David Ohle - The Pisstown Chaos

"I better get going," Peters said. "I've got a pair of little imps to carry back."

"So long, Peters. Nice to see you again."

"Ditto, old friend." Peters crumpled a few bucks onto the bar and left through a side door, letting in the sound of imps squealing, chirping and barking.

Roe asked the barkeep if there was a public privy in the area.

"Down the street a couple of blocks, past Hobson's stable and through the Heritage Area. It's kitty-corner from the Impeteria."

There was a heavy fog in the air when Roe stepped outside. He could see the dull glow of a street lamp in the distance and headed that way, tripping on curbs, stepping on slugs, but eventually finding the privy. Lighting a candle and sitting on one of the two holes, he counted his bucks. There would be expenses in getting to Witchy Toe.

When the counting was over, he had sixty-two bucks, barely enough even if he pinched his pennies every step of the way. He rolled the bucks into a manageable wog and in the process of trying to stuff it back into his pocket, let it fall into the other hole. He heard a single plop as it landed on top of the waste. He quickly wiped himself with one of the urpflanz leaves provided by the city and lowered his candle into the hole. There it was, the roll of bucks, stuck in the waste.

Those of a different mind than Roe's perhaps would have abandoned the bucks or devised a safe and clean way to retrieve them. But Roe chose to extend one arm into the hole along with his head and a shoulder. That position left him short of the bucks by only a few inches. The candle's light shining through the other hole was enough illumination for him to judge the distance and gain confidence that he would be successful if he squeezed himself a little further in. When he tried to reach the bucks this time, he fell in head first. After righting himself, he remained there, standing with his arms folded through the long summer night in waste up to his navel.

After Guards pulled him out with a block and tackle the next morning, Roe had just enough time before his arrest on charges of "privy dipping" to splash himself with water from a stagnant puddle before being taken to the lockup and placed in a cell. When the wig's assistant came to take his deposition, she presented him the paper and pencil tied to the end of a thin pole. "Don't come any closer," she said. "You stink like the devil himself."

"They pushed me in here and left. I haven't had food or water for three days. My clothes are stiff with this dry waste. My candle is burning out. Please, help me. If I had a tub of water and some floating soap I could clean myself. I need water and food, badly."

"Yes, indeed. Just give us a deposition. Write down what happened, how you ended up in the muck, and I'll see if I can get the charges dropped. I don't see any criminal intent here. Your name is?"

"Balls. They call me Roe."

"Oh, one of the Balls heirs. That puts a different light on all this. The Balls family was negligent in helping finance the Reverend Hooker's consolidation of power, and that may close all the loopholes."

"Really. I didn't know that. I was often kept in the closet. That's why I'm so pale and pasty, even now. Mildred had a cruel streak. Grandfather was a lush, a spendthrift and a bore. I've had a bad life. I do love my sister, though. She made sure I had my colonics every day."

"I feel sorry for you. I'll still talk to the wig. I'll still see what I can do."

"That's decent. I'm grateful, but a little weak. I'm delirious."

"I'll get you some food and water. Hurry and write before your candle gutters."

Roe wrote:

It is not fair that I have been charged with the crime of privy dipping. How I came to be in that place was certainly a regrettable accident. There was no pleasure intended, nor was any enjoyed. The second time I tried reaching down to get my bucks, that's when I went in. I had my head, my right arm and shoulder down through the hole and I was holding on to the rim of the hole with my left hand. I needed that money to get to Square Island. I was going to pick the bucks up between my ring finger and my pinkie. I actually got my fingers on a corner of it and I was starting to lift it up, away from the waste, when I felt myself start to slip. I tried to pull my body back up, but I couldn't do it. The hand that was holding me up had gotten numb. The next thing I knew, I was in the hole. Head first. Straight to the bottom. The top of my head hit the hard mud and I fell over backwards. But I wasn't hurt too badly, except I'd scraped my hip on the way in. It's a good thing I didn't go unconscious. When I stood up I shook the waste off and wiped it away from my eyes and I was glad there was a bottom to stop me and that I was still alive, that I hadn't drowned in the waste. I was completely covered. My whole body had been under. The splash from my fall put out the candle and I was in total darkness. I stood there a few minutes trying to understand what had happened, and think about how to get out. The stuff was about four feet deep. I couldn't tell how big the pit was. But it was all mud, sides and bottom. It was about the size of a small jail cell, only underground and half full of waste. I held up my arm and I could touch the edge of the hole, but I couldn't get enough of a grip to pull myself out. I tried to jump up and reach through the hole and get a better grip, but it was impossible. I had hit my collarbone hard on the edge of the hole going in and I couldn't do any jumping. That's when I got sick and vomited the first time. After that I walked around to see if there might be something under the waste I could stand on. The waste was thick at the bottom and the top was liquid, the top foot or so. I kept my arms folded all the time. That way they weren't dangling down in the waste. I couldn't tell how fast time was passing. I started screaming for help. "Help me, I'm stuck!" It sounded loud in the pit, but I don't know how it sounded outside. Then my throat got sore and I had to stop yelling. I think I yelled for about two hours, but no one came. Then I started pacing around. I took a couple of steps in one direction, then a couple of steps in another direction as if I was in a cell. It must have been a hundred and ten in that hole. I was sweating. It was a steam bath. I was hot and I was nervous. I was in a state of shock. But there wasn't anything more to do. I just stood there with my arms folded, leaning against the side, waiting for the sun to shine through that hole. My legs got tired, but I was too frightened to get sleepy. If I had fallen asleep I might have drowned. What's odd is, I got sick a couple more times and the stink subsided. All I could smell was my vomit. Finally the waste on my face hardened enough that I could brush it off with my hand. Then I worried I might not get out of there at all. I was hallucinating. I thought I might deteriorate if I stayed in there too long. I thought that the waste might start rotting my skin. I worried about catching diseases. But the main thing I started worrying about was, what will Grandmother think when I get out? I was humiliated, extremely shamed. I was mortified. I thought about suicide. It might not be worth getting out if Grandmother was going to tease me and make fun of me. And I knew she would. I felt like ending my life right there. It wasn't worth coming out. I figured they wouldn't find my body, that it would just rot away in the muck. They would think I'd been kidnapped or something worse. Or if they did retrieve my body, it would be a black mark on the Balls family name. But I didn't kill myself. I waited, and I cried until the dawn finally came and I saw the first light through the hole, the hole that led up to life, real life, not life in the pit. There wouldn't have been much air coming in without that hole. I stood under it all night and breathed. With morning I thought someone might be walking by and I started screaming again, "Help me, I'm stuck." In a while two Guards strolled by and heard me. One of them came into the privy and said, "Where are you?" I said, "I'm down here! Look in the hole." I held my hand up so he could see it. It was still a little dark in the hole. He said, "Oh, I'll get a chain." In about an hour he came back with a chain and a few stinkers and they pulled me out.