Adam Levin - The Instructions

That latter thought looks a lot more racist than it was. The wording is accurate, but At least he’s an Israelite = At least I know for sure now that June’s not one of those Israelites I read about who doesn’t want to date other Israelites.

And then I remembered how I knew his name: I’d read it in the Aptakisic News . I’d read it in an article written by Ruth about the Main Hall Shovers.

“Josh Berman,” said Jelly. “Josh Berman!” said Jelly. “Not just a Main Hall Shover,” said Jelly. “And not just a Jewish Shover,” said Jelly. “But the alphadog king of all Jewish Shovers,” said Jelly. “How’s that ?” said Jelly. “What do you think of that ?” said Jelly.

What I thought was that I didn’t want to think of that at all. I didn’t know any Israelite Main Hall Shovers; I only knew about them — I only knew what Ruth wrote about them in the Aptakisic News— and I knew I didn’t like them — I disliked all Main Hall Shovers on principle, and as for the Israelite ones, hate was probably too strong a word to describe what I… I didn’t want to think about it, there at lunch. I didn’t want to think about Shovers or any of it.

Did she kiss him? I said.

Jelly said, “Tch.”

I wanted, least of all, to think about them kissing, but I saw that I had to.

Did she? I said.

“Probably,” said Jelly. “I can’t say for sure.”

Then don’t say probably.

“They went out for a while . Maybe three weeks . That’s why I said it.”

But you don’t know for sure, I said.

“No,” Jelly said, “but I don’t know for sure that she didn’t kiss him either.”

I thought: If June kissed him, this person Josh Berman, it was only a kiss. Then they broke up. She broke up with him. She broke up with Josh Berman, if they kissed or they didn’t kiss, and that meant she wasn’t in love with him.

But then I thought: You don’t know what a kiss is; you’ve never kissed anyone! Only a kiss ? That’s a line from the movies! A lyric from a showtune! You don’t know what it is any better than you know who broke up with who, who June loves or doesn’t, who June loved or didn’t.

I must have looked bad, because Jelly backed off.

“All I’m saying’s she’s weird,” Jelly said. “She’s just weird.”

“Who’s weird?” said Benji.

Jelly said, “Pay attention.”

“But I heard everything you said,” Benji told Jelly. “I was just being polite because I wanted to be in the conversation, but you weren’t talking to me and it sounded like your conversation was private, and I didn’t want you to feel like I’d invaded your privacy, so when you said some girl was weird, I asked you which girl, so that you wouldn’t think someone had been eavesdropping on you. I’m highly sensitive when it comes to other people’s privacy. You should know that about me, Jelly. So I’m asking you, ‘What girl?’ even though I know. I’m asking it as a favor to you . So you won’t feel invaded. So I won’t feel invasive. So we won’t feel awkward. So we both feel the same. And now we do feel the same — that much is true. But the same in this case is no good kind of same. We both feel uncomfortable. You criticized my gesture and made us feel uncomfortable, and now we have to work together to repair the situation. And so, to that end, I’m asking again, ‘ What girl is so weird?’ And you should be polite enough to tell me, Jelly.”

Jelly’s lips puckered to beat back a smile her flaring nostrils betrayed the strength of. “June Watermark,” she said. “She draws violent things, she went out with Josh Berman, and whoever’s in love with her should be in love with me instead.”

“Who cares what June draws?” said Nakamook. “I don’t care what she draws. I mean, say that for instance I was in love with you, Jelly, and Mangey started saying I shouldn’t be because you bite people. It wouldn’t matter to me, because being in love with you would make it so I didn’t care that you bite people because you’re really hot and you’re very funny, let’s say, and then maybe I’d enjoy it when you bit me because I loved you so much that I couldn’t even tell you about it directly since if I did that and you said you didn’t love me back I would have to kill us both or something.”

Jelly said, “Are you in love with me, Benji?”

Benji wasn’t even looking at her, though. He was squinting at me, like he was measuring something.

A kiss, I kept thinking. A kiss is just a kiss. What is a kiss?

“And who cares if she went out with Berman?” said Benji. “That kid is a dentist and he never laid a hand on her.”

How do you know? I said.

“He couldn’t kiss a baby asleep in a cradle. He couldn’t kiss his grandma. He couldn’t kiss a lapdog. He’s never kissed anyone,” Benji said.

How do you know? I said.

“I can tell,” Benji said, “if someone’s never been kissed.”

How can you tell?

“It’s a talent,” said Benji.

You can’t tell, I said.

“You’ve never been kissed. Jelly’s never been kissed. Leevon’s been kissed. Main Man hasn’t.”

“You’re guessing,” Jelly said.

“Am I wrong?” Benji said.

“He’s just guessing,” she said.

He at least wasn’t wrong about me or Jelly.

Benji said, “Listen. Gurion, listen—”

Main Man interrupted: “Listen to me. You’ve fallen in love with the girl of all girls, the queen of queens, the one who will mother the most righteous sons of you! Hers is the all-American ponytail of all American ponytails. I am walking on air for you. I am singing in the rain.”

“Benji,” said Jelly.

“Gu Ri On,” said Nakamook.

“And what does love feel like?” Scott went on. “Does it feel like the sound of cantaloupes smashing beneath fleshy hammers? It does indeed feel like melons exploding! Have you warmed her by the balustrade near ornamented parapets? Embraced her in the sandstorms of the Negev and the Sinai? Wherefore art thou, Gurion Maccabee? Will you leave us all behind for this lovely tomato? Will you be a shaved Samson in the nosebleed seats, watching from the bleachers while all of our keesters get handed to us red by basketball and pervs and robots and tall people, your ass’s jawbone long-gone and unswinging? Must she dull your ferocity? Can’t you be a lover and a fighter, Gurion? Can’t you be righteous and also be awesome? Can’t you even remember the justice love needs for protection? Please?” Mookus said.

I said, I’ll still bring the justice.

“So said Jesus,” said Scott Mookus.

Nakamook said, “Jesus never fell in love, Scott — but Gurion, listen, I learned a new action last night.”

Jelly said, “Please don’t do eyelid flips. Don’t ruin… lunch .”

Nakamook said, “It’s not eyelid flips. This kills eyelid flips. I’ll never do eyelid flips again,” he said. “Watch.”

Then Nakamook raised his shoulder-tops up to the top of his neck and his head started shaking in this tight, twitchy way, like a wire getting boinged. A couple seconds later, the breath of his nose was hissing and his face was completely red and his eyes were wet. He said, “You see? Do you see?” and when he said it, the voice was coming out of the top of his throat, Grover-style, like it was grinding against itself.

Scott said, “Ha! Haha!”

Leevon was sitting on the other side of me. I’d forgotten he was there until he poked my elbow. Then he did the same action as Nakamook did, and he did it even better so that the water on his eyes dripped down his cheeks and his cheeks looked loose.

Then Main Man did the action.