H. Adler - The Wall

“Perhaps your wish can be fulfilled, but it’s not possible without a coffin. In any case, you have to get up, because they want to take you with them.”

“I’m not dead. Just send them all away!”

“You know your job. Duty is duty. At eleven you are supposed to be cremated.”

“I don’t want to. I am not at all dead. It must be a mistake.”

“It’s no mistake. Here it is in black-and-white. Arthur Landau, the corpse, is to be picked up and brought to the crematorium. The cremation is arranged for eleven, the mourners are planning to show up on time, the flowers and wreaths are ready.”

“That’s nonsense, Johanna! I don’t want any flames swallowing me up!”

“Save me your useless concerns and hurry up! I already have my mourning dress. It’s lovely!”

“I don’t want to be dead! Can’t you hear? Chase away the men! No one burns anyone who is alive!”

“How can you be so stupid, such a clever man! Everyone will be burned when his hour has come. I’ll weep for you. The children will honor your name and never forget.”

“It all seems to me so stupid! I won’t go!”

“So do you want them to yell at you and beat you until you lie in your coffin?”

Then I became sad, much sadder than I had ever been in the darkness of my life, and I hastily stood up, turned around, and beheld the order that Johanna held clearly before my face. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Yet, as I read, my doubts were bitterly disappointed, because there it was, clearly written, that the pallbearers were supposed to pick me up in a black oaken coffin and seal me inside it in order to get me to the cremation punctually at eleven. I blinked at Johanna, who stood there calmly and offered me such an unforced and fresh smile that I doubted whether for her own sake she thought of me as valiant or whether she felt hardly concerned at all. Out on the street, it was darker yet. The men who stood quietly outside appeared to be in a hurry, but I took my stand before the door, determined to fight off any threat with my own bare fists if necessary. The order was indeed clear, which then recommended the greatest caution. To my great joy, Johanna was not in any mourning dress, although she had pretended earlier that she was. Instead, she had chosen her severe gray traveling outfit that she only rarely wore in order to protect it.

All of a sudden, I discovered that the children were also running around the room, but they had kept so still that I wasn’t surprised that I had overlooked them until now. I pointed at Michael, who absentmindedly turned the wheel of a wooden car, and then at Eva, who crouched in a corner and shyly clung to the little arm of her stuffed doll, sawdust running out of its wounded hand. Johanna sensed that the presence of the children was somewhat painful for me, and, indeed, made it clear that I didn’t have to worry about it, for she had already explained to them that today their father was to be taken away. Children absorb such things so easily, for they hardly know what it means, Eva having no clue, and Michael thinking it was a great honor that was being awarded to me. I was only happy that the real truth was lost on them. All well and good, I grumbled angrily, and accused Johanna of being callous in her handling of the children. She found my rebuke strange, and said that I shouldn’t be so high-strung; the less fuss I made, the better it would be for the children. The longer it took, the harder it was to hide my disappearance from them, which is why it was better to let them in on it right away. This would also give me the chance to sweetly and tenderly say goodbye forever. I didn’t think at all about that, but nonetheless it helped to play with the children. I drew close to them and snapped my fingers playfully. Johanna didn’t interfere and seemed satisfied that I would bring the situation to a reasonable end. When at last she began to doubt whether I was at all intending to say goodbye but, rather, was just stalling for time, she grabbed me by the hand and looked at me disapprovingly.

“You are insufferable. If you keep stalling, I can’t stop the men from coming in and making short work of you. What would all the philistines from this neighborhood think? How embarrassing, don’t let that into your head! You’re making things completely impossible for your widow, for the neighbors will cut me off and talk nasty behind my back. Nor will anyone play with the children! The landlord will give us notice, and that I will have to find another apartment is all the same to you. That’s the way people are these days! But if you don’t make a fuss and just lie down in the box, hats will bow to you and people will feel bad for the children. Then everything will be fine, and no one will know who you were.”

“Do you not want me around anymore?”

“But, Arthur, who do you think I am? Don’t you know me better than that? It’s not that way at all. Feelings are better left out of it. There’s no time for them.”

I no longer recognized the Johanna I once knew, she had changed that much. All the care with which she had coddled me was gone. Everything was now only for Johanna, and I was forsaken! But then I tried a risky approach.

“Little Eva, my dear Michael, pay attention! Do you want your father to stay? Your dear good papa?”

Michael didn’t let go of his car, the little one crouched down with her doll, yet I was satisfied, because both children looked up.

“It’s true, then, you love your papa?”

The children looked at me curiously, making no sound and not moving an inch. I wanted to draw closer and gather them in my arms, but Johanna stepped in between to protect them.

“Do the children not recognize me?”

“No. They think you’re dead.”

That was too much for me. I turned away from Johanna and the children and walked outside, where the men who had set down the coffin lazily grabbed hold of it and with heavy boots stomped on the hard cobblestones with one foot after another.

“Can we finally have the body?” the one in command asked in a level tone.

“No, you can’t! There is no dead man to have, or at least I’m the dead man.”

The man who had asked — there was no doubt, he was the one in charge — scratched himself with his long fingernails, making an awful sound.

“We don’t want anyone living. Only the dead! Where is he?”

“You’d better look elsewhere for your dead man! There’s none here!”

The other man became uncertain and poked his companion in the side.

“Then we better get going, Brian.”

“Don’t butt in, Derek, and shut your mouth! The house number is right. Bring out the dead!”

“Try and find him!” I said tauntingly, and opened the front door.

On the street stood a handsome large hearse, the driver sitting bent over the steering wheel and seemingly asleep. He was not at all worried about anything and certainly wasn’t in a hurry to haul away a dead man. That set me at ease, and calmly I turned toward the house, where the men were not satisfied with my arrival, and fervently dealt with Johanna. Perhaps she had abandoned the room for her own reason; maybe the men had locked her out. Without abandoning their toys, the children had crept out after her, yet they were shooed back into the room with hand gestures and shouted commands.

“Let the children be — they shouldn’t have to lose their father!”

“Good that you’re back, Arthur! What are you doing gallivanting out on the street? You’re only causing me great embarrassment. The men are waiting for you and want to take you away.”

Brian got angry.

“We don’t want this guy at all. We want the dead man, or I’m calling the crematorium.”

“That is the dead man!” Johanna yelled, wringing her hands despairingly. “You have him right under your noses!”