James Kelman - Greyhound for Breakfast

Tommy looked at him but did not reply.

‘Right,’ said the crew-cut man coming over with a wooden tray, ‘pour the cash on and we’ll get it counted.’

Both men stacked and quickly double-checked the money while the thin man marked up the pay-in chit for £7/5/4.

‘Much did you say?’ echoed the big man.

‘Seven pound five and four.’

‘Well he’s only got four and a half here!’

‘What?’

‘Four and a half.’

‘Christ sake!’

The crew-cut man shook his head. ‘No more money kid?’

‘No. Just my tips.’

‘Your tips!’

‘His tips,’ said the big man.

The thin man smiled. ‘Get them out,’ he said.

Tommy hesitated but then he lifted out all the change from his right front pocket, dumped it onto the counter. The crew-cut man counted it rapidly. ‘Twenty-two and seven,’ he said, ‘plus it’s a twenty-five bob run.’

The thin man nodded.

‘Seven and nine short,’ said the crew-cut man. He looked at Tommy. ‘You’re seven and nine short kid.’

Tommy frowned.

‘You still got money to collect?’

‘Aye.’

The crew-cut man nodded. ‘Good, you’ll get it through the week then eh?’

‘Aye.’ Tommy gazed across at the big man who had taken the wooden tray of money over to a desk. The thin man was also over there and writing into a large thick book.

‘Okay kid,’ said the crew-cut man, ‘that’s us locking up now. .’ He lifted a key from a hook on the wall and came to the counter, vaulted across it, landing with a thump nearby the door. He opened the door, ushering Tommy out. ‘MacKenzie’ll be back new week eh?’

‘Aye.’

‘Good, good.’

The thin man called, ‘Is he looking for a run?’

The crew-cut man nodded and said, ‘You looking for a run yourself?’

‘Aye!’

‘Okay then son, as soon as one falls vacant I’ll tell your brother, eh? How’s that?’

‘Great, that’s great mister.’

‘Right you are,’ answered the crew-cut man and he shut the door behind him. Tommy heard the key turning in the lock.

His mother opened the door when he arrived home. She cried, ‘It’s nearly four o’clock Tommy where’ve you been? What happened?’

‘Nothing mum, I was just late, honest.’

‘Just late!’

‘Aye, honest.’

‘Tch! Away and take off these old trousers then and I’ll make you a piece on cheese! And go and wash yourself in the bathroom you’re filthy! Look at your face! Where did you get dirt like that?’

When he came through to the living room after his piece was on a plate on the sideboard and there was a cup of milk. His father was sitting on his armchair reading the Mail and drinking tea, a cigarette smouldering on the ashtray. ‘How did you get on?’ he asked over his spectacles.

‘Okay dad.’

‘What a time he took!’ said his mother.

‘Any problems?’ asked his father.

‘Some but it was okay really. I’ve to collect people through the week.’

His father nodded.

‘Were they not in to pay the money?’ asked his mother.

‘No, and I went back.’

‘That’s terrible.’

‘The man said I might get a run soon. He’ll tell John.’

His father nodded, his gaze returning to the paper.

‘That’s good son,’ replied his mother.

Then his father murmured, ‘See and save something.’

Tommy nodded, biting into the piece on cheese.

I’ll tell you something: when I stepped outside that door I was alone, and I mean alone. And it was exactly what I had wanted, almost as if I’d been demanding it. And that was funny because it’s not the kind of thing I would usually demand at all; usually I didnt demand anything remotely resembling being outside that door. But now. Christ. And another thing: I didnt even feel as if I was myself. What a bloody carry on it was. I stared down at my legs, at my trousers. I was wearing these corduroy things I mostly just wear to go about. These big bloody holes they have on the knee. So that as well. Christ, I began to think my voice would start erupting in one of these bloodcurdling screams of horror. But no. Did it hell, I was in good control of myself. I glanced down at my shoes and lifted my right foot, kidding on I was examining the shoelaces and that, to see if they were tied correctly. One of those stupid kind of things you do. It’s as if you’ve got to show everybody that nothing’s taking place out the ordinary. This is the kind of thing you’re used to happening. It’s a bit stupid. But the point to remember as well; I was being watched. It’s the thing you might forget. So I just I think sniffed and whistled a wee bit, to kid on I was assuming I was totally alone. And I could almost hear them drawing the curtains aside to stare out. Okay but I thought: here I am alone and it’s exactly what I wanted; it was what I’d been demanding if the truth’s to be told. I’ll tell you something as well: I’m not usually a brave person but at that very moment I thought Christ here you are now and what’s happening but you’re keeping on going, you’re keeping on going, just as if you couldnt give a damn about who was watching. I’m not kidding you I felt as great as ever I’ve felt in my whole life, and that’s a fact. So much so I was beginning to think is this you that’s doing it. But it bloody was me, it was. And then I was walking and I mean walking, just walking, with nobody there to say yay or nay. What a feeling thon was. I stopped a minute to look about. An error. Of course, an error. I bloody knew it as soon as I’d done it. And out they came.

Where you off to?

Eh — nowhere in particular.

Can we come with you?

You?

Well we feel like a breath of fresh air.

I looked straight at them when they said that. It was that kind of daft thing people can say which gives you nearly nothing to reply. So I just, what I did for a minute, I just stared down at my shoes and then I said, I dont know how long I’ll be away for.

They nodded. And it was a bit of time before they spoke back. You’d prefer we didnt come with you. You want to go yourself.

Go myself?

Yes, you prefer to go yourself. You dont want us to come with you.

No, it’s not that, it’s just, it’s not that, it’s not that at all, it’s something else.

They were watching me and not saying anything.

It’s just I dont know how long I’ll be away. I might be away a couple of hours there again I might be away till well past midnight.

Midnight?

Yes, midnight, it’s not that late surely, midnight, it’s not that late.

We’re not saying it is.

Yes you are.

No we’re not.

But you are, that’s what you’re saying.

We arent. We arent saying that at all. We’re not caring at all what you do. Go by yourself if you like. If you had just bloody told us to begin with instead of this big smokescreen you’ve always got to draw this great big smokescreen.

I have not.

Yes you have. That’s what you’ve done.

That’s what I’d done. That’s what they were saying: they were saying I’d drawn this great big smokescreen all so’s I could get outside the door as if the whole bloody carry on was just in aid of that. I never said anything back to them. I just thought it was best waiting and I just kind of kidded on I didnt really know what they were meaning.

My name is John Devine and I now discover that for the past while I’ve been going off my head. I mean that the realization has finally hit me. Before then I sort of thought about it every so often but not in a concrete sense. It was actually getting to the stage where I was joking about it with friends! It’s alright I would say on committing some almighty clanger, I’m going off my head.