Rachel Cusk - The Country Life

‘I won’t be staying to supper,’ I falteringly interjected.

‘Why ever not?’ said Pamela.

‘I’m — busy.’

Martin made several kissing noises. Pamela looked at me slightly oddly. Suddenly a smile dawned across her face.

‘Oh, it’s your date !’ she said. ‘How wonderful. Although I shouldn’t go on an empty stomach if I were you. Jack will have had his tea on the dot of half-past six. He won’t be wining and dining you. In fact, you’ll probably be lucky if you get a packet of beer nuts out of him. He’s notoriously tight.’

At Pamela’s words something started to plague me. I reached for it, trying to remember what it was, but it hovered tantalizingly just beyond my compass.

‘Well, I’d better go,’ I said.

‘Good luck!’ cried Pamela.

‘See you,’ mumbled Martin, an injured expression on his face; for all the world as if my assignation were a betrayal of him, rather than the reverse.

Back at the cottage I entrenched myself in the bedroom, sensing that a long and bitter sartorial struggle lay ahead. Ploughing through my suitcases, I realized that most of my clothes were dirty, although I had barely worn them. The extreme heat had rendered my things limp and odiferous, mostly after only a single outing. I wondered how I was expected to do my washing, and whether Pamela would bring the subject up or wait until I was driven by desperation to do so myself. I was keen to give a more decorous impression to Mr Trimmer, after the shameful episode of the cut-off trousers; not because I cared particularly what he thought of me, but because I wanted firmly to retrieve any undesirable notions they might have introduced into his head. In the event, I had no choice in the matter: my smart dress was the only thing clean enough to withstand public scrutiny, although as I put it on I felt that it gave unwanted and wholly inaccurate prominence to an entirely different range of motives; namely that in it I gave the impression of having made an effort. I was bewildered, after I had done up the buttons, by the fact that the material hung about me in great folds. Finding no other explanation, I realized that I appeared to have shrunk quite drastically. That this should have happened in the few days since I had last worn the dress, without cause and without my really noticing, was profoundly disturbing. It was as if I were disappearing; or rather, as if the space I was entitled to occupy were being gradually withdrawn. The change made me nervous, as if without weight I might be overlooked or swept away.

At ten minutes to eight I heard the crunch of footsteps on the gravel path and I hurried downstairs, eschewing lipstick in the hope of offsetting the excessive glamour of my attire. A thunderous knock shook the cottage door, and I opened it to find Mr Trimmer standing legs astride and arms held rigidly by his sides in the falling dusk. I was surprised to see that despite the warmth of the evening he was wearing a sweater. It was blue with a red stripe around the V of its neck; the sort of thing that might be worn as a school uniform.

‘Good evening,’ I said stiffly.

‘Land Rover’s over in the drive,’ he replied. He seemed embarrassed. ‘We’ll have to walk there first.’

He turned abruptly and set off. I followed, my chest hollow with dread and disappointment. The evening, I felt sure, was going to be far worse than I had anticipated. From behind, Mr Trimmer had an unusual appearance. His hips were low-slung and his backside so broad that his legs splayed slightly beneath it. He waddled as he walked, like an overfed bird. I ran to catch up with him, so that I would not be left to the contemplation of this view; but the path was narrow, and it was impossible to walk beside him without drawing too close. I fell behind again. He trod heavily and silently ahead of me, as if I were a prisoner being led to a cell. The noise of our footsteps and the tall, oppressive hedges on either side put me in a strange trance. For a moment I forgot entirely where I was, and what phase of my life I was occupying. Presently we emerged on the front drive and I saw a battered pale-green Land Rover parked beside the Maddens’ car. Silently, Mr Trimmer opened the door and got in. As I progressed around the front of the vehicle to the other side, I saw him through the window sitting and staring straight ahead. As soon as I had passed him, he started the engine.

‘We’re off!’ I said with false cheer, once I had climbed up to my seat. The inside of the Land Rover smelt of straw and animals. On the floor at my feet was a single, mud-encrusted shoe. Mr Trimmer did not reply to my observation. He seemed to be having some trouble getting the vehicle into gear. The controls were very widely spaced, and as he stamped on the pedals with his outstretched feet and thrashed the far-flung gearstick, his strange body stiffened on a diagonal plane above his seat.

‘Come on, you cow!’ he broadly exclaimed, his face grim with exertion.

With a great grinding sound, we shot forwards and began clattering at high speed down the drive. Jostling up and down on my seat, I surreptitiously groped for the seat belt but couldn’t find one.

‘You won’t find it,’ bellowed Mr Timmer over the noise of the engine. ‘Long gone.’

I worried that he might have interpreted my action as a criticism of his driving, but couldn’t think of anything to say which might erase this impression. Lost for words on one count, I then found myself locked into a larger silence. Search as I might, I could find no subject on which even a brief conversation might be built. We reached the bottom of the drive and turned left along the road to Hilltop. Mr Trimmer began to drive at an alarming speed. The engine’s roar rose to a scream and the Land Rover rocked this way and that. The darkening road rushed up at us and I gripped the dashboard in front of me and closed my eyes, my heart pounding. For longer than seemed possible, we raced along the knife-blade of certain death; until finally the shriek of the engine descended one key and then another, and I dared to open my eyes. We had arrived, I saw, at Hilltop; and after hurtling some way along the High Street, Mr Trimmer gave a brutal wrench of the wheel and brought us up short, almost flinging me from my seat, in front of the pub. My immediate reaction to this entirely unnecessary display of bravado was intense anger. So forceful and righteous was my fury, and so overwhelming the dislike for Mr Trimmer it caused to surge up in my mouth, that I felt I would be justified in turning around there and then and marching back to Franchise; a course which had the added advantage of sparing me the gruelling evening to come. It is far easier, however, to entertain these thoughts than to act on them; and seconds later I found myself following him, brimming with the consciousness of how unbearable my situation was, towards the pub.

The chairs and tables outside were all crowded, but I hoped that we would still be able to find a space among them; not because I wanted particularly to enjoy the warm evening, but because the thought of being enclosed with Mr Trimmer threatened to turn my agony to torment. Trailing after him, I was buffeted by strong waves of feeling, from which my relative happiness with the Maddens so far had protected me: homesickness, longing for Edward, self-pity, all the predators of the heart which even a momentary weakening of the spirits can unleash. So miserable, in fact, did I begin to feel that I became careless of my own behaviour. Mr Trimmer’s boorishness had given me the impression that he was insensible. As I stood beside him at the bar, I made no effort to disguise my unhappiness, and even attempted, by means of sullen looks and meaningful sighs, to communicate it to him. By doing so, I knew, I was presenting a challenge to his imperviousness; a sort of childish game which, in my state of self-absorption, I had elected to play with myself. I did not, in any case, expect him to respond to my taunts; I imagined, in this infantile mood, that he would not even notice them. He stood at the bar, looking straight ahead, while the chatter of the pub grew louder and louder around us.