Rachel Cusk - The Country Life

As for me, I had rejected an acknowledged life, stamped and certified. I had refused the keys to permanence, left the full cupboard of certainty unopened. I wanted to live by my wits, sleep beneath the stars of solitude, scavenge for scraps: and if in my restless hunger I came across a laden apple tree, no one could blame me for stopping and eating to sustain myself, for who knew when I might next have the chance? Toby was just such a tree; except, of course, that apples rarely disdain to be eaten, as was likely to be the case here.

‘Steady on,’ he murmured, leaning towards me and nodding at my plate. ‘You’ll give yourself indigestion.’

For a moment I could not think what he was talking about; but then I saw that I had almost cleared the mound of food in front of me, while the others had scarcely dented theirs. This state of affairs represented a marked change in my eating habits. I am normally a slow and careful eater, having been schooled by my mother in the many social atrocities it is possible unwittingly to commit during the ingestion of food. Since my arrival in the country, I had certainly been hungry; but also, having no independent means, I had quickly developed the opportunistic attitude to food which I have just applied analogously to my feelings for Toby. I realized that over the past few days I had been eating every meal as if it were my last; and I sat for some time in a ferment of retrospective embarrassment, as I wondered whether the Maddens had noticed my gobbling but been too polite to mention it.

‘It’s the country air,’ I said to Toby. I seemed incapable of saying anything to him that was not profoundly dull. ‘It makes me hungry.’

‘Does it now?’ he said, sitting back in his chair. ‘I like girls with appetites. It suggests a lust’ — he stretched hugely, his arms aloft, and yawned — ‘for life.’

Martin, who was sitting opposite us, had been watching this exchange, and now evidently decided to bring it to a halt.

‘Stella had a visitor this afternoon,’ he said, addressing the whole table.

‘Did she?’ said Pamela.

‘She did. Mr Trimmer came to pay court.’

‘Oh, God,’ said Toby, whether in sympathy or disgust I could not ascertain.

‘ Really? ’ Pamela grinned at me. ‘I told you he’d take a fancy to you.’

‘His gallant behaviour on the footpath earlier,’ continued Martin, ‘secured him a date with her tomorrow evening.’

‘What’s this?’ said Mr Madden brightly, looking about.

‘Better not let Dora find out,’ said Pamela.

‘No,’ chimed Martin, nodding his head solemnly. ‘Because if Dora finds out about Stella she’ll be very cross.’ He gave me a menacing look. ‘She wouldn’t approve at all .’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said Pamela ingratiatingly. ‘She’d come with our guarantee, after all. Jack could do a lot worse than marry Stella.’

I opened my mouth to protest, but Martin interrupted.

‘Oh, Dora needn’t worry about that,’ he said loudly. ‘Stella can’t get married.’

There was silence around the table. I stared at my plate, braced for what seemed certain to come.

‘Who would look after me otherwise?’ concluded Martin feebly.

‘Oh, shut up,’ said Toby.

‘On that note,’ said Pamela, at the same time.

‘Bedtime for you,’ said Mr Madden.

‘I’ll take him up,’ I furiously declared, pushing back my chair and standing up. I was gratified to see a shadow of fear flit across Martin’s face.

‘Oh, would you?’ said Mr Madden. ‘Jolly kind.’

I got Martin out of the room as quickly as I could and stormed up the stairs ahead of him with his chair.

‘I can’t believe you did that,’ I said, from the top, while he scrabbled his way up backwards. ‘You’re evil.’

‘What?’ he said.

‘I told you that in confidence. I did not expect to be tormented and blackmailed for it. I regret that I ever trusted you.’

‘What?’ he said, hauling himself into his chair.

‘Don’t pretend you don’t know! I’ve had just about enough of you!’

‘I didn’t do anything!’ he wailed, following me down the corridor and into his room. ‘It was only a joke.’

‘It’s not a joke if it’s not funny. Why do you have to be so manipulative ?’

