5 note to Billy.

John was saying, Favourite looks good Tammas eh?

He nodded.

D’you fancy it yourself?

It’s got a chance.

You backing it like?

Who me?

Aye, the favourite.

Naw. . Tammas glanced at Billy who was smiling. He added: It has got a chance but. I wouldnt chat you off it John. Ran a great race last Tuesday.

Last Tuesday?

Were you here on Tuesday? asked Billy.

Aye.

John said, Did you win?

Naw. What is this — fucking question-time! Tammas frowned and he peered at the track where the dogs were being held by their handlers for the vet to check them. Yous better hurry if yous want a bet, he said, and he left them there, made his way up to the part of the Stand from where he tried to watch most of the races.

He lighted a cigarette, put his hands in his trouser pockets and hunched his shoulders. There was a wee man with spectacles two terracing steps in front of him. Tammas leaned forwards: Hey Shuggie, fucking freezing the night eh?

Ah you’re no fucking kidding son! The wee man was smoking a roll up; he brought it out of his mouth and turned sideways to drop a mouthful of spit onto the ground. What d’you bet? he said.

Fuck all.

The wee man nodded. Hard race. I fancy the F.A.V. right enough.

Aye, it’s got a chance. So’s the 4 dog but.

Ran a good race on Saturday. Mind? came wide at the 3rd bend? Would’ve won out the fucking pack if it hadnt!

No danger. Tammas rubbed his hands: The backmarker’s got a chance as well!

I was thinking that myself. Any trouble round the 1st and it’ll be right up with them!

Tammas nodded, standing back up a step. Billy had appeared at his side, breathless, and whispering: Hey man thanks for the handful. . I mean it, honest, thanks.

Ssshh.

Then John appeared behind him. And the hooter was sounding, the stadium lights dimming. John stepped round the back of Billy and Tammas both, and he began speaking. It’s no as big a crowd as I expected. According to what I hear they really get great crowds at that White City track in Manchester.

Tammas laughed.

Naw I’m no kidding but.

Then the loud roaring as the dogs raced for the 1st bend. Tammas was watching and saying, The backmarker Billy, look at it go look at it go! It’s a certainty.

On you go the 1! Billy had his hands cupped to his mouth and yelled: On you go ya beauuttehh! 1 dog you’re a fucking moral!

The wee man turned and shouted: It’s a dancer! the backmarker! Favourite’s fucked!

The dog from trap 1 hit the front shortly before the last bend and it won easily. Billy threw his arms aloft and jumped at Tammas, flinging his arms round him and yelling: I got 6’s too ya fucking beauty! 6’s! 6 to fucking 1!

I didnt even know you had money! cried John.

He didnt! The bastard! Tammas laughed: I loaned him a fiver!

A fiver! What did you have on it? asked John.

Aw just a pound, said Billy, just a pound.

Still and all. .

Billy laughed.

After he had collected the winnings he paused a moment while John walked on, and he said to Tammas: Here, I’ll give you the fiver back.

Dont be daft! Hang on and see how it goes. Tammas grinned, It might be your night — you’ve fucking waited long enough!

And when you go into a pub it’s bitter you ask for, no heavy. That right Billy?

True. Billy grinned.

Aye but these Blackpool pubs, said John. I mean they were brilliant. And you thought the same as us Billy so dont give us it!

Naw I agree, I agree.

John shook his head. Even the lassies Tammas — and this pair we met, from Stockport they came. They were telling us Manchester pubs were the best you could get. Cabarets and all that as well. That right Billy?

Defintootly.

Ach shut your fucking mouth!

Wait a minute John I’m agreeing with you!

You’re no fucking agreeing with us at all!

Aye I am.

Heh, said Tammas, stop this fighting. We’ve got to dig out a winner for this next yin. Okay Billy, what’s it to be?

I’m divulging nothing.

Ach divulge man for fuck sake?

Naw, you’re not on.

Ach please?

Nope.

See yous pair! John shook his head. How come yous never tell any cunt what you’re betting?

The mokkers John boy the mokkers. Billy grinned: Never heard of the mokkers?

Seriously but.

Seriously! Well!

Tammas said, I dont mind telling you John — as long as you wait till after the thing’s won or got gubbed. I have to admit as well right enough, I dont even want to fucking talk about this race cause the nap’s going in it.