Adam Thirlwell - Lurid & Cute

— You think this is love, but it isn’t, she said.

— So what is this?

— This is just sex.

— Oh really?

— Always you are thinking about just one thing, she said.

I am sure she meant this kindly but I felt just ever so gently belittled, and I did not like this feeling at all. If my mother thought I was not my own man, I very much wanted to prove her wrong. I wanted to be announcing my decisions to her, whereas instead there she was maintaining that this decision was not my own: as if I was the most imitative mimic in human history.

— You know we just want you to be happy, said my mother. — We love you so very much.

I understood the sadness in her voice, and her unwillingness to blame. I knew the sadness very well, since obviously if you give up everything and then have nothing you can show to other people, then there’s no need for a commercial with screech trumpets and maracas to tell you that something might be wrong. But how could I explain my last resistance? These are delicate feelings, and while my parents always admired me for my daydreaming, still, I don’t think daydreaming is given the attention that it’s due.

— You remember Nelson?

— Nelson, sure –

— He has his own office.

— Oh because that’s important.

— I don’t mean that. Look how kind Nelson is, said my mother.

I understood her basic point. She appreciated Nelson’s care for his wife. In some dark way I wanted to be like Nelson too. But I would say that Nelson had it easy in comparison to me. I mean, sure, I go in terror of being called bad. Like Nelson and all the others of my class, I go in terror of the adjective selfish . To avoid this adjective I will stifle many desires, or at least stifle them in public. But why should the single thing you most are scared of necessarily be the moral code to live by? It’s not so obvious, after all. It was the code of the cloud in which I lived, absolutely, but what if this cloud was not the natural habitat — the way a fish might feel about its pitiless aquarium?

because it leads to utopian experiences

And what happened next perhaps only acquired its true significance because of this very bright tempest in which I moved, when everything was as sprightly as the emoji I adored. At some party or other gathering, there Dolores was again. No longer did she have Benicio with her, her boyfriend or putto. And as I saw her, it felt like a rearrangement had just occurred, for often perhaps when something with giant meaning occurs it has its mini prefigurations — like someone trying to locate the correct code for the safe-deposit box. Or at least, what I mean is: if you think that everything has a cause, then you also have to admit that clairvoyance and other forms or horoscope are therefore possible. Yes, in retrospect I was thinking that I had definitely foreseen this, I had known we would meet again and also known that it would be perfect, even though at the same time I had to admit that she had only existed at the corner of my consciousness. And fittingly therefore when I saw her she was standing in a corner of the room — as if it might have been possible to just snip her out of the picture entirely, like the smallest nymph at the edge of a ceiling painted with faded allegories — and immediately we were talking and were smiling very much, like the most tentative clowns in the room. I was crowded with excitement, even if I knew that in many ways this feeling could well be an illusion and just some trick of perspective — and so as we spoke I was waiting for that realisation and yet not waiting, a little like hoping someone will text you and having your phone beside you on silent but trying not to look, so that every drifting cloud or shift of light on its surface makes you nervous in your peripheral vision. There was something in her manner that enchanted me very much. She had a grandeur, no question, and that grandeur was in how sure she was of herself and of her charm. She had this integrity that was endless, including her carnality. So that it was not impossible, it seemed to me, that she would offer some route out of this scenario I was in, something decisive and irrevocable, a mode of living that was completely outside the system of my life up until now. Such a possibility must exist, after all. I had been giving it much thought. For a moment it seemed possible never to feel anxious again. For in Dolores, there was nothing serious. Or no: in Dolores, everything serious was devoted to this question of precision.

— What did you most like about me? she said.

— About you? I said.

— When we first met? she said.

— At that fiesta? I said.

— For me, she said, — it was the way you were always looking at me.

And it struck me that this type of conversation was very difficult, since in a way I remembered very little of Dolores in that conversation, mainly in fact only remembering how difficult I had found it in relation to Romy and Candy, but now that she was talking I believed that I could remember, too — since who is to judge the past? The fact that she remembered so much detail was for me a tender thing, and it made me want her even more, including the past I could no longer remember. I was looking at her and thinking that never could I imagine not wanting Dolores’s body: whether feverish with illness, racked with vomiting, crimson with sunburn. I could imagine our mouths all over each other, like intricate, intelligent animals. And even though we parted with no future plan or even appointment, every day I thought about her more and more, and this feeling felt like love: the way some pirate hackers take up crazy amounts of bandwidth without anyone’s consent. That was how opaque the world was, how beautiful, how blocked — and I would like to record this, the future I imagined might be possible with Dolores, I would like to give this lost fiesta some memorial, just before the violence starts.

but then his utopia is interrupted

To be just a single person! What a disaster! I really do think that the outside world is too small for the inside of people, it’s too definite and absolute. Who wouldn’t transform into anything else, into a piranha or other omnivore? Although already I was slightly like the other animals. I was like some octopus with its tentacles around its various saviours and adorees, around the bodies of Romy and Candy and Dolores and the million other mirages. But where would this melancholy octopus go? Events by now were becoming denser and smaller. It was like everywhere the doors and windows and other apertures were blocked, like those fake backdrops in the old theatres, with endless streets receding in fake perspective. Even the front door of our house now seemed like a place of danger, or if not danger then entrapment. If you’re given to such thoughts, perhaps therefore it’s only right that what happened next will happen — that very early in the morning, when the morning is also still the night-time, but you are therefore not in any condition for such philosophy, the doorbell rang very precisely and softly. And so in the usual nightmare method I walked down the stairs in my nightwear — some dead teeshirt, some dead trackpants — to answer it. My mother and my father were away on a romantic weekend together, removed from our festivities. If they were festivities, however, they were very mournful. They were people sitting in an endless tea party, with baking and other pursuits. It wasn’t the zenith I had dreamed of — where in a commune or higher plane everyone would love each other and no one would be hurt, whereas increasingly it seemed that no one really loved each other, and everyone was hurt. As for whether or not it is right for someone to arrive very early in the morning, when the morning is also the night, I did not really consider. Perhaps of course I should have done, although whether or not such protective thoughts had occurred I am still not sure how much protection they would have offered — since when danger approaches it will still approach, however much you have worried about it earlier. But anyway, I did not think about such danger. When you are woken from difficult dreams — like in this dream I was tucking into my own torso, like an ice cream, and when such are your dreams you are happy to be woken up at all — then your sense of perspective or usual danger is maybe momentarily suspended.