‘What else is there to do?’ He shrugged and wheeled himself to his closet. ‘I get bored, that’s all. I wasn’t going to tell them anything.’

‘That’s not the point. If you carry on like this, they’ll start thinking that I’m hiding something, or that I’m untrustworthy.’

‘You did steal their gin,’ remarked Martin, pulling his T-shirt over his head. I was surprised by the sight of his chest, which, though very pale and hairless, was extremely muscled. He quickly drew a pyjama top from a drawer in the closet and struggled into it arms first.

‘That was not my idea. You said it would be all right.’

Martin wheeled himself to the side of the bed, the pyjama bottoms clutched between his teeth. He levered himself out of his chair and half-threw himself on top of it.

‘Do you want some help?’ I enquired.

‘I can do it. Don’t look.’

As I looked away, I glimpsed him beginning to wriggle out of his trousers. I wondered what his legs looked like.

‘Ready!’ he called.

I turned around and was surprised to see him neatly slotted between the covers. He patted the space next to him and I went and sat down.

‘I’m sorry, Stel-la,’ he said sweetly. ‘Your secret’s safe with me.’

‘I wish I could believe that,’ I replied.

He gazed sombrely at me.

‘You like Toby, don’t you?’ he said.

‘No.’

‘Don’t.’

‘Don’t what?’

‘Don’t like him.

‘Why not?’

‘Because it pains me.’

‘I just said I didn’t.’ I met his eyes and saw that they were indeed inky with some unguessable emotion. ‘I find him attractive. That’s all.’

‘That’s bad enough. It’s not fair.’

‘You’ve got other things,’ I said. ‘Anyone can see that.’

He fiddled with the corner of the sheet, his eyes downcast.

‘No one will ever love me.’

‘Yes, they will. You just have to wait.’

‘I have to wait for everything.’

I saw that he was only just beginning to comprehend the range and scale of his exclusion from normal life, I did genuinely believe, however, that what I had said to him was true. Indeed, I felt more confident of his future than my own. His very circumstances dictated a long and difficult journey to loving him; and anyone who made it would by necessity possess more than the average degree of mettle. Out in the milling world, there was no knowing who one might brush up against, nor why they had stopped, nor when they might move on again. Martin, at least, had been saved the endless accounting of mediocrity: the ceaseless, fearful estimating of one’s own value, in which those with no claim to the exceptional were forced to engage.

‘At least you’re different,’ I said. ‘There’s no reason for anybody to choose someone like me.’

‘Edward did.’

‘He was the same. Sometimes I think that’s what brought us together. There was no reason not to, if you see what I mean.’

‘That’s crap,’ said Martin, yawning. ‘He probably just made you think that about yourself so that he wouldn’t have to worry about you.’

‘How do you know?’ I said, letting Edward go undefended.

‘It’s obvious. You’re a dangerous woman, Stel-la. The dogfucker was right for once. You’ve got a lust for life.’

Later that night, I lay awake for some time trying to think about what Martin had said. His remarks had felt true to me — I had heard the clean, clear sound of them as they chimed in my heart — and yet I could not find my way to this truth by any logical process of thought. Confounded, I fell asleep; but some time later sleep spat me out again into the soft palm of the dark. For a moment, when I opened my eyes, I thought that I was to be delivered to this truth for which I had been searching. Within seconds, however, I became conscious of the sound that had woken me, a sort of scrabbling noise coming from outside. I stiffened instantly with fear; and just then heard a light tapping coming from downstairs, like someone knocking at the door. I waited for some time, and when I heard nothing more I got out of bed and felt my way in the dark down the stain. The sitting room was undisturbed in the shadows. I walked to the window and looked out. A figure I immediately recognized as Toby was making his way down the garden path to the gate. I could see the casual set of his shoulders in the moonlight, and the outline of his hands in his pockets. He opened the gate, looked this way and that, and disappeared.