Terese Svoboda: A Drink Called Paradise

Thank you Molly Giles, Esther Figueroa, Sondra Olsen, William Melvin Kelley, Jay Hartwell, Donald Sutherland, the Pukapukans I met on Rarotonga, and my dear Steve Bull.

Ah, sex. That’s the subtext of roosters, all roosters. What could be more compelling than the undertones of sex on a desert island, an atoll exactly, with a blood-hot climate and a flame-headed fury of a rooster strutting around the thick uprightness of a coconut palm?

But is this all it is?

Barclay pronounces his lying yes , his polite lying yes , along with its denial of the rest of my life, and it could just as well be the rooster’s yes .

What he means is he’s ready.

Ready or not, I read it to mean.

That is the least of it.

I have a tan, but I am white enough. In books they write that people here stay indoors for weeks to get my color, that this is the color of love they wait for. I am also blond, although that is soon taken care of, day by day, a quarter-inch at a time. I see how the water moves each wave to leave a rope of the darkened sand, and that’s my hair, its true self, not saying sex or foreign or the two, inevitably, together.

A week on an island is a wonder. A week after missing a boat is a reprieve, time to fix it in your head, every stripe in the sunset, everything last, last, last. It’s the next week that sticks in your throat when you try to forget how long it is, then you do and you go on to the next week, you can’t help but hear that yes Barclay makes, its crow. If weeks can be gone through like days, one as warm and wet as the next, then they’re not long, then there’s no worry, take a yes .

Missing the boat is not a worry, it is a dumb thing. Ngarima says there is a spear I must see like all the rest that I must see before I leave: the taro pits, the shells ivory smooth, the way you beat bark, but the boat is coming in, is coming close. Don’t worry, she says, it is only for a minute, over here, she says. I worry, but she has seen many boats, she knows. Come over here, she says. It’s seven foot long, she says. The most beautiful, she says, the one more thing.

The day before the day before the next time the boat should come, it rains in a release like a latch broken, and then it rains the week away, and then the next. Here lashes the tail of a typhoon and the typhoon’s brother and what else? I worry. Rain and its typhoon approach or Barclay’s can make you worry. Today it’s rain-you-can’t-lift-your-hand-in. All you’re allowed in this kind of rain is one foot in front of the other, and only just before the other foot disappears.

Barclay has disappeared.

Oh, I make a scene when I miss the boat. I know by the silence after I speak, the way waves lap so loudly in between what I say. Ngarima says the boat had a problem, it had to leave quick, and Barclay says his yes. They can say that because of a radio. I’m sure there is a radio. I ask every day about a radio to call some other boat, a boat that might be boating by, even here, and every day Barclay says, Yes.

Today the rain drowns, literally it seems, even the rooster’s fervent and urgent riffs that break from that rain-sodden swollen chest. The cuckolding of every other rooster that has ever scratched or jerked in the surrounding circle of coral ends short, recedes to mere complaint, and then to nothing, and leaves me bereft and angry.

I can’t find Barclay.

He’s not in either of the two rooms inside. I run out to where I last saw his large self angling. The rain closes around me in its sheaf of wet and that’s all I make out until I find the porch ledge and then I’m back to where I drip on the porch.

It’s an island, can he go far or forever? says Ngarima. He has gone for sex is what I think, sex outside this sandwich we don’t make here, and not to any radio if there is one. It isn’t a boat he cares about, it’s sex elsewhere, and my sex just sitting here, missing and waiting.

I could plunge back into the rain and search the length of the rain for him, but why not wait now and believe his yes? Tourists wait and are waited on. Why not wait a week longer with my anger and no boat? There are no boats in a typhoon anyway, and there is probably no radio. The lack of truth is what makes me angry, all its yes promise.

All Ngarima promises now is food. No, that is not all she promises. Like Barclay, she is a connoisseur of promising, but today she heaves her huge self out onto the porch with a piece of taro the size of a country ham and a machete tucked, as only an islander can tuck a knife, under her arm, then she settles, a dark enough cloud herself, not a yard away from me.

The rain waggles. It could be a ghost, it could be a skirmish of hot and cold, it could be wind from Oklahoma out to lunch or a long shot slapped down right here in the middle of the Pacific. But most likely ghost.

If she could talk over this rain, Ngarima would tell me ghost, the way she would tell me the kind of day this is for cooking or the size of the fish no one caught so there is just this can of fish to eat. She doesn’t show me this and that anymore, all that is finished with missing the boat as if missing the boat were why she showed me everything, but she still talks ghost. Ghosts lounge around here like everybody else. If she sneezes, there’s a ghost, if she finds a roach in with the food, a ghost stuck it there. After her ghost answer, she would ask if I have children because she likes that question, that’s a question I can’t answer well enough. The question sounds like one an anthropologist would ask over and over, as if there were another answer. Then she would ask if I like sex, as if it is something we are having for dinner. Or as if Barclay is having me.

Barclay does like his service. Along with his name, which he took from something washed up, a biscuit tin or a sailor, he has that stealthy, passive, tilted pelvis when he speaks down to the seated Ngarima, and a washed-up wave of dark hair that cuts off his face while he talks. That face is a film star’s, good eyebrows and chin — you could yes him — but a look on the features says whatever sailor made that slim nose in the smallest part of his person left for good reason, and the colors of his logoed T-shirt scream so ugly I’m frightened for fashion, whatever it took to get it this far.

All tourists think their island’s far, but this island’s really far. You can’t fly in — you have to take a boat. There isn’t even a brochure. I’m in ads, and a place without a brochure is some secluded place. I just stumbled onto it, hustling a soft drink I copywrote Paradise, which meant the drink needed an island better than where the fruit came from to shoot its ad in, in fact, the place we found wasn’t clean enough either, too many rocks on the beach, a lot of beer webbing and mangrove and guano, so we had to get on another plane, and once I got there, what is one more island, one more week away by boat?

Crazy, the crew said. But I have spent the last six months moving six words into as many orders as six words will go — I know crazy. To be sure, my ticket had to be cleared. Someone looked at my ticket and then someone else looked at it, they both stamped it okay to show how they both looked, and then they looked at each other as if I were getting away with what?