James Kelman - The Burn

The invalid stopped him from talking by waving his hand. Young fellow, were you the lad that helped me up the stair the other day?

Edward couldnt answer because this was part of the hoax and it was a trap question.

Were you?

Your wife says so but you’ll have to work it out for yourself, it’s no good asking me because how do you know about me you dont know nothing quite honestly, quite frankly, when you come to think about it. She says it was me, she says it was but I wouldnt actually believe her, how do you know, she might be lying, just because she’s elderly and small and acts like she’s the epitome of truth and wisdom therefore she has to be a paragon, but how do you know the devil hasnt entered her soul and she’s only there to draw us all into evil ways?

He stopped speaking. Then he said, I obviously only mean that as a for instance; I dont really think it — I mean how could I! Obviously I couldnt.

The way the invalid was staring at him, his eyes set, set fixed and firm.

Look, said Edward, I’m just trying to be honest. I dont know anything about industrial sabotage or industrial injuries, I dont know anything at all, if somebody has to suffer a terrible horrendous agony just in order that others might go free, that’s just the same as happens to other people — it happened to Jesus Christ, He had to be crucified, so maybe it was like what you’re saying, for the sake of the good of mankind as a whole, if that’s what you’re talking about, about somebody having to get killed instead of something else. Well there’s other sins people have to atone for, it’s no always just your own. I think that’s a mistake a lot of folk make, especially males like us, men, I think we’re very often mistaken at the very root of our own existence as human beings.

The invalid was squinting at him. He shook his head: I’m no following your drift.

Well look I mean you asked if I believed in God. I do, I really do. I stopped it for a while but now I’m back to having the faith. I feel on my best behaviour because of it and having everything to overcome. The world’s just such a big place I find with people suffering the wide world over. I find it hard. You help the one person are you supposed to help them all? And then how are you supposed to keep on living your own life into the bargain? Cause nobody helps you. Know what I mean? That’s all I’m saying, it’s no because you’re selfish, you just dont have the power or the control except maybe a wee minuscule slice, and then you wind up getting squashed, just like a wee beetle — that’s what happened to a friend of mine. . when we were at college, he started to get involved in charity work for foreign countries and then he ended up in trouble.

You’re misjudging yourself young fellow.

Pardon?

I was beginning to guess that just after you came in. But there again it’s my own fault; I tend no to get things right either.

Edward scratched the side of his head.

And then you see I’ve got to trust whoever she trusts; my missis, I have to rely on her for my character judgments. Of course it’s this bloody thing here. .! He shook his head, staring at the contraption. If it wasnt for it I’d be able to give more time to things, I’d be able to do my own thinking when it comes to getting things done, and that’s what’s important. Ach. . The invalid’s head drooped and he sighed.

Edward nodded, he studied the frayed bit of the carpet, how its wee threads were spread so very haphazardly and you could just reach down and straighten them out, get them into a neat wee row. This was a memorable meeting but it wasnt nice at the time. He would always take pains to remember that. It was a promise. He had promised, and he would do it. Even when he would tell a friend about how all this had happened he would make sure he added on about it not being nice when it happened, actually was happening at the time; it was very uncomfortable — not even the chair was good to sit on and plus as well you had the very proximity of the old man, how him being an invalid meant you got this old smell which was really quite fuisty and you hate to say it but almost nearly what you would call a stench, when you came to think about it, like as if he hadnt washed or perish the thought cleansed himself the last time he visited the toilet etcetera etcetera though you dont like saying that because he was a genuine and good old guy that you had to respect for his integrity down through the years, him being involved in politics in an active way on the factory floor, you had to really respect him. There was the door! Deborah! Deborah. .

Oh Lord Lord Lord.

Edward had started up from the chair, he glanced this way and that; but whosoever was outside on the stair landing must have continued on to some other destination. He relaxed, settled himself back on the chair again.

Where was she though? She was late. Usually she was on time, she was quite a precise person. In fact that was quite a good thing about her and fitted in with him; they were quite alike in that sense, him also being a person who was quite precise or tried to be. That side of things was fine but not an especial plus, not in the selling line, it was definitely not an especial plus in the selling line: you could be as late as you wanted as long as you knew how to close a sale.

Deborah:

He really thought she was a great lassie, really great. It was just she didnt have the best of manners. This bad habit she had of — it was like not having a sense of humour maybe, to do with that — quite a nasty tongue even, in some ways, you had to admit it. Even her own mother said it about her, and that was something surely. And maybe as well, and it was terrible to say, and it wasnt a criticism at all but just if she maybe just learned to wear better clothes, a wee bit more stylish, if the truth be told, maybe like Jeanette who was called Jinty by people. You couldnt call Deborah anything like that. She didnt like him calling her Debbie for instance and Debs just sounded stupid

Edward got to his feet.

Because it was time to go. It really was time to go. He had all these bloody things to learn before morning came, never mind prepare his head for her, get his head right, get things sorted, get the things worked out because of

God, he just didnt know what to do, he didnt, he didnt know what to do. He had no idea. He just had no idea. He was in a terrible state, situation, it wasnt something he didnt know how to get out, what he could do, and she would be here she would be here, she would be here, she would be here

Just sit down a minute, the invalid commanded.

Edward shook his head.

Just for a minute.

I cant, I just cant.

You can.

I’ve got to go.

I’ve a need to tell you something. It’s a kind of confession.

Edward gazed at him.

I’ve got to talk things out with you.

But you’ve done that already, have you no?

No.

I thought you had.

Look young fellow talking it out in that certain way I’m meaning is a confession; that’s what a confession is . And I’ll know when I’ve done it, because you always do, once you’ve made it you know you’ve made it. Your mind feels easy.

Edward paused. He was looking to say something. There was something he was to say and he was looking to say it, it was maybe to do with guilt, because he knew about that, a wee bit at least. Although he was so much younger that didnt mean he didnt, because it was a thing you could feel even as a boy.

The invalid was waiting to speak.

Sorry, said Edward.

The invalid frowned and made a gesture with his hand: You see I’m no able to speak unless you’re willing to listen, you’ve got to be able to hear what I’m saying but you’re no always willing to do that.