Goliarda Sapienza - The Art of Joy

‘I heard you — don’t wear me out! Talking about it makes it worse. I have a blade where my stomach should be! But it’s time for soup … “ è ll’ora che…” ’

‘“ … che volge il disio al…” , it’s the hour that turns longings to…’ 102

‘Never mind Dante! Belli, our own poet! “ Che or’è? ccheor’è? È una cosa che tt’accora. Nu le sentite, sposa, le campane? Lo sapete che or’è, ssora siggnora? È ll’ora che le donne sò pputtane…” What time is it?… It’s the hour when every woman is a whore…’

‘I’m not familiar with him.’

‘Where have you been living? I’ll tell you about the great blasphemous poet. They , the Jesuits, that is, say he repented before he died, but it’s not true; they say that about everybody. I was there when my grandmother died and she wasn’t at all repentant. She was just angry at having to die too soon, that’s what she said. And she was eighty years old! Well, after not even a month, all the relatives said — they should be beaten for it, that’s what! — they all said that she had repented … It’s just that with these schools … the crucifix … if only they’d kill him!’

‘Who? Christ?’

‘No, I meant that traitor Mussolini, and to think he even wrote a book against the papacy … It was he who made peace with the Jesuits and delivered our Rome back to the priests. Damn him! But what was I saying? Oh, yes … What can you expect from Ottavia and Grazia, my younger sisters, educated in these schools, with the crucifix in front of them, religion lessons, and then at home too … before, when I was little, if you grew up in a house of atheists, all you had to do was stay away from church and you wouldn’t have to listen to the priest’s voice: walls protected you then! Now they come into your house and talk to you even if you don’t want them to.’

‘What do you mean, they come in?’

‘Come on, Mody, through the radio! A diabolical invention, the radio. Suppose my fijetta and I are there cooking, straightening up the house, and we don’t mind listening to, let’s say, “ Illusione dolce chimera sei tu. Che fa sognare, sperare e amare tutta la vita… ”. 103A nice song, huh? Well, you’re humming along unsuspectingly with the radio, you relax, when suddenly you hear a mournful chanting so associated with the song that offhand you pay no attention. And by the time you realize it’s the Holy Mass, even if you run and turn off that infernal contraption, you’ve already swallowed some of it. Well, at a certain point didn’t Ottavia and Grazia, who grew up with this poison, start saying — yes, them too! — that my grandmother had repented? Repented! Did I already tell you this? Sorry, I’m repeating myself. It’s hunger. I talk and talk, partly because I haven’t spoken to anyone in three years and partly to fill this emptiness in my stomach. Sorry.’

‘No, Nina, keep talking. I like it. My mother never spoke!’

‘Why not?’

‘Maybe because she had to sit there sewing those filthy rags. She sealed up her lips.’

‘What, are you joking? Your mother sewing rags? Maybe you meant that she was obsessed with embroidery?… Ah, here comes our Sister Giuliana! Soup, huh, Sister? How wrong you are … Slop! It may be because I’ve had a nice chat with a friend, but you don’t look as bad to me as you did yesterday, Sister. And the smell of this soup isn’t so repulsive. What happened, did you get a new cook in this house? Oh, Mody, did you hear what she calls this prison? House, she calls it.’

‘Shut up, you ill-bred creature, and take your hands off her! Oh, Princess, it’s a disgrace! — I’ve reported it to the Mother Superior — a disgrace to keep you here with this woman, but we’re all full. All the rooms are filled!’

‘While you’re at it, why don’t you say “the hotel has no vacancy”, eh, Sister? You know I dreamed about you, Sister? I dreamed we met in Hell, in a naked embrace!’

‘If only you had come just three days earlier, Princess! But the world seems to have gone crazy! It must be because of this war, which one day is coming, and the next day isn’t! We were told that yesterday a rumour had spread that war had broken out and everyone fled Palermo; they all went to the countryside, but then they came back … It seems they’re also distributing gas masks … But if this creature bothers you, all you have to do is say the word and, regardless of that lady’s protection, I’ll see to it that she’s removed! You’re too good. Tell me the truth: does she bother you?’

‘Don’t be silly, Sister Giuliana! For us women raised in obedience and humility it makes little difference whether or not we’re alone. And then too, we must understand and forgive ignorance. We are all God’s sheep! And I sense that even Nina, deep down, isn’t as bad as she seems. I will help her, and my stay here may perhaps be a sign of the Lord. Maybe I was called to lead this lost sheep back to the right path! In fact, I would beseech the Mother Superior to please grant me the consolation of caring for this soul. It will serve as atonement for my sins.’

‘Sins, Princess? You? Defamation, I’m certain of it. I was just speaking about it with the Mother Superior.’

‘We are all sinners! Tell the Mother Superior that I feel I must remain with this lost soul until she finds her way.’

‘A saint! I tell you, you’re a saint! I’ll go and tell her right away…’

‘A saint, my eye! You nearly had me convinced, Mody! I was about to lose my temper. Here she comes again. What is she, a train?’

‘Oh, Princess, the Mother Superior says that you are too good, much too good! She also says not to concern yourself because the teacher offered to share her cell — oh, forgive me — her room with Nina. What’s more, she says … but no, no, don’t be upset!’

‘What? You want to deny me the consolation of atoning for my sins by seeing to…’

‘What sins!’

‘Sins, Sister Giuliana! Or do you feel you are without sin? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! And if God sent me here, it’s a sign that I failed at something. It cannot be otherwise, because the Lord sees everything.’

‘Oh, Holy Virgin! How well the Mother Superior understands you, even if she’s never seen you! It’s always that way among higher souls; she talks just like you do. With those very same words she said to me: “Go and try to persuade her. But she’ll refuse, you’ll see.” Excuse me now. I’ll go and ask for her confirmation; that way we’ll put an end to it, because I have a lot of work to do! We have to finish putting up the blue paper for the blackouts and … then there’s such a crowd, it’s like the end of the world. This is the end of the world, not just a war!’

The slamming of the door makes me open my eyes: when Argentovivo leaves my room she slams the door. No, she wasn’t the one who slammed the doors; she’s the maid. Gaia shouts and slams doors, and now that she’s decided to send Beatrice away to boarding school, it won’t be easy to make her change her mind …

‘It’s all settled. Oh, what a day! God forgive me, I can’t take it anymore, all the blessed day up and down the stairs! Nina can remain here … What are you doing, Princess? No, no, please, get up!’

On the ground, on my knees, hands over my eyes so I won’t see the struggle in Nina’s face, flushed from the effort to keep her mouth shut and not laugh. It’s she who makes me want to laugh. And it must also be my empty stomach tickling me with airy fingertips … It can’t be joy; I never heard that you could find so much joy in prison.

‘Princess, please, get up. I’m not worthy!’

‘God sees us, Sister Giuliana. None of us are worthy, yet all of us are worthy. Give my thanks to the Mother Superior and leave me to pray to the Lord who has granted me this grace.’