David Peace - Red or Dead

still coughing. On the bench, the bench at Upton Park. Bill watched the new Liverpool Football Club play West Ham United in the Third Round of the Football League Cup. And there was drive and there was leadership. But again there was no spark. And again there was no fire. Again Kevin Keegan had not travelled. Again Kevin Keegan was injured. And the new Liverpool Football Club lost two — one to West Ham United in the Third Round of the Football League Cup. Away from home, away from Anfield. Without the spark and without the fire. Bill was not smiling. But Bill was coughing again. Again and again. Bill could not stop

coughing. In the house, in their bedroom. Bill was coughing and Bill was sweating. In the house, in their kitchen. Bill took a nip of Scotch. But Bill was still coughing, Bill was still sweating. Coughing and coughing, sweating and sweating. And in the house, in their hall. Ness put her hand on Bill’s forehead –

You’re burning up, love. You’re on fire. You should go back to bed. Or at least see the doctor …

Bill shook his head. Bill smiled. And Bill said, I’ll be fine, love. I’ll be fine. It’s only a wee cough and a cold, love.

And Bill picked up his hat. Bill put on his hat. Bill coughed. And Bill said, I’ll see you tonight, love …

And Bill went out of the front door. Bill coughing. Bill went down the drive. Bill sweating. Bill got into the car. Coughing, sweating. Bill drove to work. Coughing and sweating. Bill pulled into the car park at Anfield. Bill coughing. Bill parked the car. Bill sweating. Bill got out of the car. Coughing, sweating. Bill walked across the car park. Coughing and sweating. Bill went into the stadium. Bill coughing. Bill went down the corridor. Bill sweating. Bill went up the stairs. Coughing, sweating. Bill went into his office. Coughing and sweating. Bill took off his hat. Bill coughing. Bill hung up his hat. Bill sweating. Bill walked around the bags of mail. Coughing, sweating. The mountain of bags and bags of mail. Coughing and sweating. Bill sat down at his desk. Bill coughing. Bill reached into the first bag of mail on top of the mountain of bags and bags of mail. Bill sweating. Bill took out a letter. Coughing, sweating. Bill opened the letter. Coughing and sweating. Bill read the letter. Twice. Bill coughing. And then a third time. Bill seeing double. Bill sweating. Bill put down the letter. Coughing, sweating. Bill opened the top drawer of his desk. Coughing and sweating. Bill took out a piece of paper. Bill coughing. Bill closed the top drawer of his desk. Bill sweating. Bill threaded the piece of paper into his typewriter. Coughing, sweating. Bill turned the platen knob. Coughing and sweating. And Bill began to type. Bill coughing. To type and to type. Bill sweating. Coughing, sweating. Coughing and sweating. Bill stopped typing. But Bill could not stop coughing. Bill looked at his watch. Bill could not stop sweating. Bill got up from his desk. Coughing, sweating. Bill picked up his bag from the floor. Coughing and sweating. Bill walked around the bags of mail. Bill coughing. The mountain of bags and bags of mail. Bill sweating. Bill went out of his office. Coughing, sweating. Bill walked down the corridor. Coughing and sweating. Bill saw someone walking down the corridor towards him. Maybe two people. Three people –

Are you all right, asked John Reid. You look terrible, Bill. What’s wrong with you, man? Come with me …

On the bench. Bill coughing. In the treatment room. Bill sweating. Bill felt the stethoscope cold on his chest. Coughing, sweating. Bill felt the thermometer cold in his mouth –

You’ve got the flu, said John Reid. Very, very bad flu, Bill. And possibly also tonsillitis. And so you need to go back home, man. Back to your bed. And you need to go now, Bill …

On the bench. Coughing and sweating. In the treatment room. Bill coughed again. Bill shook his head. Sweating, Bill said, But I’ve got training, doc. And I’m late enough as it is …

Don’t talk daft, said John Reid. You can’t train, Bill. Not like this, in this condition. You’ll bloody kill yourself, man.

On the bench. Coughing, sweating. In the treatment room. Coughing and sweating. Bill shook his head again. And Bill said, I’ve never missed a day’s training in my life, doc. Not one. Never in my life. What will the players say, doc? What will the players think? If I go back home. Back to my bed. What will the players think …

If you go down to the changing rooms like this, said John Reid. If you get on the bus like this, Bill. Then you’ll infect the whole bloody team, man. The whole team will get what you’ve got.

