David Ohle - The Pisstown Chaos

A ten-inch parasite has been taken from the foot of Wallace Hooker. There had been swelling and pain and he thought it was rheumatism, but his entire constitution became affected. He grew adipose, his disposition declined to such an extent that he was taken by Q-ped to a sanitarium. There the flesh burst and the parasite was revealed Hooker claimed the parasite's presence had caused his face and hands to draw in such a way as to make them useless. He says that he had spent a great deal of time working in the tooth mine outside Pisstown and that the parasite probably entered through a lesion on his heel then. He has heard of instances when the parasites passed from one part of the body of the victim to another, and he attributes the fever and chills he suffered to this migratory action. After removal the gigantic parasite was put in a pail of brine and kept for observation.

Two imp hunters tramping through the woods near Witchy Toe nearly stepped into a sinkhole more than four hundred feet wide and two hundred feet deep, another collapse of substrata, one of many in the area. When the hunters were gagged by a rouge-colored sulfurous vapor rising from the hole, they fled, seeking help. From a safe distance, Witchy The residents watched the goings on. As soon as the vapors ceased to rise, an assortment ofartifacts was collected from the slurry at the bottom, including the cloth-bound remains of a male child stuffed into a wooden nail keg and more than two tons of tooth gold.

The death traveler, Moldenke startled a seeress in Bum Bay when he knocked at her door and asked Is that your cockatiel speaking to me from the camphorberry tree?" The seeress immediately saw the bird which rasped illl aboard'" It was not her bird she told him, and dispatched him with a sweep of her broom. Later, after she had taken her afternoon nap, she found Moldenke asleep on her porch glider. When she awakened him, he began to sing as he backpedaled from the premises in a peacefid manner. "I was once a famous man, "he shouted then turned to walk facing forward My name was Sinatra then and my crooning was known around the world Now Iin looking for work, any work. "

Before the day was out, an elderly stinker appeared in the seeress's yard. She looked out the window and saw him, a tall one, feeding crackers to the cockatiel. She opened the window and gave him a warning. "You get out of my yard or I'll take a skillet to your head.

The lanky stinker said My apologies, lady but Im only looking for my friend Moldenke. He might have said his name was Sinatra. Have you seen him? I know he's in these parts somewhere. The Chaos is over. We're looking for work. He was famous, you know. "

"I just sent him down the road, "she replied "And I'll do the same to you. "She stepped onto the porch and hefted her broom. "Go! Get!"

The stinker complied with her wishes, but said in going, I once ruled the world fmm my hotel room, you know. Ifiew ainmft. One had eight engines and was made of wood "

The cockatiel then repeated its fain, All aboard'"and the second stinker began hoofing long-legged along the road

Mildred Balls was released from the Permanganate Island Facility on Coward's Day and was the last in line to get a ticket for the return trip. The Noctuk was crowded with rough riders on the way to Pisstown for the celebration. She was lucky to find a seat in the commissary, which bustled with hungry, Jake-fueled rough riders eating stewed imp brains and bragging.

"Come tomorrow I'm gonna get me one of those yellow bellies and I'm going to bite off his big red nose and spit it back at him."

"Me, I'll kick some asses with these heavy-soled boots."

"You boys are awfully easy on them cowards. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take my pocket knife and stick it in one of their ears and twist it in as far as it'll go."

Having no interest in their brutal concerns, Mildred tried to avoid eye contact with them, but by the time she had taken only a few bites of the poorly prepared stew, they had begun to pry.

"What were you in for, lady?"

"Parasites."

"That's bad. Prison's better."

"It was a light infestation. A spider bite proved to be the cure. I'm free of them."

"You been there long?"

"Years. I'm looking forward to seeing my grandchildren again if I can find them. They've been shifted all over creation."

"We're all Hookerites. You a Hookerite?"

"No. I never saw the appeal."

"You planning to hurt a coward tomorrow?"

"No."

"You like that stew?"

"Compared to Permanganate Island, it's very elegant. Compared to the way I used to make it, it's fit for the slop jar."

The stew in Mildred's bowl spilled when the Noctuk suddenly leaned to one side, then the other, as its balsa screws began to spin in their cowlings. The big orbigator lifted unevenly from the field and passengers held onto whatever could be grasped. When it settled into a smooth ascent, a team of stinkers came from the kitchen to clean up the spills.

When Mildred bid the rough-riders goodnight, they raised their glasses of Jake to her. "Hip, hip, hooray, old girl. You're a pip."

"Thank you. I'm very sleepy. I'm turning in."

"Okay then. We'll kick a coward for you tomorrow."

Mildred settled into a chair on the open-air outer deck and, despite the stormy roar of the ship's screws, slept until the jolt of the Noctules landing woke her up and one of the crew told her, "You better get off the ship in a hurry, lady. We don't stay here long." Mildred took up her bag and descended the gantry stairs as quickly as she could, sometimes being swept downward by the crowd, her feet dangling in air.

The nearest Templex to the landing field was a mile-long walk on rocky ground. Mildred's ankles were swollen twice their size when she got there, huffing and anxious, lilting with heat prostration. She knew there would be hours of paperwork ahead, then several more exhausting hours on the pedal bus. There had been a time, under conditions like these, when she would have been met by someone on her household staff with a fast, easy-to-pedal, four-seater Q-ped for the trip to the mansion. It was not a particularly busy day at the Templex, however, and Mildred was able to apply for a travel permit in relatively short order.

"Where to?" The clerk's face was partially obscured by a metal screen.

"The Balls estate, at the end of Outerditch Road."

"And your business there? Household service?"

"I'm Mildred Balls. It's my home."

"Oh, then I could probably expedite the paperwork for you, but my people tell me it's become a major shifting hub, the Balls place has. My brother knows the yard man up there. He told me all about it."

"I was afraid of that."

"He said Peters said you ought to be going to Square Island when they let you out. There's no room at the mansion."

"The Square Island house is boarded up. Every critter, bug and rodent on Earth is probably living there."

"The Reverend's shifting programs are in high gear, you know. Some places are being emptied, some are far too full. Another Chaos broke out in Pisstown last night. They say it's coming this way. Populations are pretty stirred up. Nerves are getting frazzled. You'll be fine on the Island. It's not expected to spread there."

"I weathered the last big Chaos on the Island. There were a few scuffles, some killings, fires, other minor disturbances, but there was a relative calm. Could it be the salty air and the gentle breezes put minds at ease?"

"Peters said you could stay in the cottage. Here, fill out this destination form. Put down Square Island by pedal tram and ferry boat. The tram leaves at 12:10." The clerk passed the form to Mildred through a tray that slid back and forth beneath the metal screen.

She filled out the form, signed and dated it. "There you are. I suppose I'm off to the summer home."