H. Adler - The Wall

The lecture on Self-Help kept rambling on until finally even Herr Konirsch-Lenz was exhausted. His anger had waned, he had mellowed, and so he tugged at the apron of a waiter hurrying past and ordered gin and tonics for us both. When the drinks were brought, I had to toast to my future with him. He then began to tell me about his younger days, about old socialist ideals, and the Lenz School in Mecklenburg. He became maudlin. Almost two hours had elapsed since we had gotten together, but I still had other things I wanted to get done that morning. I became impatient, for there seemed no end in sight. Ever more impatiently I shifted in my seat, such that it could not have gone unnoticed. Then the wallpaper maker asked me what was wrong. When I explained that I had promised Johanna to run an errand for her in the city, I was complimented, though at the same time Kolex was again angry, as if I had only taken up his time with my hopeless case. Indeed, if any of it was still to lead to anything he would be pleased, but as far as he could see, despite his efforts I wasn’t any smarter. Then I pulled myself together and almost arrogantly responded that his misgivings were all too true. There was no turning me into a good apple.

Herr Konirsch-Lenz looked at me so severely that I expected him to erupt into anger once again. Only a consideration of where we were held him back. I wanted to quickly say goodbye, or not say goodbye, really, but just leave quickly without saying a word, but I missed my chance to do so and had to wait until he settled the bill. Outside I wanted, for Johanna’s sake, to maintain my good manners and politely thank him for everything and then disappear into the bustling streets, but once again Konirsch-Lenz beat me to the punch. With feigned gentleness he asked me to walk him to his car, which sat in a side street. I was indeed on my guard, but since he spoke to me in such a friendly way, as he had done when we first met, I didn’t want to deny his wishes and so followed along.

“I can drive you wherever you are going. Look, Dr. Landau, I perhaps got you all wrong and came on a bit too strong. You mustn’t be upset with me, for I meant well. That’s just the way I am, but you are also no hero. No one in the world understands you better than I do, not even your charming wife. Only a man can fully grasp you. I was once an idealist, even a great one, and I still have some of that in me. If I’m such a shit, how is it that I warmed to you so and took up your cause? Look, be reasonable for once! Walk straight to the next telephone booth and call up Scher or go right to Self-Help.”

“Why?”

We had reached the car. Konirsch-Lenz opened the door.

“Why?” he shouted. “Why? Have you gone mad?”

“I don’t believe so.”

“Then you are a bum, a snotnosed kid! Then you are not worthy of having survived! Then you should have croaked like a brute animal instead of arriving like a vagabond in this country in order to live off others who have tirelessly tried to build a life for themselves here again, while you marry such a pitiful thing, bring a child into the world, then another and then let your family starve in the end!”

“How dare you!”

“Just get out of here, you … you …”

Konirsch-Lenz lifted his hand to curse me, but he could no longer find the words to do so. I also said nothing, but fended him off and spit on the ground. Then I turned around, without looking back, and walked swiftly away. Behind me I could hear him cursing continually, then at last he was in his car, myself hearing as well how he slammed the door, but I didn’t pay attention to the direction in which he drove off. I was indeed extremely upset, and yet relieved. I whistled with satisfaction as I rushed through the humming streets without a plan. I was overcome by a spiteful happiness, for now I was free of all asked-for or unasked-for recommendations, and for the first time since my arrival in the metropolis I was alone and together with Johanna. With one stroke, everything else had become unimportant, all that had occurred during the course of almost four years, the revilements and debasements no longer stinging, me answerable to no one else but Johanna and myself. Since my quarrel with Jolan Haarburger until my fight with Konirsch-Lenz, I had dealt with so many people whom I had either sought out or who had reached out to me. All of them had nagged me about my fortunes and recommended that I pull myself up by my bootstraps. Woe to the powerless man who wishes to stand his ground.…

Everything was different now. For Johanna, it was deeply disappointing that even her old bosses in the Office for Refugees and other influential people whose friendship she thought she had made through her job had denied her the least bit of help and often didn’t wish to speak to her. However, she still had a number of confidants who could not exert any influence in support of my situation or my work but who nonetheless were willing to help Johanna in any way they could. Thus we were able to survive, Johanna saving wherever she could and never missing an opportunity to do some small bit of work. What unfolded was a way of life that I never had a full grasp of. I never asked Johanna, not even later, how she managed it all behind the scenes, nor about the few people she was connected to, nor did I even know all of them. All of it amounted to a realm that Johanna controlled entirely. Even if I saw a pleasant magic performed all around me, I was never particularly struck by it; almost everything happened behind my back, and that was all I knew.

Above all, there was Betty, Johanna’s second cousin, who used to be a teacher of geography and history but had been retrained, as the saying went, as a confectioner after her emigration from Vienna. She now had a little shop in South Wales where she sold chocolate wafers and other sweets, and did quite well for herself. Betty is a warm presence, always eager to help out and care for others, and is for us and the children a constant source of support. Every year we have a wonderful time visiting her in her little house, where she spoils us, Michael and Eva being her darlings whom she won over as much with her tireless patience with their games and jokes as through her sweet tidbits. Almost every month she sends us two little packages, containing not only tasty things meant for the children but also little clothes and shoes for the two of them and many other practical things for the two of us. Betty would never let Johanna pay for any of it, nor did she ever hold it against me when I ignored some of the well-intentioned advice she gave. That meant a lot to me, for relatives, especially, believe they have a right to expect that you will follow their advice or at least try to. If you don’t carry it out or you don’t even try to, usually you are met with the hatred of the one wishing to help, or, at a minimum, resentment, and are thus abandoned. Betty never let herself stoop to such a reaction. Thinking of her as I walked along the street, whistling, I didn’t believe that she would even resent the piteous collapse of my relationship with Konirsch-Lenz. She was too fair-minded to do that, and she loved people as people deserved to be loved. She didn’t seek the fulfillment of her hopes and efforts for the sake of herself but thought of her fellow men. Certainly it must have been hard for her when, once again, something fell through for me that she had set in motion, but I was never afraid that she would turn away from Johanna or me. Many years ago, Betty had been interested in teaching children and youths at risk, and had visited the Lenz School while on a study trip. There she met Konirsch-Lenz, whose work she admired. Later, she learned by chance that he was in this country, which made her think of me, so she got hold of his address and wrote to him. This was how I was recommended to him, and now I had to think of what to say to Betty about it, or if it wouldn’t do to let Johanna handle it.