Ahmet Tanpinar - The Time Regulation Institute

“A meeting, now, is it? A meeting about what, then?”

Then she saw me.

“You miserable good-for-nothing! You slovenly bag of bones! As if what you’d done before was not enough, you let them claim in the papers that I am a relative of yours? Hah!”

I dodged the first blow of her umbrella, which crashed down instead on Lazybones Asaf’s shoulder. The second smashed the enormous crystal top of Halit Ayarcı’s desk, breaking the umbrella, too.

“You shameless, impertinent trickster! So your strumpet of a wife says she forgives me, eh?”

“Please, Auntie…” And before I could say “for the love of God,” the lower end of the umbrella landed directly on my nose.

I felt warm liquid run down over my upper lip. Inspecting it with my fingers, I saw it was blood.

“Serves him right! Oh, just you wait and see. Oh, that’s nothing…”

And just as she was about to descend upon me, she stopped — shaken, perhaps, by the sight of blood, or maybe because she had used up all her strength. She was trembling and seemed on the verge of collapse.

Halit Ayarcı slowly rose to his feet. Quietly he stepped around the table, as if receiving a newly arrived guest, and, placing his hand on my aunt’s shoulder, he gestured for her to sit down in the seat next to his. He placed her purse and papers on the table whose glass top had been shattered into a million pieces.

“May I assume I at last have the honor of meeting Zarife Hanım?”

My aunt was deathly pale. But her anger had not yet abated. With spittle spraying from her lips, she barked, “That’s right. Zarife Hanım, aunt to this good-for-nothing!”

Maintaining his cool and genial air, Halit Ayarcı said, “And I am Halit Ayarcı! The director of this institute.”

This was enough to send my aunt back into a rage.

“Aha! So all these tricksters have a ringleader, eh? And tell me, then, what exactly does this institute do?”

And looking me straight in the eye she added, “Not that it surprises me to see a slovenly creature like my nephew involved in such nonsense!”

Halit Ayarcı turned to me, and my aunt continued:

“Like father like son. The man did nothing but scrounge after this and that. But what more could you expect from a man addicted to gambling? And now he rides horses and plays tennis! Oh please, he can’t even tell a horse from a donkey! And then you go and allow them to print my name in the papers! Since when has this oh-so-forgiving man been married?”

She turned to Halit Ayarcı.

“But you, sir, you seem like a decent human being. How did you get mixed up with a lowlife like him?”

Still exuding graciousness, Halit Ayarcı replied: “You are speaking out against an official organization! What a shame! We are working to the best of our abilities to provide a public service.”

“Service? And just what kind of service is that? You’re going to regulate clocks, now, are you? You think I’ll believe that? I am Zarife the Veil Shredder, not one to be so easily deceived by such words!”

Suddenly she stopped to look about the room.

“Why should I care about your work anyway? There was a time when I too busied myself with such projects. But I’ve put all that behind me. I came to see the man whose wife says she’s forgiven me. Look at the wretch — he doesn’t even wipe the blood off his nose! And then all these high-and-mighty words…”

I slowly pulled out my handkerchief and wiped the blood off my face. Had she not blocked my exit, I’d have exited the room at once.

Halit Ayarcı rang the bell. Dervis Efendi looked entirely changed when he stepped into the room. His forehead was swollen and his collar was torn. He made an extra-long loop around the room, staying as far away from my aunt as possible.

“What will you be drinking, then, madam? Coffee, tea?”

“Coffee,” she ejaculated. “I’m a connoisseur, so make it good. Doctors have been telling me to stop drinking it for the last twenty years, but I don’t listen. But if this dolt is making it then forget it!”

“Dervis Efendi makes wonderful coffee. I’m sure you’ll be pleased! We’ll have coffee too, Dervis Efendi.”

But before Dervis Efendi left the room, he added:

“But first someone bring me a bucket or something of the sort so I can clean up all this glass! What a shame if someone were to come in now.”

And he kicked a piece of broken umbrella under his desk.

“After all, this is an official establishment, madam!”

My aunt seemed rather put out.

“I wouldn’t have come, but I couldn’t find him at home! It seems they’ve moved and nobody could give me the new address. So I had no choice but to come here.”

Flashing his sweetest smile, Halit Bey comforted her:

“No harm done, madam, not at all… Such things happen in families. In fact we would have come to you if you hadn’t come here yourself!”

“To me? But whatever for?”

“Well, of course!” he answered. “We were just talking about it now. Here, allow me to explain: we need to establish a group that can support the efforts of the Time Regulation Institute, so as to acquaint the public with its ideas, a group that can in fact oversee the publication of our material. And this is why we decided some time ago that we should establish the Clock Lover’s Society. Today we were discussing its founding delegation. This is why we were having a meeting. My friends and I feel that there must be more female members than men. And, in particular, its president must be a woman, an esteemed individual… We’ve been thinking this over since morning, and we just couldn’t come up with an individual worthy of the post. And then finally Hayri Bey says to us, ‘I’ve got it! My aunt would be the ideal person for the job. Above all, she is respectability incarnate. The woman could lead an entire army. She is experienced, and she is well loved by all who know her. What a shame that she’s so cross with me. I couldn’t offer such a post to her. She’d drive me away if I even tried speaking to her!’ Upon hearing about you, we’d unanimously decided to offer you the post. And at just that moment, you honored us with your presence! Please take my seat if you would accept the presidency!”

For a moment my aunt stared at Halit Ayarcı, then at the empty chair beside her. She looked both perplexed but tempted, like a young girl who’d been asked to dance for the first time.

“I just don’t know if I could I do such a thing. And at this age…”

Halit Ayarcı smiled.

“How could you not? We’ve already seen you in action!”

Eyeing me sternly, my aunt said, “Oh that was nothing. Wait till I get my hands on your wife!”

Halit Ayarcı let out an easy laugh. “Oh no, Pakize Hanım isn’t to blame here. Of that I’m quite sure. You’ll love her the moment you see her. She’s not that kind of woman. Those details were the embellishments of the journalist. Apparently there were a few misunderstandings. Surely you noticed that most of the photographs were not even of Hayri Bey!”

Indeed most of the photographs in the paper were not of me. The one of me riding a horse had clearly been taken somewhere in the English countryside. Never in my life had I seen the place that was meant to be my library. And my collection of watches and clocks exceeded my wildest dreams.

There was a moment of silence. Then Halit Ayarcı rose to his feet and said to my aunt, “If you would accept our offer, please take your seat and we’ll start the proceedings!”

Without a word, my aunt stood up and strode to the head of the table. Halit Bey sat down in the chair beside her.

“If you would be so kind, Dr. Ramiz, to take minutes for the meeting.”

Dr. Ramiz sat down at the table and flipped open a legal pad. Ever the woman, my aunt launched into her complaints: