David Peace - Red or Dead

But I’ve never been dropped before. I’ve never been left out of the team before. This has never happened to me before. And then to hear it like I did. In the bloody lobby, from a fucking stranger. I thought I deserved something better than that. After all we’ve been through, how long we’ve known each other. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? Don’t I mean anything to you? After all these years? After all these games? Doesn’t it mean anything?

Bill shook his head. And Bill said, Those games were for Liverpool Football Club. Those games you played, those things you did. They were all for the club. Not for me …

Ian St John fought back tears. Ian St John struggled to breathe. Ian St John swallowed –

I know they were for Liverpool Football Club. But they were also for you. Because you believed in me. That is why I came here. Because of you. Because of your belief in me. That is why I did the things I did. For Liverpool Football Club. Because of you. Yes, I did all those things for Liverpool Football Club. But every one of those things was also for you. To thank you. For your belief in me. And for your faith in me. Those things were all for you. All for you, Boss.

Bill opened his mouth. Bill closed his mouth. Bill looked up at the clock on the wall. Bill looked down at the watch on his arm. And then Bill stood up. And Bill said, It’s almost time for training, son. We’re going to be late. Come on, son. Let’s go …

Ian St John did not move –

Saturdays have always been the best days of my life, whispered Ian St John. But last Saturday was the worst day of my life. And these have been the happiest days of my life. Here at Liverpool, here with you. But those days are gone now, aren’t they? They are finished now.

Bill looked up at the clock on the wall again. Bill looked down at the watch on his arm again. Bill shook his head. And Bill said, No son. No. Not yet. But it comes to us all, son. And so you have to be prepared. You have to be ready, son. Because you have to decide how you will deal with it. Will it be with grace and with dignity? Or will it be with anger and with bitterness? But only you can decide that –

Only you can know that, son.

…

On the bench, the bench at the Baseball Ground. Bill was not smiling. Bill was worried. Last season, Derby County had been first in the Second Division. And Derby County had been promoted. This season, Derby County were third in the First Division. And everybody was talking about Derby County. Everybody talking about their manager. Bill had admired Brian Clough as a player. Bill had tried to buy Brian Clough as a player. And Bill admired Brian Clough as a manager. Bill admired the things he had achieved with Derby County. The players he had bought, the way they played the game. And on the bench, the bench at the Baseball Ground. Bill knew this would not be an easy game for Liverpool Football Club. But Bill knew there were no easy games for Liverpool Football Club. And Bill was right –

In the thirteenth minute, Hinton came flying down the right. Past Thompson. Past St John. Past Graham. Past Hunt. Past Callaghan. Past Hughes. And Hinton passed to McGovern. And McGovern shot. Past Yeats. Past Smith. Past Strong. Past Lawler. And past Lawrence. Forty-five seconds later, O’Hare sidestepped Yeats. O’Hare flicked the ball to Hector. And Hector scored. But the supporters of Liverpool Football Club inside the Baseball Ground sang, No surrender! No surrender! No surrender! But Mackay passed to McFarland. And McFarland passed to Carlin. And Carlin passed to Durban. And Durban passed to McGovern. And McGovern passed to Hector. And Hector passed to Hinton. Again and again and again. And in the second half, McGovern passed to Durban. And Durban passed to Hinton. And Hinton crossed for Hector. And Hector dived and Hector scored. And in the sixty-eighth minute, Hector sidestepped Strong again. And Hector passed to Durban. And Durban passed to O’Hare. And O’Hare back-heeled the ball into the net. But the linesman had raised his flag. And the referee disallowed the goal. But one minute later, Durban passed to Hector. Hector rolled the ball to O’Hare. And O’Hare scored. And Derby County beat Liverpool Football Club four — nil. It was Liverpool Football Club’s worst defeat in six years. And it could have been worse, it should have been worse. It could have been eight — nil, it should have been eight — nil –

On the touchline, the touchline at the Baseball Ground. Bill shook the hand of Brian Clough. And Bill said, Well played. Very well played indeed, son. On this form, you could beat anyone. On this form, you could win the League …

Brian Clough smiled. And Brian Clough thanked Bill. And then Brian Clough started talking. Talking and talking. But Bill was not listening. Bill had heard enough. Bill had seen enough.

