Adam Levin - Hot Pink

When Jenny tells you how the world has randomly brutalized her person, hesitate: do not immediately express your righteous indignation. Early expressions of righteous indignation will stifle Jenny, will end her stories early. Silence was forced on her person, and you must remain silent until she’s finished telling you about it.

If you are someone who has trouble keeping quiet, then, prior to your introduction of the friend to Jenny, you should stand before a mirror for an hour and repeat the following while looking deep into your eyes: “Experiential symmetry is a minor form of justice.” The repetition of these words will eventually silence you.

Once Jenny has finished telling her stories, the temptation for you to compete with the friend in a contest of righteous indignation will be powerful. Do not be ashamed. Compete. However, keep in mind that less is more. The low-decibel utterance of a single, well-chosen word — especially one preceded by a clicking sound from the mouth — will beat a fist-to-chest yelling routine nine times out of ten.

After you are done enjoying yourselves, make plans for another get-together at Jenny’s the following evening, then take the friend back to his house.

The following evening, at the designated time, pick the friend up from his house and bring him to Jenny’s again. When you get to her front step, make sure that you and the friend are standing next to each other and that you are equidistant from her door. Ring her doorbell. This is the moment of truth. When Jenny answers the door, who does she look at first? If it’s you, congratulations. You are Rick. If she looks at your friend first, sorry, but you’re Steve. It is Jenny’s nature to gravitate toward, and say hello first to, the more dominant of any two males to whom she has previously been introduced. To protest this is to undermine The Guy . Remember: whether you’re Rick or Steve, you’re the one who chose Jenny. So have a little faith in yourself. Have a little faith in your own judgment, in the choices you’ve made. You have picked the right girl and she has seen you for who you are.

If Steve

It is not easy being Steve, but you must not forget that Steve is important. And you are not necessarily going to be Steve for the rest of your life. The next Jenny might choose you over the next friend. Jennys and friends come and go. In that respect, The Guy is not very different from the world at large. Suck it up: be the best Steve you can be. And once you find Geoff, you might forget you’re Steve, anyway. So shake Rick’s hand and congratulate him for being Rick. Thank Jenny for being so perceptive. Tell her she has done a good job. Tell them better their Steve than someone else’s Rick. Be sincere. Believe what you tell them.

If Rick

You are more handsome than Steve. Life has been gentler with you. Your father thinks more highly of you than his thinks of him. Where Steve stammers, you enunciate. Where Steve bumbles, you glide like a Dutch speed-skater. You bound up the creaky stairways Steve falls down. Under the spell of your gaze, Jenny becomes a blushing, shrinking thing. Steve averts his eyes when she catches him staring. Yet Steve cares for you and you must remember not to lord your Rickness over him. He is not, after all, Geoff. And if you try to make Geoff of him, you risk everything, the old loneliness.

Cement the Image

Now it is time to stand in a bathroom and practice Tableau. Make sure to wear shoes for verisimilitude. Make sure the bathroom’s mirror is wide enough to hold the image of the three of you standing side by side. Make sure its lower border is low enough to capture Jenny from the waist up. Your best bet is to go to the home’s master bathroom.

If the home’s master bathroom does not have a mirror of proper proportions, then Steve will inform Rick of the problem. If Rick doesn’t know what to do next, Steve will suggest that the three of you go to his house or Rick’s house in search of the right mirror. It will be up to Rick to decide which house to try first. If neither Rick’s house nor Steve’s house has the right mirror, go to the nearest indoor shopping mall. Go to the men’s room in the food court. Most men will not protest Jenny’s being in the men’s room, but if a man protests, Rick will look at the man blankly, saying nothing, and Steve will take a half-step in the man’s direction. The protesting man will then retreat.

Stand side by side before the mirror — Jenny in the center, Rick to her right, Steve to her left. If Rick is the one who looks like Jenny’s brother, his arm should be around her shoulder. If Rick is not the one who looks like Jenny’s brother, he should hold Jenny’s hand.

Rick’s free hand, his right hand, should be raised three inches above his head. The raised hand’s index finger should point forward, in the direction of the mirror, the direction from which Geoff will come later on. Every three to five seconds, Rick should stab the air with his finger.

Steve’s hands will stay in the front pockets of his pants. Steve will watch his feet until the moment after Rick stabs the air, at which point Steve will look to the spot where Rick’s finger is pointed, then return his gaze to his feet.

All the while, Jenny will communicate cautious determination via the engagement of the activity-synthesis described earlier.

Practice Tableau until it conveys a sense of urgency, imminent justice, and the threat of violence. You will know you have acquired mastery when Steve feels important. Steve’s feeling of importance is indicated by facial flush and heavy breathing. When these indications manifest, Rick and Jenny will have a perfect opportunity to acknowledge the importance of Steve. They should do so. Acknowledging Steve’s importance will engender group cohesion. Rick should begin with, “How do you feel, Steve?”

To which Steve will reply, “I feel important.”

And Jenny will say, “You are important,” then glancingly touch the flat of her hand to Steve’s forearm, and add, “to me. You’re important to me.”

And Rick, a rare smile stretched across his face, both hands raised to invite a pair of high-fives that should culminate not in slapping sounds but quiet finger-laced graspings, will say, “Now let’s find Geoff! Let’s do this thing.”

Go where Rick says to go. Once you have gotten there, get in Tableau. Convey urgency, imminent justice, and the threat of violence.

Geoff

Who is Geoff? Whoever Rick says he is.

How is Geoff? Geoff is by himself.

Why is Geoff? Geoff is for Jenny who Geoff is because of.

Where is Geoff? He is moving toward the three of you, probably at the nearest indoor shopping mall, riding the escalators. But that is up to Rick.

Play

Now it is time to play The Guy :

It is time for Rick to choose a Geoff and indicate his choice of Geoff to Jenny, Steve, and Geoff by aiming his jabbing finger in the direction of Geoff and saying, loudly, “Is that the guy?”

From this point on, the three of you, whether by escalator or foot, will continue in Geoff’s direction, so long as he is facing you, and you will not deviate from Tableau.

Rick will repeat, “Is that the guy?”

And Jenny will say, “I don’t know.”

And Steve will look up at Geoff, then back at his feet.

As the team closes in on Geoff, Rick, making sure to jab his finger in time with the question, will say, “Is that the guy?”

And Jenny will say, “I can’t tell.”

And Steve will look up at Geoff, then back at his feet. And the team will continue to close in on Geoff.

Repeat these moves in sequence until Geoff either runs away or is standing within two feet of the three of you, at which point Rick will say to Geoff, “You’re the guy.”