James Kelman - Mo said she was quirky

Because he was a disappointment to them. They were wealthy people and upper class. Being a surgeon or something like a doctor was a disappointment to them. In Britain this was the best but not for them. They were high caste and very high up. They had a caste system in India and they were top people. He was not degenerate. Mo said he was but he wasnt. It was a horrible word and sounded like perversion, as if the surgeon was perverted and he was not at all perverted, it was not fair to say it.

Mo was biased against rich people; and biased against India too. He said he wasnt but he was. Caste and class; rich people and poor people and how the rich ones always take the best for themself and just go with whoever gives them it, just like soldiers and prostitutes. But it wasnt fair saying that, only if it was mercenary soldiers, and that didnt apply to them all. Mo was wrong. It was generalisations. That was why Muslim people got a bad name, you cant tar everybody with the same brush, even Americans, most soldiers were just poor people needing a job, the same with casinos. If he hated them too. He did hate them, and was on shaky ground as well he knew. Anyway, she didnt talk to him about work matters. Not unless she had to. The same with her ex who hated hearing about high stakes and big gamblers and said it was boring. Mo didnt say that although for him it might have been. But about other men was Mo jealous? Helen was not sure. Sometimes it seemed liked he was. But not like a jealousy, not a real one. If ever it was she would walk. She had had enough of that to last a lifetime. The very idea, it was so not ever ever going to happen again. Never. The slightest thing, and she was away. He was vicious. People wouldnt have believed her because they didnt see bruises. Women got bruised in other ways. Men can have cheery words and jokes. It fools some people. So let them be fooled. If they wanted to be fooled, let them.

Mo was nothing at all like him. Only he was silly and did things for fun, and also like a compliment, so Helen felt good about herself. It was nice being valued.

The mad doctor may have been a decent man but she was not about to run off with him. What nonsense it all was. If ever she ran off with anybody, she would know. Anyway, he was not her type. If she had a type, he was not it.

There was a serious side to this: you wouldnt look twice at certain men; it didnt matter if they were good-looking, so-called, it didnt matter. But he was not what you would expect of a surgeon. Surgeons were delicate, or supposed to be, that was their job, everything with pin-point accuracy. He was nothing like that. He was not at all athletic. You couldnt imagine him ever running, or if he played a game like tennis or squash, you just could not imagine it. Never an ordinary game like football, it would never be football. His body too! My God. Big and clumsy, that was him. Imagine his body! She couldnt, pure and simple.

It wasnt fair to say, but if she did have a type he was not it.

Not everybody liked him either. His chattering spoiled people’s concentration. Some gamblers never spoke, only very basic words, so when he was doing it they looked away.

It was understandable. If people are losing they have to concentrate. They need to. The surgeon was like a nuisance. Some regulars thought that, and with his drinking. When the cards were dealt they didnt want distractions. And if he said the wrong thing. You never knew who was at the table. Once in Glasgow a man brought out a gun and just laughed, he pretended it was absent-mindedness but really he did it for a joke, laying it on the table edge as he searched for his cigarettes. He was about to go out for a smoke. Ann Marie was dealing the cards at that time. She made a witty comment about tissues: at least it wasnt a snottery tissue like how some people leave their snottery tissues on the baize. That was so disgusting, never mind pistol-guns. People had been barred from the casino for less than that but this guy wasnt. He was a regular and played for big money. That came first before everything. He apologised to the Inspector and the manager and apologised to Ann Marie as well, if he made her scared. Of course he made her scared! Imagine a pistol-gun. Ann Marie called them ‘pistol-guns’. What was he doing with a pistol-gun? People laughed. Helen did too, when Ann Marie was telling her, because it was funny and you couldnt help it, but it was the laugh you do when you shiver. Some men made you shiver. You had to be careful. Helen was, or tried to be.

Jill came out with something daft about the surgeon, thinking he might be gay. He only appears to flirt, she said, he isnt serious. If you made a move he would run a mile.

Helen smiled when Jill said that. It was so unlike her. And very very silly. So if the guy was not serious with her, so then he was gay? Is that what she was saying? It was silly and not what you would expect from Jill.

Anyway, if he was, Helen would have known, and she was not a boaster saying that. Men looked at her and the surgeon was one. Their brains were someplace else. Men dont have brains. That was Ann Marie, ‘it’ thinks for them, ‘it’ meaning ‘thing’ as in penis. Their eyes were watching you when you glanced up from the cards and you saw them for that one split second before they looked away, unless they wanted you to see. Then if they went further and gave a wee signal, smiling longer or else whatever, men did it in a certain way and it was obvious, you knew it was happening, even when it was a surprise; people who should have known better, if they were in the public eye like on television or football players. Two were regulars. They were new in their football team, new in the country, and this was where they came, them and their French voices; it was French they spoke, just sexy and funny and the women talked about them. But they were only boys, they shouldnt have been spending their time in casinos. And if they were reported? People tell stories, they phone up the newspapers. Their football manager wouldnt have liked it.

Just being alive was a gamble. You opened a door and what was behind? You never knew. Everybody took risks. Helen too, she had done. Never again. Never. Never never. Oh my God the thought, the very thought! The one she went with made her shiver. Even thinking about him. It was true. Who made her feel like that? Nobody. Oh how he looked at her, he just had to, even away over, he would be standing away over and she would be dealing and perhaps somebody asking for a card and she happened to see him, just glancing across. Then he was gone; she looked and she didnt see him. She couldnt stop thinking about him, he just arrived and she saw him and then he was away and she couldnt think of anything else. That was so against the rules. You could act ordinary in the job but when it came to men and it took away your concentration, oh no, then their hands were in the till and you were out a job.

It was dangerous too. He was dangerous. Men that made you feel that way, some did and he was one.

There were rumours about him. Nothing bad; not that Helen ever heard and she would have heard because she listened for it. And never anything to her, not in the slightest, only how he made her feel, and the respect for her, that was what he had. He never acted badly towards her. So if it was sex my God that was her business. It was. He just made her feel good. That was him and the man he was. If he was different with men, well of course he was: men are different with men and so are women, different from women, different from each other; of course they are. It made life a puzzle. Men could be strange, they did unexpected things, foolish things, they took foolish risks. Why had he chosen her. Because it was true that he did, he did choose her.

It was her he chose. My God. Out of everybody.