Rachel Cusk - The Country Life

‘Now just stay here!’ she panted, bringing him to an abrupt halt at the table and slamming down the brake with her foot. Martin looked so fragile beside her, and so crumpled by his brutal journey, that I genuinely feared for his health; but it was not a good time to be making solicitous enquiries, which would undoubtedly be taken as a form of insurrection by our general. ‘You’ve got all of us running around after you in this heat!’ she exclaimed, suitably glistening and red-faced. ‘You can’t bear not to have all the attention, can you? You can’t bear the fact that other people can sit and have a perfectly nice conversation without your help.’ I was flattered, but not reassured, by this. ‘No, you’ve got to make everyone stop what they’re doing and give all their attention to you. You can’t bear it if—’

‘Shut up!’ said Martin, putting his large hands over his ears.

‘No I won’t shut up!’ shrilled Caroline. ‘How dare you speak to me like that? I’ll tell Mummy—’

‘Just shut up!’ shrieked Martin, his small body puffing like a pair of bellows. ‘You stupid fat cow! Do you have any idea how your fat voice sounds, nya, nya, nya’ — he worked his chin in an admirable imitation — ‘Mummy this, Mummy that, it’s no wonder Dewek’s such a zombie, it must be like living with a fucking pneumatic drill !’

‘MUMMY!’ hollered Caroline in panic, her mouth opened so wide that I could see her pink and trilling tonsils, ‘MUMMY!’

‘Da-da-da-da,’ said Martin, apparently drilling, but in fact sounding, more menacingly, like a machine-gun. ‘Da-da-da-da.’

‘JUST STOP IT!’ she roared, her body writhing.

‘What on earth is going on out here?’ said Pamela, arriving at the scene with the accuracy and effect of a missile, bringing a sudden and deathly silence. ‘What can you possibly be thinking of, making all this noise?’

She pushed her way through to the table and stood, to my dismay, glowering at me, hands on her hips. I shrugged and looked at Caroline.

‘He’s doing it again!’ moaned Caroline. Her face was a wreck of emotion, awash with tears. I felt rather sorry for her. ‘He’s said the most awful things!’

‘Oh, for God’s sake, Martin.’ Pamela put her hand to her forehead. Caroline cried out again in fresh agony. ‘Get a grip on yourself, Caroline, for Heaven’s sake. What must Stella think?’

All eyes turned to me. At that moment, there was a jostling around my legs beneath the table, and something wet and viscous impressed itself on my knee. I gave a yelp of horror and looked down to see Roy’s dripping muzzle nosing between my thighs.

‘If you two can’t get on, then we shall just have to stop doing things as a family. Do you hear? I won’t have it! I won’t!’

I forced my thighs together so powerfully that Roy’s head jerked back and impacted with a thud on the underside of the table. I wiped the damp flesh of my leg surreptitiously with my hand.

‘Sorry,’ mumbled Martin, magnanimously.

‘Caroline?’

‘Well, I really don’t see why I should apologize, when—’

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake,’ said Martin.

‘Martin! I’m bloody well warning you! One more word! Caroline, get on and apologize.’

‘Mummy.’

‘Do it, or you’re going home.’

‘You’ll be sorry for this,’ said Caroline, apparently to all of us. Martyred tears streamed down her cheeks. ‘Just you wait. You’ve spoilt everything. This was supposed to be a wonderful day, and now it’s all been spoilt.’

‘Nonsense,’ said Pamela briskly.

‘It’s not nonsense!’ wailed Caroline, stamping her foot upon the grass. ‘Oh, you’re all so awful, I don’t see why I should tell you anyway! I’m just going to go home!’

‘Tell us what, darling?’ said Pamela, in a more conciliatory tone.

Now that she had recouped some sympathy, Caroline struck an attitude at once sullen and composed, her head hung low.

‘I just wanted to tell you all,’ she said, generously including me, ‘that Derek and I are going to have a baby.’

Pamela shrieked so loudly that I started from my chair, thinking her to be in pain.

‘My darling girl!’ she cried, flinging her arms around Caroline. Even in that moment of high emotion, I could not help noticing how slim, eager Pamela looked more like Caroline’s daughter than her mother. ‘Oh, well done you ! Oh, how absolutely wonderful!’

Thus deluged by appreciation, but still not wanting her injury to be forgotten, Caroline was faced by the difficult task of appearing pleased and hurt at the same time: she achieved this with an attitude of weary vindication, like a plaintiff emerging from a courtroom to a cheering crowd after a long but successful fight against injustice.

‘Oh, where’s Daddy? Piers! Piers! Come out here!’ called Pamela. ‘I’m delighted , darling! Oh look, I’m crying now.’ Pamela swiped at one or two crystal beads about her eyes. ‘What marvellous news.’

You may think me horribly small-minded, but the fact that Caroline had avoided — albeit in style — making her apology to Martin preyed upon my mind. I found myself watching her, in much the same way as she had observed me earlier, and was rather gratified to see her grow self-conscious beneath my gaze. She turned her head this way and that, and once even placed her hands across her belly and made rubbing motions, as one would rub a lamp to conjure a genie.

‘Martin?’ she said finally. ‘Haven’t you got anything to say?’

I was most interested by this development, it being evident to me that Caroline had vowed, as far as she was able, to resist giving any further attention to Martin by eliciting his response to her news. A confrontation would undoubtedly ensue, and Caroline, I saw, had wanted to capitalize on her current sainthood by being seen not to provoke one. She had, however, failed in this resolution, thus proving, to my mind, both that her feelings for Martin were deep and complex, and, perhaps consequently, that she cared more for his opinion than for that of anyone else.

‘I’m very pleased for you both,’ said Martin, quite the gentleman.

‘You don’t sound it,’ snapped Caroline; giving me, at least, the satisfaction of believing that my diagnosis had been correct.

‘It’s great news,’ said I, heroically. ‘I’m sure you’ll make an excellent mother.’

‘Thank you, Stella,’ Caroline replied, nonetheless making it disdainfully clear that her ability at motherhood had never been in doubt.

‘Golly!’ said Piers, whom Pamela had by now retrieved from the house. He kissed Caroline on the cheek, smiling so hard that the rest of his features retired in defeat. ‘Well done, Caro!’

‘Isn’t it great?’ beamed Pamela. ‘Goodness, we haven’t even asked you when it’s due to land!’

‘February,’ blushed Caroline.

‘Ah!’ cried Pamela and Piers, in unison.

‘I was born in February,’ said I. I had not really considered what I hoped to gain by this announcement, but the fact that I knew Caroline so little made any other kind of contribution difficult. As a coincidence it was not, admittedly, much; and it struck me that by promulgating myself as an advertisement for a February birth, I could be seen to be issuing a threat rather than a consolation. ‘It’s a good month,’ I continued, as the others seemed rather nonplussed. ‘You don’t get depressed after Christmas because you know there are more presents on the way.’

‘True, true,’ mused Mr Madden.

‘Right!’ said Pamela. ‘Shall we all drink to Caroline’s baby? Has everybody got a glass?’

‘And Derek’s,’ pouted Caroline. ‘It’s his baby just as much as it is mine.’