H. Adler - The Wall

Anna lifted herself up higher and shoved the pillow behind her back.

“How can you ask me that? And what do you want me to answer?”

“I know it’s unreasonable. It was too much. I don’t want to impose — no, that’s not what I want. Understand, it creeps up on me. I imagine everything in the extreme — that which once was, that which is lost. Until a certain, but unknown, moment, when it’s still all there: anyone you wish, your Hermann, your brother Arno. Two years or more he sat on the same bench as me in class. Everything there. Also Franziska, my wife. Then gone.”

“You loved her very much, very much.”

“I still love her. But she is more gone, much more than my parents. I miss my parents and keep looking around for them, expecting always some sign. And I can confess to you that this dauntless pursuit is what brought me to you.”

“Your parents?”

“Let’s not talk about them now. Maybe later. But I don’t miss Franziska. I can hardly remember her. She is nowhere, nothing. She also has no hold over me, but I love her. That’s all.”

“And what do you know about your Franziska today?”

“Nothing, nothing at all! I can, and should, try to find out about her.”

“Is she dead for sure?”

“Is Hermann?”

“I don’t know. The notice was clear. Of the entire platoon, not a single one was still alive. A direct hit to their bunker, everything gone up in flames.”

“The same for me. But no notice. Just everything in flames.”

“Even a woman?”

“Everyone!”

I stood exhausted in the room, where it was cool, the window hanging open. A view out. Nothing built across from it. The space was open; nearby I could see the slow-moving dark-brown river. Anna said nothing. I didn’t look at her, and yet I could feel that in this short span of time she had grown distant. Perhaps she blinked shyly and also had a couple of tears in her eyes. My hands ran along the bare round edge of the table, everything feeling very far off. As a child, I had always enjoyed running my hands around the entire circumference, but now I only rubbed a short stretch to left and right, then I brought my fingers back to the starting point.

“You could catch cold if you stand in the night air. You should lie down, Herr …”

“Landau.”

“Landau?”

“Landau, yes. Haberdashery HAL, Reitergasse 8.”

“Clothing?”

“Not me. My father. Hermann’s clothes. I don’t have any more of my own.”

“So Peter was right after all.”

“Why Peter?”

“He thought so and said so to me.”

“You knew him, my father?”

“Yes. I always shopped there. My father did as well. And I know you as well. Now I know. I simply couldn’t remember. Back then you played with Arno in the park and, if I’m not mistaken, here in our apartment as well. Everything is so changed.”

“Nothing has changed. Especially me. Nor you … still the same round face, also the hair, only back then it was neatly parted. But I, on the other hand—”

“Don’t worry at all! Sure, it’s upsetting when you aren’t recognized, and the time, so much has passed! But don’t let it cause you any pain.”

“It doesn’t hurt but, rather, amazes. I don’t even think that I can stand it.”

“What’s that? Are you feeling ill? You’ve grown quite pale. I’ll make some coffee, and you can lie down.”

“No, then we won’t be able to sleep. Please, stay! Don’t get up! It will only cause trouble, and I really don’t want anything. Perhaps it would be okay if I just lie down.”

“But of course!”

“Should I turn out the light as well? We could still talk in the dark.”

“The switch is there by the door. I’ll turn the small light out here once you’re in bed.”

“Or a little later! We can still talk. The small light feels so good. It’s much better than the dark of death.”

“As you wish.”

I had taken off the dressing gown and not looked around at Anna as I rushed to my bed. The sheets felt cool and fresh against my body as I nestled into them. The blanket rustled as I pulled it up almost to my neck and lolled about until I felt comfortable. I squinted, for I didn’t want to see Anna, but that was a pointless worry. If I lay quiet on my pillow and didn’t raise my head, the table blocked my view.

“What a wonderful bed!” I called out. “I can sleep here as good as at home. Did you know my father well? Perhaps also my mother?”

“No, Landau, unfortunately I didn’t. Your mother I barely knew by sight, your father just in passing. A dear man, he always had a joke at the ready.”

“When did you see him last?”

“Just before they closed his shop. He had an idea it was coming, probably knew already. He was very sad. I tried to comfort him. He had no confidence and said, ‘It’s all over. After slaving away for so many years.’ I agreed with him. ‘Everyone must see that,’ I said. He replied, ‘Nothing is seen, we’re simply unwanted. Our assets are what they want, and our death.’ ‘Doomsayer,’ I teased, and laughed. But he just smiled sadly back: ‘You don’t understand, my dear Frau Meisenbach. But it’s better if you don’t. I also don’t understand it, and there’s no one who can help me. Here, please take these three shirts. One can’t find such goods anymore.’ Meanwhile, I didn’t want to take the shirts, for I had no money, and I was ashamed to run up a bill. ‘No, you don’t have to pay,’ he said. ‘Money is no longer worth anything.’ Then he handed the shirts to me and went into the back — I believe at that time he had, at the most, one employee — and brought out three much nicer shirts, the kind Hermann had never owned before, showed them to me, let me touch the heavy silk, as if all of it were up to me, and then wrapped them up. ‘Don’t get caught,’ he warned in a whisper, and bent toward me over the counter. ‘Otherwise, you’ll have a helluva lot of trouble, and I’ll be up to my neck in it.’ I was shocked and didn’t want to take the packet at all, but he got really mad and scolded me like a schoolgirl, asking if I was a silly goose or a scaredy-cat, and so I had to do as he asked. Then he stepped quickly around the counter, as if I was used to him doing that, because he, as you know, was always so deliberate, even if he never moved slowly. He shook my hand, tears in his eyes, as he saw me out. I would have loved to stay in order to say something nice, nor had I even properly thanked him. He, however, pushed me firmly out the door, turned around at once, and disappeared inside his shop. I wanted to call after him, but my voice faltered, and then it felt better to get out of there, quickly across the street, the packet pressed close to me as if I were a thief, and quickly, quickly home. As I walked through the Reitergasse with Hermann a few days later — he had not yet been called up — wanting to pass on my thanks with him, it was too late. The shop was closed, the shelves empty. I never saw your father or your mother again. I should have gone to their apartment, but then there was trouble with Arno, and we already had the police in our apartment. Some months later, I heard a rumor that your parents had been taken away. That’s what must have happened. Everyone was powerless. All we had was scandal and shame. I looked for those shirts for you today, for they’ve hardly been worn.”

“You didn’t accompany my father?”

“How’s that? I mean, what are you saying?”

“Nothing at all. Accompanied is all I mean.”

“Where to? Good Lord! What was I supposed to do?”

“Save him!”

“How so?”

“I don’t know. I was just thinking. One could see them off, even if they couldn’t be saved. Perhaps at the train station. To wave with a white handkerchief, or with a blue one signifying hope. As soon as the train starts moving. Until it no longer can be seen.”