Martin Amis - Lionel Asbo

‘“So that’s me challenge.” Indeed. Chris and myself slip away, leaving Asbo to his dosh, his drivel, and his doxy. And I’m thinking, of course, that it’s young Des Pepperdine who’s faced a challenge and surmounted it. It’s young Des Pepperdine who’s achieved something in this life. It’s young Des Pepperdine who’s “come good”.

‘Not Lionel Asbo.’

No, not the Hog Heaven Headcase. Not the Megabucks Moron. Hidden depths? Don’t make us weep. Put it on your tombstone, mate. If you can spell it. LIONEL ASBO: FATCAT F***WIT. RIP .

Rape? Murder? What’ll it be next, you brainless BERK? Remember your rhyming slang, Lionel? Berk? From Berkeley Hunt? Four letters? Begins with a C?

Don’t worry, folks. Give him long enough, and he’ll work it out — one of these years. Back at the Scrubs they’re already warming his toilet seat. And repadding his cell .

Go easy, lad, and take it nice and slow. You’ll have all the TIME in the world .

IN THE PLANETARIUM of Lionel’s glass-domed spa, as he slid into the trunks he’d been told to bring along, Des took it all in, the plunge pool, the lap pool, the saunas of various ferocities, the gargling jacuzzis, and the orderly forest of potted plants and gleaming pine. Then he went out through the wrong door — and found himself, barefoot, in a large and luxurious library … On the nearest coffee table (he saw with a pang) there was a roughly splayed Morning Lark , plus a roughly splayed Diston Gazette , plus two cans of Cobra with a crushed Marlboro Hundred on either lid, like a tableau of earlier times …

With the white towel across his shoulders he stepped out on to the deck. Daphne had gone (and with a blush he imagined her reading it, all those years ago: Dear Daphne, I’m having an affair with an older … ). Poolside, Lionel lay chewing on a cigar while Carmody replenished his ice bucket. Des stood there, hands on hips … The village nestled on a rise over a shallow valley, and Lionel’s vast garden was arranged on three levels, three graded distances, eventually subsiding into a pasture of paler green where two tiny horses nuzzled and browsed. The uppermost lawn was tyrannised by a sky-filling cedar, caught in mid-flail, ancient, grand, and haggard, and half-supported, now, by tripods made from its own wood. Dropped branches, fashioned into crutches.

‘Get wet then,’ urged Lionel.

In Des dived, and the tepid water streamed past him, seeming to clog his pores and filling his head with memories of school trips, chlorine, foot troughs, pimpled white chests. He surfaced, saying,

‘It’s a bit warm, isn’t it?’

‘Yeah. I know. Blood-heat. That’s “Threnody”. She insists.’

Out of politeness Des swam a few laps … You could count on Lionel (he thought) to have a girlfriend whose name he couldn’t pronounce. And didn’t threnody mean a lament or a dirge? … Up he climbed, feeling as though he was covered in sweat; he retrieved his towel and went and sat on the white wicker chair next to Lionel’s plumply padded lounger. He said,

‘Ah. Nice.’

‘Yeah. Most refreshing. Like a bath you just pissed in … Suppose you want a drop of this. Go on then. Nah, fill you glass. I already had a couple of pints with Daph. You know, she’s right, “Threnody”. There’s nothing to it.’

‘Nothing to what?’

‘Shaping you image in the press. It’s easy. You just let you personality come out. And then they putty in you hands.’

‘Cheers, Uncle Li.’

‘It’s not even like beer , champagne. It’s like pop . This is more like it — Macallan’s.’ He hoisted the heavy glass. ‘It’s older than me, this is. And as for that fucking tree, it’s been there, it’s been there for a thousand years. A thousand years. They brought it back from Lebanon. On they crusades.’

The two of them were looking out and away.

‘… You know, Des, I’ve had every ponce and mumper in England come knocking on me door. Ringo. Ringo shows up. Says he can’t find work because of his arm. I said, You couldn’t find a fucking job, Ring, even before you was crippled . You Uncle John, he shows up and all.’ Lionel ruefully but in the end quite indulgently shook his head. ‘They’ll try anything! Oh yeah — and guess who else come calling. Guess what else crept out from under its fucking stone. Ross Knowles!’

Des remembered Ross Knowles. The unexceptionable drinker Lionel smashed up that time in the Hobgoblin, on account of the news about Marlon and Gina Drago.

‘Ross Knowles, if you please. Ross Knowles come hobbling up me drive. Yeah — on you way, brother. What am I, a fucking bank ?’

Ban-kuh . After a silence Des said, ‘Dawn’s expecting.’ The silence resumed.

‘Is she now. Expecting what? … Come on, let’s have it, son. Why’re you here?’

Des said, ‘Just some family business. That’s all.’

‘What business?’

‘You know. The flat. Gran.’

‘Oh yeah. Gran. You been up there? How is the old …?’

‘And I came to tell you our news, Uncle Li,’ said Des, rerousing himself. ‘I’m chuffed. Dawn’s in the family way and we’re both dead chuffed.’

Breathing in, Lionel resettled himself. ‘You too young, Des,’ he said quietly. ‘You twenty-one.’

‘Well. Dawn’s twenty-three. We aren’t kids.’

‘Okay. You not like Grace . Or you mum. You not twelve … But you should be putting youself about,’ he went on. ‘With the birds. Applying youself.’

‘I don’t seem to be the type … I’m like you, Uncle Li. Back then. Not bothered.’

‘Yeah, well I’m bothered now, by Christ. Obsessed. And when that happens, Des, it’s all off. You at they mercy!’

Des leaned back and closed his eyes and said dreamily, ‘I fancy a girl.’

‘Oh yeah? Who?’

Was Lionel being sarcastic — or just stupid on purpose? ‘No. I fancy having a girl.’

‘Yeah? Who?’

‘ No , Uncle Li. I fancy fathering a girl.’

‘Oh. Oh. Well that’s you own business … Sorry, Des, me mind’s elsewhere. I’m due a treat this afternoon.’ He winced three times, four, as if in pain, and then his mouth broke into a lavish sneer. ‘Gaw. Birds. The way they … And then you …’

Des closed his eyes again. ‘Well I’m chuffed. Just think. What if it’s twins?’

‘… Forget it.’

‘Forget what?’

‘You after me room. And you can’t have it .’

Des sat forward. ‘Oh come on, Uncle Li. Come on. What you need it for?’

‘All me stuff!’

‘All what stuff? Crates of dodgy old mobile phones. Old bottles of North Korean steroids all stuck together. And a load of old videos off the Adult Channel!’

‘… Oh. So you saying you been sniffing round in there.’

‘Yeah.’ And Des told him how he had gained entry (on all fours), and spent a week restacking the merchandise. ‘So we could put a new door back on the hinges and get it shut. This was years ago. I told you, Uncle Li.’

‘You never!’

‘I can prove it!’

‘Go on then!’

‘Okay. Am I married?’

‘… How would I know?’

‘See? I told you that and all! Silent Green. You were on the phone with your people. Attacking the yen. I said, We’re engaged . But you weren’t listening, Uncle Li. You were too busy attacking the yen! … We need the space. It’s my mother’s room. And I want it back.’

‘Oh, boo-hoo. Where’s you violin.’

‘Listen. The minute you’re earning they stop the Assistance. So we’re paying the rent.’