…

In the corridor. The Anfield corridor. Bill opened the dressing-room door. The home dressing-room door. Bill looked around the dressing room. The Liverpool dressing room. From player to player. From Lawrence to Lawler, Lawler to Strong, Strong to Smith, Smith to Yeats, Yeats to Hughes, Hughes to Callaghan, Callaghan to Hunt, Hunt to Graham, Graham to St John and from St John to Thompson. And Bill said, Last week we were outplayed and we were outclassed by Derby County. Last week we were humiliated by Derby County. We have been written off in the press. We’ve been told we are past it. We’ve been told we are yesterday’s men. Old horses fit only for the knacker’s yard. Fit only for the glue factory. People have said we need to make changes. People have said we need new players. Fresh legs and young blood. But I believe every man should have the chance to answer his critics. I believe every man deserves that chance. And so I have not listened to what those people say, to what the critics say. Because I will not believe what those people say, what those critics say. Until you have had the chance to prove them wrong, to make them eat their words. Until I have seen with my own eyes whether or not you can answer your critics. Until I have seen with my own eyes whether or not you can prove them wrong. In front of your own people, in front of the supporters of Liverpool Football Club …

Bill walked out of the dressing room. The home dressing room. Bill walked down the corridor. The Anfield corridor. Bill walked down the steps. The Anfield steps. Bill walked down the touchline. The Anfield touchline. Bill sat down in the dug-out. The home dug-out. And Bill watched Liverpool Football Club play Wolverhampton Wanderers. At home, at Anfield. Bill watched Tommy Lawrence try and try. Bill watched Chris Lawler try and try. Bill watched Geoff Strong try and try. Bill watched Tommy Smith try and try. Bill watched Ron Yeats try and try. Bill watched Emlyn Hughes try and try. Bill watched Ian Callaghan try and try. Bill watched Roger Hunt try and try. Bill watched Bobby Graham try and try. Bill watched Ian St John try and try. Bill watched Peter Thompson try and try. For ninety minutes. Bill watched them try and try.

In the dressing room, the home dressing room. Bill looked around the dressing room. The Liverpool dressing room. From player to player. From Lawrence to Lawler, Lawler to Strong, Strong to Smith, Smith to Yeats, Yeats to Hughes, Hughes to Callaghan, Callaghan to Hunt, Hunt to Graham, Graham to St John and from St John to Thompson. And Bill said, Well played, boys. Well played. I know how hard you all tried, boys. I could see how hard you all tried. And we didn’t deserve to draw, boys. We deserved to win today. And if they gave goals for effort. If they gave points for graft. Then we would have won. And we would always win. So well played, boys. Well played. And thank you, boys.

Thank you.

…

In his seat, in the stands at the Estádio do Bonfim, in Setúbal, in Portugal, Bill watched Vitória Futebol Clube of Setúbal play Futebol Clube do Porto. And Bill did not like what he saw. Vitória Futebol Clube of Setúbal beat Futebol Clube do Porto five — nil. Three days later, on the bench at the Estádio do Bonfim, Bill watched Liverpool Football Club play Vitória Futebol Clube of Setúbal in the first leg of the Second Round of the Inter-Cities Fairs Cup. And again, Bill did not like what he saw. In the fortieth minute, on a greasy surface, Cardoso shot. The ball hit the crossbar. The ball rebounded to Tomé. And Tomé scored. And in the seventy-ninth minute, on a greasy surface, Liverpool Football Club won their first corner of the game. But that was all they won. On Wednesday 12 November, 1969, on a greasy surface, Liverpool Football Club lost one — nil to Vitória Futebol Clube of Setúbal in the first leg of the Second Round of the Inter-Cities Fairs Cup. Away from home,