Peter Nadas - A Book of Memories

In 1957 summer came on us suddenly. In the city quite a few houses still lay in ruins. Charging out of spring, this summer's hot explosion seemed to release energies of life the devastated city badly needed. When the school year had resumed, Mother and I had several hysterical fights, but in the end she won. She didn't let me go back to the military academy and enrolled me instead in a local high school in Zuglo. One afternoon, after walking a new school friend home on Gyertyán Street, I got on a streetcar. When I think of this afternoon — it must have been the end of May — I see great big chestnut trees with their erect, candle-like white flowers reaching to the sky.

As always, I was riding on the open platform. The sliding doors were left open, the warm air rushed unhindered through the almost empty car. Across the platform stood a young man. His clenched fists were casually sunk in his pocket, his legs spread wide for support. On the other side of the open door was a young blond woman in a light, almost see-through summer dress. Bare, very shapely legs; on her feet white sandals. Holding on to the straps, she had nothing on her except the tram ticket. This, or perhaps something else, made it seem as if she had no clothes on or that her dress made little difference. First I watched the woman watching the man, but as soon as she noticed my curious glance and raised her bright, impudent blue eyes at me, I switched to the man or, more precisely, avoided her brazen look by turning in the man's direction, while he followed the woman's glance to register this developing interlude between the two of us. He was slender, ordinary-looking, of average height. The most conspicuous thing about him was the dark smoothness of his face and skin. A smooth, shiny forehead and, between his fists thrust into his pockets and his shirtsleeves rolled to the elbow, somewhat paler but still very smooth arms. The kind of smoothness that had to be, I felt, more than skin-deep. Having followed the woman's glance, he had to look at me. But then, prompted by an indescribable bashfulness, I had to look away. I returned to the woman, for I wanted to see what her eyes had to say about all this.

She was large, fair-skinned, on the verge of plumpness, but still at a point where her well-fed body was in harmony with a deeper vitality; however much food she might stuff into her pleasure-seeking body was sure to be worked off or burned up by other kinds of activity of the same body. Her firm, well-proportioned limbs did not simply fill out her dress but fairly burst out of it. The warm currents of air mussed up her hair and kept lifting her dress. We could see the strong, remarkably white insides of her knees. She'd sway now and then, springing up and down on her feet, relishing our eyes feasting on her. She couldn't have been more than twenty, but she was ripe, solid, everlasting, like a model poured into a heavy statue. By which all I mean to say is that she was at once available and unreachable.

After our glances met for the third time, she grinned into my face, showing her somewhat uneven teeth, and I, involuntarily accepting the grin, passed it on to the man. But I quickly realized I had first received a smoother, more discreet version of that grin from the young man. Now he took my grin and slipped it back to her. And then, simultaneously, we turned away, taking each other's grin with us.

Outside, the broad avenue, trees, and buildings were running after us. And then, again together, we turned back. It would be almost impossible to say where we trained our eyes. The grin we couldn't wipe off by turning away was now growing stronger, and it seemed as if something terribly important was lying on the greasy floor of the streetcar and our eyes had to find it. We were staring not at each other but at a point equidistant from all three of us, sending our grins to the geometric center of the imaginary triangle we formed. And somehow we had to stay together even when we threw back our heads to accommodate the laughter that burst out of us. But the laughter was not equally distributed among us. The woman giggled, tittered, let out little squeals and tiny bubbles of laughter, popping them and sucking them in again. The man was almost silent as he laughed, chuckling at short intervals, as if trying to form words. This stammering, almost talking laughter made me notice on his otherwise smooth face a deep, bitter crease around the mouth that wouldn't let the laugh fully erupt, even though he was shaking harder than the woman or me. Of course I could hear my own runaway horselaugh, too. With it I revealed all my innocence, but I didn't mind. The streetcar was crawling along, though to me it felt as though it was tearing up the tracks. Maybe the only time you feel free is when you don't bother about consequences, when you trust the moment and let yourself go.

The laughter was unstoppable, it terrified itself, its own brazenness made it falter; and we didn't just spur one another on with liberating little jabs; it seemed that we all had our own reserves of laughter, and their variety created such an enjoyable common sound that it would have been senseless to stifle it. Yes, let it come; no one has anything to be ashamed of. And it came, it grew, it hurt, it made us cry. This felt good, because all the while my sheepishness made me tremble; I felt my arms and legs shaking visibly. The streetcar was approaching the intersection of Thököly Road and György Dözsa Road, it slowed down. The young man thrust himself away from me, though he seemed to shove himself out of his laughter. He slipped his fist out of his pocket and raised a warning finger. A single finger held way above his head. We watched that single finger in the air, and in a flash all laughter stopped. The woman let go of the strap and just stood there with her ticket, her impudence gone from her blue eyes. Then slowly she stepped out onto the platform. It was perfectly clear what was happening, and I was trembling too hard to do anything about it. The young man bounced off the still-moving streetcar and looked back not at the woman stumbling after him but at me, taking in with one last sweeping glance my schoolbag, which I placed in front of me to cover my embarrassing state of arousal. There was still time to back out of the situation. For a moment we froze. A pair of huge liquid brown eyes in that smooth face. There was nothing to think over.

We probably needed that tiny delay. It made the mad race that followed that much more frantic. Our mouths were good only for catching our breath, but our feet could giggle and clatter away on the pavement. Dashing across streets and roads, weaving through crowds without bumping into anyone while your feet, your arms, your eyes became alert sensors, jumping on and off sidewalks. Feinting and dodging smoothly, the man was galloping ahead and sending us a message with his every move. Whatever he had been unable to tear from himself with laughter he was now pouring into his running. With his shoulders squeezing and thrusting, his neck craning, and his back straight, he not only controlled the situation but played it out for us. It looked as if at any moment he would cross the finish line; having pulled away from his rivals, he was already in the straightaway, unchallenged. That's how he kept playing with us. He'd change direction with lightning speed and careen into a side street. Somewhat confused, we'd follow, but just then, without curbing his leaps, he'd disappear into an open door. The woman had a funny way of running; she wasn't clumsy, yet she seemed heavy and sluggish as she filled the trail cut for her by the man. Not until the next day did I check the name of the street.

It was cool in there. Dark. Smell of cats. We crashed against the flaking plaster. Watching one another's eyes and body. I could still beat a retreat, but I seemed to have run the trembling out of my limbs, and a quiet but sober voice told me to stay. If not now and not like this, it would happen some other time, some other way, so why not get it over with? We were panting. We were looking at one another as if we were at the end, and not at the beginning, of our story. Everything was calm. There was nothing to be afraid of. The woman sneezed into this panting silence. Which would have been cause for renewed laughter, but the man raised a finger to his lips and, as if to continue this warning gesture, started up the stairs.