David Peace - Red or Dead

The cheating bastard. The dirty bastard. But you know they’re going to throw the book at you now, son? They’re going to suspend you, like they did to Denis Law?

I know, Boss. I know. And I’m sorry, Boss. I’m sorry …

Too late for sorry now, son. Too late. You get yourself into Anfield first thing tomorrow, son. You meet me there. First thing.

First thing. Ian St John knocked on the door of the treatment room at Anfield. Ian St John opened the door of the treatment room. Ian St John walked into the treatment room. And Ian St John saw Bill Shankly and Bob Paisley waiting in the treatment room –

Take off your trousers, said Bill Shankly. And take off your underpants. And then lie down there on that table, son.

Ian St John took off his shoes. Ian St John loosened his belt. Ian St John unzipped his trousers. Ian St John took off his trousers. Ian St John took off his underpants. And then Ian St John laid down on the table in the treatment room at Anfield.

Bill Shankly and Bob Paisley walked over to the table. Bill Shankly and Bob Paisley stared down at the testicles of Ian St John. And Bill Shankly shook his head –

There’s not a bruise on you, son. Not a single scratch.

But he grabbed them, Boss. He twisted them, Boss. Twisted and bloody squeezed them, Boss. It fucking hurt, Boss.

I believe you, said Bill Shankly. I believe you, son. That man is depraved. That man is perverted, son. The football field is no place for a man like that. A depraved man and a perverted man. And I’m going to make sure everybody knows. The whole world knows, son. Knows what a depraved and perverted man he is. I will not rest …

And Bill Shankly turned to Bob Paisley –

Get to work, Bob. Do your worst.

Bob Paisley opened up his medicine bag. Bob Paisley took out a piece of cloth. Bob Paisley took out a bottle of iodine. Bob Paisley took out a tin of boot polish. Bob Paisley opened the bottle. Bob Paisley dabbed the piece of cloth with iodine. Bob Paisley smeared the iodine across the genitals of Ian St John. And Ian St John giggled. Bob Paisley opened the tin. Bob Paisley dabbed the piece of cloth with boot polish. Bob Paisley smeared the boot polish over the genitals of Ian St John. And Ian St John laughed. And Ian St John said, I hope this is giving you as much pleasure as it’s giving me, Bob.

Shut your dirty mouth, said Bill Shankly. I’ll have no depraved talk here, son. I’ll have no perverted talk at Anfield.

Bob Paisley put down his cloth. And Bob Paisley and Bill Shankly stared down at the testicles of Ian St John. The black and purple testicles of Ian St John. And Bill Shankly smiled –

Good job, Bob. Great work, Bob.

Thank you very much, Bill.

Bill Shankly nodded. Bill Shankly turned to Ian St John –

Stay there, son. And don’t you move a muscle. I’ll be back in a minute, son. Back in just a minute …

And Ian St John stayed where he was. On the treatment table. Naked from the waist down. His testicles black and purple.

There were voices in the corridor, there were footsteps in the corridor. Lots of voices and lots of footsteps. And then the door to the treatment room opened. And Bill Shankly led in the reporters and the photographers. Bill Shankly ushered the reporters and the photographers into the treatment room. Bill Shankly gathered the reporters and the photographers around the treatment table. Around the black and purple testicles of Ian St John –

Look at them, said Bill Shankly. Just look at them, boys. It’s a disgrace. An outrage! So I want to the world to know the truth. And I want the world to see the truth. I want pictures, boys. On all the front pages. All your front pages, boys!

The reporters and the photographers stared down at the testicles of Ian St John. The black and purple testicles of Ian St John. And the reporters and the photographers shook their heads. And the reporters and the photographers said, We can’t take pictures of that, Bill. We can’t print pictures of that. It’s disgusting, Bill. It’s horrible …

Well, take some pictures anyway, said Bill Shankly. Because I want copies. And I want them quick, boys. I need them for tomorrow.

The next day. Bill Shankly and Ian St John sat down in the corridor at Lancaster Gate, London, at the headquarters of the Football Association. Bill Shankly was in his best suit and red tie. Ian St John was in his best suit and red tie.

Come!

Bill Shankly and Ian St John stood up. Bill Shankly and Ian St John adjusted their red ties. Bill Shankly and Ian St John opened the door. Bill Shankly and Ian St John stepped inside the room.

Sit down, Shankly. Sit down, St John.

Bill Shankly helped Ian St John limp down to two chairs at the end of a long table. Bill Shankly and Ian St John sat down in the two chairs at the end of the long table. Ian St John grimaced. Ian St John stifled a scream. And Bill Shankly and Ian St John looked up the long table at the members of the Disciplinary Panel.

The head of the Disciplinary Panel shook his head. The head of the Disciplinary Panel said, This is the third time you have come before us, St John. This is the third time you have sat in that chair, St John. The third time for violent conduct, St John. The third time and the last time, St John. We made an example of Denis Law. We set a precedent with Law. We suspended him for six weeks. And so you are suspended for six weeks, St John.

Bill Shankly touched his red tie. Bill Shankly nodded. And Bill Shankly nodded again –

The example you made of Denis Law was the correct one, sir. The precedent you set was the right one to set. And the press are right to label that man a thug and an animal. But this man here is no animal, this man here is no thug. What happened to Ian St John is very different, sir. It is beyond the pale. And it has no place on the football field, sir. No place in our beautiful game. No place at all, sir …

What are you talking about, Shankly? Your player violently attacked another player. Your player is the same as Law.

Bill Shankly shook his head. Bill Shankly picked up his briefcase. Bill Shankly opened his briefcase. Bill Shankly took out three photographs from his briefcase. And Bill Shankly passed the photographs up the long table to the Disciplinary Panel –

I hope you have strong stomachs, gentlemen. Because what you will see in these photographs will surely turn your stomachs. This is the documentary proof, the forensic evidence of the barbarous and outrageous attack that was inflicted upon this man here. An attack on his very manhood. An assault on his unborn children. The heinous and scandalous assault that provoked him into an act of self-defence. Sheer self-defence. And while he knows now, in the cold light of day, he should not have reacted as he did. While he knows now, with the benefit of hindsight, that two wrongs do not make a right. And while he now readily apologises for his act of self-defence. While he now is utterly contrite. Still I would beseech you, gentlemen. Still I would implore you. Not to tar this man with the same brush as the likes of Denis Law. Not to equate an act of self-defence with such acts of mindless thuggery. And to let this man walk free today. Free of any suspension. Free to play his football …

The members of the Football Association Disciplinary Panel looked down at the three photographs of the testicles of Ian St John. The black and purple testicles of Ian St John. The members of the Football Association Disciplinary Panel shifted in their seats. The members of the Football Association Disciplinary Panel turned pale. Their hands to their mouths, their mouths behind their hands. The members of the Football Association Disciplinary Panel whispered among themselves. And then the head of the Disciplinary Panel looked down the long table at Bill Shankly and Ian St John. And the head of the Disciplinary Panel said, The obligatory three-match suspension for violent conduct on the field of football still stands. However, in this case, in the face of this evidence, there will be no further suspension. No six-week suspension.