H. Adler - The Wall

Eusemia was stillborn from the start, and for months I had devoted my working hours and free days and often nights, until I was exhausted by the effort to get the venture off the ground. I didn’t receive a single penny for my efforts, and even had to contribute a substantial part of my own expenses to it. When Eberhard S. said one day with careless flippancy, and as a spur to me, that it had finally gone too far, and that I should be publicly acknowledged as the general editor, since sales of a large print run were assured, the next issue, thank God, never made it beyond proofs, because the business was mired in debt. Eberhard S. had not paid the printer for the previous issue, and the printer refused to print the new one without receiving cash payment for it. Nor did any other printer want to take on the job, which brought this senseless venture to an end, myself all the poorer for the sake of such hopes and with any number of essays and book reviews to burn for fuel. Eberhard S. couldn’t pay anyone for their articles, and I had to write more than anyone else, while he continued building castles in the air, though very few of the articles were any good — nothing but wordy, pompous gibberish against whose publication I fought, or which I had to revise for content and style. In order to fill the issue, we made use of reprints when they were given to us free.

After the collapse of Eusemia , I felt completely lost for the first time and had to keep quiet about my disaster in order not to harm my reputation. I said nothing to anyone in regard to veiled allusions about the mockery of this venture. I told So-and-So a bit more, but as soon as he heard the name Eberhard S. he grew furious. I should have nothing to do with this no-good liar, who was not a credible person, and who years ago had plans for a journal called Eusemia , and in the process had pulled the wool over the eyes of many people, including Oswald Birch. So-and-So had given him, in order to support what seemed a worthwhile undertaking, an article to use. To this day, he had never received a response. Supposedly it was meant to serve intellectually starved men over there, who, presumably, lapped up vast amounts of indoctrination, to give them some scholarly and cultural-political content so that they had something to read, so that after having made so many fateful errors they could find their way again. Because of such shady dealings that good man was ruined, nor could he ever again show himself in respectable company.

I was hardly inclined to believe everything So-and-So said, and thus ignored all his warnings, for I only took them as a sign of his jealousy. I made it look as if I was convinced of the truth of his words, said nothing more about the journal, and drifted off into my misery. The concern that Johanna raised was minimal, and when she saw how I blossomed with enthusiasm for this work she hoped, despite her fears, that it would all come to good. Therefore Johanna went easy on me, and I held her responsible for this after everything went wrong. I was unappeasable and bitter, but she spoke to me sweetly and helped me get through this deep disappointment. That, in the process of this misfortune, I had forfeited any outward chance at security she could not indeed deny, but with her help we were finally able to move on nonetheless.

Then the fourth, most desolate phase of my life in the metropolis began. Prior to this, my health had grown so bad because of the exhausting work I did for Eusemia; I became so weak that I would fall asleep at my desk, while at night I could hardly sleep at all. I was much in need of rest and recuperation and agreed with Johanna when she said it could not go on like this any longer. Then Betty came for a visit and was shocked at my condition. She wanted to take me straight back with her to South Wales, but since I couldn’t bear the thought of being separated from Johanna, Betty invited both of us. After Johanna made all the necessary arrangements in order to be able to continue with the work she had taken in while we were away, we left for two months. By the time we returned I was feeling much better, yet I was still so weak that I would get exhausted after working for just a brief while. I have never produced so little work as I did in those days. I grew more and more discouraged, and ever more cranky, getting angry without the slightest reason and burdening Johanna, whom I, weak and powerless, would remind, with the tormenting passion of my misery at the most inappropriate moment, of what I had said to her about my faults and failings before we were married. Horribly and to my own detriment, I portrayed my worthlessness in such a repellent manner that I succeeded in shaking her equilibrium. It was certainly bad enough that I could provide her with no means of support, but now I had to rob her of her own self-confidence, myself the one who would have been to blame if she had lost faith in me. Yet she didn’t lose faith, but only became uncertain, and so it was understandable that Konirsch-Lenz would have gained a bit of influence over her if he had come at her with all his guns blazing.

But now I was done with this benefactor, we having split in anger, but I was free and felt better as a result. I could hope once again. My unease had still not dissipated, but once again I felt satisfied. There was nothing more that held me and reined me in, and that allowed me to breathe easier. Indeed, I had no idea what tomorrow would bring, and yet my worries eased, it seeming to me that things could not get any worse but only better. Someone carrying a heavy bag drew away from the telephone booth across from me and hurried off with long, quick strides. I then stepped in and called home, which was not my custom. No doubt Johanna would be surprised to hear the phone ring. I had hardly said hello to her, speaking to her as cheerfully as my phone manners allowed, but actually quite cheerfully, since all my sadness had suddenly lost its grip on me, when Johanna beat me to the punch before I could explain anything.

“You had a falling out with Konirsch-Lenz. That’s why you’re calling me, right?”

Greatly relieved, I said it was so and was amazed that she knew it already.

“I thought so this morning, right after you left the house. You were acting so strange that all I could expect was either complete success, though I doubted that, or a complete disaster. It was all clear to me already; there’s no need to explain. Don’t worry about it, sweetheart! Everything will be all right.”

Johanna’s voice sounded confident and happy, such that my last worries left me.

“Then I want to come straight home if it’s okay with you. I was worried that you would be upset. Now I’m happy.”

“Come home, come home! There’s also a letter here. A small contract for a book review, and the book is there as well.”

“That’s great.”

“You see. Already things are better. We don’t need any Konirsch-Lenz, nor anyone else. He actually called an hour ago. His anger seethed from every word he said. Still, he kept sputtering his apologies, saying you are the first person he’s never been able to help get on the right track. He likes you so much, but it’s hopeless with you, because you’re stubborn, beating your head against the wall, he said, and I laughed. Then he wished me well, but that I should understand, there was nothing he could do, he was throwing in the towel. I shouldn’t be angry with him. He had meant well.”

“And what did you say?”

“Nothing at all. Or there was something. I said to him that it didn’t matter, I wasn’t angry at him, and only wanted to thank him.”

“No! You told him that!”

“Yes, that’s what I said.”

“You shouldn’t have.”

“Oh, it’s all right! There’s no coming to terms with such people. You thank them politely and then move on.”