Still coughing and still sweating. Bill still shaking his head. Bill said, And then there’s the game. I’ve only ever missed one match. I wasn’t even ill. I went to watch Cologne. And we drew one — one with Stockport County in the Cup. Stockport bloody County …

Bill, Bill, said John Reid. If you go near the team, then we’ll have no bloody team. And it’ll be because of you, Bill. Because you refused to go home. All because of you. So go home –

And go home now, man!

…

In the house, in their bedroom. Coughing, sweating. In the bed, on his back. Still coughing and still sweating. Bill was listening to the radio. Bill was listening to the commentary from Bramall Lane, Sheffield. And in the bed, on his back. Bill heard Kevin Keegan score. But Sheffield United scored, too. And the new Liverpool Football Club drew one-all with Sheffield United. Away from home, away from Anfield. Coughing, sweating. Bill heard the football scores on the radio. And on his back, in his head. Bill worked out the standings in the table. Coughing and sweating. Bill knew Manchester United were first in the First Division. And Derby County were second. Manchester City third. Leeds United fourth. Sheffield United fifth. Arsenal Football Club sixth. And on his back, in his head. Bill knew Liverpool Football Club were seventh in the First Division. And Bill got up. Coughing, sweating. Bill got dressed. Coughing and sweating, sweating and coughing –

Bill went back to work. On the bench, the bench at the Sechzger Stadion in Munich. Against the advice of his doctor. Coughing, sweating. Against the orders of his doctor. Coughing and sweating. On the bench, the bench at the Sechzger Stadion. Bill watched the new Liverpool Football Club play Fußball-Club Bayern München in the second leg of the Second Round of the European Cup Winners’ Cup. And in the twenty-fourth minute, coughing and sweating, Bill watched Müller score for Fußball-Club Bayern München. And three minutes later, still coughing and still sweating, Bill watched Müller score again for Fußball-Club Bayern München. And in the thirty-seventh minute, coughing and sweating, Bill watched Alun Evans score for the new Liverpool Football Club. But it didn’t matter, it didn’t count. In the seventy-fifth minute, still coughing and still sweating, still sweating and still coughing. Bill watched Höneß score a third goal for Fußball-Club Bayern München. And the new Liverpool Football Club had lost three — one to Fußball-Club Bayern München in the second leg of the Second Round of the European Cup Winners’ Cup. Away from home, away from Anfield. The new Liverpool Football Club were out of the European Cup Winners’ Cup. Coughing, sweating. Out of Europe,

again. Sweating and coughing.

…

Before the house, on their doorstep. In the night, still coughing. Bill unlocked the front door of the house. In the night, still sweating. Bill opened the door. In the night, still coughing. Bill stepped into the house. In the dark, still sweating. Bill closed the door. In the dark, still coughing. Bill put down his suitcase in the hallway. In the dark, still sweating. Bill walked down the hallway to the kitchen. In the dark, coughing. Bill went into the kitchen. In the dark, sweating. Bill sat down at the table. In the dark, coughing. His coat stuck to his jacket. His jacket stuck to his shirt. His shirt stuck to his vest. His vest stuck to his skin. In the dark, sweating. Bill put his head down on the table. In the dark. Coughing, sweating. Bill closed his eyes. In the dark. Coughing and sweating. Bill knew it was always easier to give up. To throw in the towel. And surrender. To the chains, to the knives, to the spades. To take your comfort in past glories, to dine out on past victories. To abandon the present to other men, to leave the future to younger men. And to let the grass grow, and to let the wind blow. As you took your comfort, as you ate your dinner. Suffocating under your blankets, choking on your dinner. In the wasteland and in the wilderness. Choking and suffocating. Your limbs bound, your throat cut, your body buried. Choking on your own blood, suffocating in your own grave. As the grass grew and the wind blew. In the wasteland, in the wilderness. In the kitchen, at the table. In the dark. Coughing, sweating. Coughing and sweating. Bill knew you could never give up. Never throw in the towel. And never surrender. To the chains, to the knives, to the spades. To the grass and to the wind. And in the kitchen, at the table. In the dark. Bill opened his eyes. In the night. Bill stood up. Bill got to his feet. Bill knew you could never give up –