Adam Levin - Hot Pink

And Jenny will say, “No, he’s not the guy.”

And Rick will say, “Lucky for you, guy.”

And Geoff will go away.

Steve will then whisper, “It’s okay,” and say, “We’ll find him, Jenny,” and ask Rick, “Isn’t that true?”

And just as Rick, with his jabbing finger, indicates the new Geoff and says, “Is that the guy?” Jenny will touch Steve on the cheek to shush him. Steve will beam. FAQ

What if Geoff protests in the fashion of “I didn’t do it,” before Jenny tells Rick, “No, he’s not the guy”?

Ignore Geoff. Continue on as if he hadn’t said anything.

What if Geoff sasses Rick?

If Geoff sasses Rick, Steve should move half a step in Geoff’s direction, and Rick, from behind, should wrap his arms tightly around Steve’s shoulders and say quietly, “Cool out, man,” and then loudly, “We’ll get his ass soon enough.” And Steve should say, “Okay, Rick,” and go limp in Rick’s arms and half-step back into Tableau. Once the team gets within two feet of Geoff, Rick should push Geoff’s forehead back with his jabbing finger twice: once when he says, “You’re the guy,” and again when he says, “Lucky for you, guy.”

What if Geoff sasses Steve?

If Geoff sasses Steve, Steve should affect a neck-and-shoulder tick while Jenny and Rick pretend Geoff didn’t say anything, unless what Geoff says is pretty funny. If what Geoff says is pretty funny, then Rick should let a single chuckle escape and Jenny should bat him lightly on the shoulder, in a tsking manner.

What if Geoff sasses Jenny?

If Geoff sasses Jenny, there is no other option but for Jenny to follow Rick’s “You’re the guy” with “Ohmygod, he is the guy,” at which point Rick and Steve should commit acts of imaginative violence on Geoff, while chanting, “That’s what you get, guy. That’s what you get for messing with Jenny.”

What happens if Rick chooses a Geoff who actually did something brutal to Jenny in real life?

There is no such thing as a Geoff who actually did something brutal to Jenny in real life. Jenny doesn’t exist in real life any more so than Rick, Steve, or Geoff. However, the girl who plays Jenny (i.e., Jenny’s person) does exist, and if whoever’s playing Geoff (Geoff’s person) did something brutal to Jenny’s person, then he should be treated the same as if he had sassed Jenny, except that during the chant, the word Jenny should be replaced with the girl’s given name. If, for example, the given name of the girl who plays Jenny is Samantha, then Rick and Steve should chant, “That’s what you get, guy. That’s what you get for messing with Samantha .” Jenny should at no point after the violence feel obligated to describe the brutal thing the guy did to her person.

What happens if Jenny says Geoff is the guy and Rick doesn’t believe her?

It doesn’t matter what Rick believes. The guy is whoever Jenny says he is. It is fundamental. Where Rick chooses Geoff, Jenny chooses the guy, and Steve… does what is required of him.

What happens if Rick chooses a Geoff who thinks he (Geoff’s person) actually did something brutal to Jenny’s person, when really he did something brutal to someone else?

If Geoff’s person did something brutal to someone else, but Geoff thinks that his person did something brutal to Jenny’s person, then Geoff should be treated as if he sassed Jenny. If Geoff apologizes prior to the acts of imaginative violence, and in so doing addresses Jenny by the name that belongs to the girl whom Geoff thinks Jenny is, then the chant should incorporate that name. For example, if Geoff says, “I’m sorry, Nadine,” then Rick and Steve, while they perform imaginative violence on him, should chant, “That’s what you get, guy. That’s what you get for messing with Nadine .”

What happens if, after Rick tells Geoff, “Lucky for you, guy,” Geoff offers to help look for the guy?

If Geoff offers to help look for the guy, Rick should say, “Thanks for the offer, but this is our thing, guy.” It should be noted that this is another opportunity for Rick to make Steve feel important, thus engendering group cohesion. If Rick wants to make Steve feel important, he should wink at Steve while voicing the second clause (“but this is our thing”).

What happens if Geoff, in the course of playing The Guy , beats Rick and Steve into submission?

In this case, Geoff will have become the man. Steve will be the first to admit it. He will say to the man (formerly Geoff), “You are the man.” And Rick will apologize to Steve and Jenny. He will say, “I’m sorry.” And then he will say the same to the man, and add, “I mistook you for someone else, and I have failed my friends. I hope you will take my place by their side in this noble search for justice we have undertaken.” Then Rick will slink off, never to be seen by Steve or Jenny again, lest he risk becoming Geoff, or worse, the guy, and Jenny will ask the man to be Rick, and so will Steve. If the man accepts, he will be taken to the men’s room to practice Tableau. If the man refuses, then he will be pleaded with by Steve and, if he still refuses, he will be bid peace and farewell, and Jenny and Steve will bid one another peace and farewell and go away from one another forever, or a very long time, long enough to heal and to acquire the hope that is necessary to found a new team.

Can the guy be the man?

Yes. Whether or not Geoff remains Geoff or becomes the guy (whether by sassing Jenny or having, as his person, done something brutal to her person or to someone he thinks she is), he gets to be the man if he beats Rick and Steve into submission. It is only fair.

What happens if Rick says that Steve is Geoff?

If Rick says that Steve is Geoff, then Steve has to go away forever, never to be replaced, thus dissolving the team, unless Jenny rebuts by stating that Rick is the guy, in which case Steve can:

a. tell Jenny to keep her mouth shut about Rick, because Rick is the man, at which point Rick has the chance to revoke Steve’s Geoffness by stating, “I made a mistake. I’m sorry,” and thus re-cohere the team,

or

b. agree with Jenny that Rick is the guy and state that he (Steve) is in love with Jenny, effectively dissolving the team, then move forward to attack Rick for being the guy, and then:

i. get beaten into submission by Rick, and left there by both Rick and Jenny, who will have gone their separate ways,

or

ii. beat Rick into submission, thus exposing the lies upon which the team and all its many games were predicated.

My friend Joe Cojotejk and myself were on our way to Nancy and Tina Christamesta’s, to see if they could drive us to Sensei Mike’s housewarming barbecue in Glen Ellyn. Cojo’s cousin Niles was supposed to take us, but last minute he got in his head it was better to drink and use fireworks with his girlfriend. He called to back out while we were in the basement with the heavy bag. We’d just finished drawing targets on the canvas with marker. I wanted small red bull’s-eyes, but Joe thought it would be better to represent the targets like the things they stood for. He’d covered a shift for me at the lot that week, so I let him have his way — a triangle for a nose, a circle for an Adam’s apple, a space for the solar plexus, and for the sack a saggy-looking shape. The bag didn’t hang low enough to have realistic knees.

When my mom yelled down the stairs that Niles was on the phone, I was deep into roundhouse kicks — I wanted to land one on each target, consecutively, without pausing to look at them or breathe, and I was getting there; I was up to three out of four (I kept missing the circle) — so I told Cojo to take the call, and it was a mistake. Cojo won’t argue with his family. Everyone else, but not them. He gets guilty with them. When he came back down to the basement and told me Niles was ditching out, I bolted upstairs to call him myself, but all I got was his machine with the dumbass message: “You’ve reached Niles Cojotejk, NC-17. Do you love me? Are you a very sexy lady? Speak post-beep, baby.”