Goliarda Sapienza - The Art of Joy

I woke up only when my bowels, which had become a hard knot in the prior twenty-four hours, began turning into countless burning tentacles. My tongue — at first I didn’t know I had a tongue — was so swollen and parched that the nursing sister had difficulty getting me to swallow a teaspoonful of a warm, fragrant liquid.

‘Poor child! How she’s suffering! Look at the state she’s in! Three days without eating or drinking! And still she’s spitting out this little bit of broth!’

I wasn’t the one spitting it out; on the contrary, I liked it. It was my tongue, which no longer obeyed me. Had I perhaps taken too many of those pills? I’ll explain: in order to be able to sleep for so long, every night and every morning during those three days I had swallowed some of those capsules that make you sleep. The doctor had introduced me to them a long time ago. Veronal, they were called, and every night he would give me one to quiet me. At that time, despite my fear, I had never swallowed them; instead I had hidden them away for a time when I might perhaps need them. And it was a good thing, because they spared me a final meeting with Mother Leonora, and, from what I now learned, her funeral as well. The pills had proved useful, but I was so afraid of having taken too many — the doctor had told me that they could be toxic — that I couldn’t help asking, ‘Am I dying?’

‘No, daughter, no, don’t say that word again. You’ve done nothing but repeat that word these past three days. No, the doctor examined you. There’s nothing wrong with you. Just grief and malnutrition, that’s what he said, and that all we could do was hope you might regain the will to live. I see that this will has returned, since you are afraid of dying. Eat, child, and pray. Wanting to die is a terrible sin. Mother Leonora would be saddened. Think of her, and take heart. What a pity you didn’t see her! Her body was all shattered, but her face was untouched, beautiful and serene. The face of a saint.’

If a doctor — I wonder who this new doctor was? — had said there was nothing wrong with me, I had nothing to worry about, so I gulped down that good broth that flowed into my stomach like liquid sunshine.

‘Good girl, Modesta, brava ! That’s the way to make Mother Leonora happy, not by wanting to die, as you’ve done these past days! That’s how Mother Leonora wanted to see you. Eat, eat. Don’t disappoint her now that she’s dead, just as you would not have disappointed her when she was alive.’

So as not to disappoint Mother Leonora, I ate so much that in a few days I was back on my feet and able to listen to Sister Costanza’s cackling voice without much fear of the suitcase — it was an obsession with her — that she laid on my bed when she came in.

‘Gather your things, Modesta. You may take with you your precious rosary, the picture of Saint Agatha and the books that Mother Leonora in her immense generosity gave you, your personal undergarments and the bands. Don’t forget the bands: continue binding your chest even after you are exposed to all the worldly dangers where you are going.’

I didn’t dare ask for an explanation, or take my eyes off the suitcase where already some small bedbugs evoked by Sister Costanza’s words began to dot the tan-coloured leather with black.

‘I am not permitted to utter worldly names and places; we no longer belong to that world. But you must not worry, because Mother Leonora has thought of you. In her magnanimity she wanted you to be the one to choose whether to join the ranks of the Lord or remain out in the world. And so that you might make this choice freely, in full awareness, she also decided that you should first come to learn about the world. That is all. They will come for you in the afternoon … I see your bewilderment, my daughter. Like you, I disagree with this, because the Lord sent you here when you were nothing but a defiled, terrified little creature and your place is here with us. But that is what her will states and that is what must be done. Go in peace. My heart is untroubled: I know that we shall meet again.’

I was bewildered by the unfamiliar quality that shone through every word Sister Costanza spoke and by the gentleness her voice now held. I decided to look at her, and I nearly fainted for real. She was almost beautiful. It was as if something had straightened her up, and her lips were smiling as her eyes wandered vaguely around the room. She was dreaming about Mother Leonora’s chapel stall; it was the rigid back of that oak seat that had straightened her. I almost regretted being the one who had brought about that happiness of hers. But there was no time for regret. I had to pack quickly.

Troubled by that unfamiliar presence, I began gathering my things … ‘ Don’t forget the bands, continue binding your chest … dangers … where you are going…’ That where you are going made my hands shaky and I kept dropping things. I couldn’t find anything. The binding strips slipped out of my fingers and rolled into the corners, between the feet of the bed, and I had to start all over again. The suitcase was too small; it wouldn’t close. Sweating, I finally managed to close it by kneeling heavily on the lid. And whether it was the exertion or Sister Costanza’s radiant face that made me really angry, I sat on the suitcase and started to cry, appealing to Mother Leonora to at least tell me where she was sending me. Did she mean to take revenge?

She had undoubtedly chosen some horrible place where I would necessarily find my vocation. Sister Costanza had been very certain when she said: ‘I know that we shall meet again.’ With my fists clenched to my temples, which were bursting from that I know that we shall meet again , I didn’t hear the door open.

‘What’s the matter? Are you crying, princess? You loved her so much, did you? Well, I did too. I don’t cry, because it’s not something men do, but inside, well…! She was a great lady! But come now, come along. It’s best for you to go. Dark times are ahead for this convent. Just now, a sealed letter from Palermo arrived. Sister Costanza is replacing Mother Leonora! Dark times! Come, get up, let me take your suitcase. I’ll carry it for you. Sister Costanza sent me to you because they mustn’t watch you leave … What’s wrong? Are you trembling? Don’t be upset! Weep for her, of course, because it’s fitting that the dead be remembered with tears; she loved you like a daughter. But now come, come with me. You’ll see that even though she’s dead, she hasn’t abandoned you.’

I clung to Mimmo’s arm — before I would never have been able to do that. I no longer felt like one of them. What could they do to me now, even if they were watching me from the half-closed shutters of all those windows in the courtyard? — I gripped his arm tightly, when my eyes fell upon something so grand it made my legs shakier than my earlier fear had: a carriage without horses. Or were the horses under that long tube that gleamed in the sun? Surely the horses must be in there, looking out from those big glass eyes framed in gold.

‘It’s not a carriage, princess, it’s a modern-day deviltry that runs as if there were ten horses pulling it … I’m old-fashioned and I don’t care for all these new contraptions. I’m wary of them. I saw one down in the village, and it seemed like a freak of nature to me, a giant cockroach. What do I know! But I swear to God, this one takes your breath away, it’s so beautiful. It looks like a cathedral!’

Assisted by Mimmo and a tall gentleman — surely an officer — wearing a dark uniform and a shirt so white that the sisters’ wimples seemed grey by comparison, I climbed into that cathedral, though I did not let go of Mimmo’s hand.