Yu Hua: To Live

This debt was to be paid by my dad. As soon as I thought of Dad, my heart went numb. This time he would probably beat me to death. As I walked I kept trying to think of a way out, but no matter what, everything seemed to lead to a dead end. I had no choice but to head home. Being beaten to death by my dad was better than hanging from a tree like some stray dog.

I didn’t realize it, but during that short walk home I had lost a whole lot of weight and my eyes had grown dull and colorless. When my mom saw me she screamed out in surprise. Staring at me in disbelief, she asked, “Are you Fugui?”

Looking at my mom, I forced a smile and nodded my head. Shocked, she uttered something else, but I was no longer paying attention to her. I pushed the door open and went into my room. Jiazhen, in the middle of combing her hair, was also taken aback when she saw me. She gazed at me with her mouth gaping. As soon as I thought of how I had beaten her when she came to persuade me to go home the night before, I fell to the ground and, kneeling before her, muttered, “Jiazhen, I’m finished.”

After speaking those words I began to cry out loud. Jiazhen rushed over to help me up, but being pregnant with Youqing, how could she support me? She called my mom over, and the two of them pulled me onto the bed. As I lay on the bed, bubbles of saliva dripped from my mouth. I looked like a corpse. They were scared to death and began patting me on the shoulder and rocking my head. I pushed them away and said, “I’ve lost everything we have.”

My mother appeared dumbstruck; she stared at me with a look of intensity and asked, “What did you say?”

“I’ve lost everything,” I repeated.

The look on my face convinced her. My mother sat down on the floor and, wiping her tears, said, “If the upper beam is not straight, the lower ones will go aslant.”

Even then my mother still loved me. She didn’t blame me, she blamed my father.

Jiazhen also cried. She patted me on the shoulder and tried to console me. “As long as you don’t gamble anymore, everything will be all right.”

I had nothing left. Even if I had wanted to gamble, I wouldn’t have had any money to stake a bet. I heard Dad in the next room shooting off his foul mouth. He still didn’t know that he was penniless — he was simply annoyed at being disturbed by the two women crying. As soon as she heard my father’s voice, Mom stopped crying. She stood up and walked out, with Jiazhen following her. I knew that they were going into my father’s room, and after a while I heard my dad begin screaming, “Bastard!”

It was just then that my daughter, Fengxia, pushed the door open and came in. She closed the door and in a shrill voice said, “Dad, hurry up and hide! Grandpa’s going to beat you.”

I just stared at her without moving a muscle. She then came over and tried pulling me away by the hand; when I wouldn’t budge she began to cry. Seeing Fengxia cry was like having a knife pierce my heart. Even at such a young age, Fengxia was trying to protect her dad. Just looking at her made me feel like I deserved to be cut to pieces.

I heard my father angrily approaching, shouting, “You bastard! I’m going to dismember you, castrate you! I’m going to chop you into little pieces, you fucking bastard!”

Okay Dad, come on in and chop me to pieces, I thought to myself. But as soon as Dad approached the door he fell on the ground, knocking himself unconscious. I heard Mom and Jiazhen shouting as they picked him up and brought him to his bed. After a while I heard the woodwind-like sound of my father weeping.

Once my father took to his bed, he lay there for three days. The first day he cried like a sad bird, and after the sobbing stopped he began to sigh. All the sounds carried to my room. I heard the echoes of his grieving voice, “Retribution, it’s retribution.”

On the third day, my father received guests. While the sound of his coughing filled the room, his voice was so low it could barely be heard. That night my mother came over to tell me that Dad wanted to see me. I got up from bed thinking, if this isn’t the end, I don’t know what is. I figured that after resting in bed for three days, Dad must have the strength to beat me half-dead, if not annihilate me. I told myself that no matter how bad he beat me, I wouldn’t hit back. As I approached Dad’s room I had no energy. My body grew weak, and it felt as if my legs didn’t belong to me. After entering his room, I stood behind my mother, stealing a glance at Dad as he lay in bed. He opened his eyes and looked at me. His white beard moved as he said to my mom, “Leave us.”

My mom walked past me to leave. As soon as she left I felt empty inside. At first I thought, he might leap right out of bed and attack me. But he just lay there not moving. The blanket covering his chest slid off the bed and onto the floor.

“Fugui. ”

Dad patted the side of the bed, saying, “Sit down.”

My heart raced as I sat down next to him. As he stroked my hand I realized that his was as cold as ice. It was a chill that went straight to my heart. In a low voice, he said, “Fugui, a gambling debt is still a debt. Since ancient times there’s never been anything that says you shouldn’t pay your debts. The hundred mu of land and the house — I’m giving them up. Tomorrow they’ll bring the copper cash. I’m too old to carry the load. You’ll have to carry the money to repay the debt yourself.”

Dad let out a long sigh as he finished. I was moved to tears. I knew he wasn’t going to beat me, but the words he spoke were as painful as death itself. It was as if my head had been severed by a blunt knife yet failed to fall off. Dad patted my hand. “Go to bed.”

The next morning, just as I got up, I saw four men come into our courtyard. In front was a rich man wearing silk. He looked at the three poorly dressed porters walking behind him and, waving his hand, said, “Put it down.”

Putting their load down, the three porters used their shirts to wipe the sweat off their faces. The rich man looked me in the eye but instead of addressing me called out for my father. “Master Xu, the merchandise you wanted has arrived.”

Carrying the title deed for the house and property, Dad coughed repeatedly as he staggered out. He handed the deeds over and bowed slightly as he said, “Sorry to have troubled you.”

Pointing to the three chests of copper cash, the man said to my father, “It’s all there, you can count it if you’d like.”

My dad was completely without the qualities of a rich man. He just said respectfully, “That’s all right, there’s no need. Come in and have a cup of tea.”

“No, thanks,” the man said.

Then he looked at me and asked my dad, “Is this the young master of the house?”

Dad nodded as he looked at me and snickered, saying, “Before you deliver the merchandise, pick some pumpkin leaves to put on top. Don’t let anyone steal it.”

It was on that day that I carried the copper money over ten li into town to repay the debt. Mom and Jiazhen picked the pumpkin leaves we used to cover the top of the chest. When Fengxia saw them picking leaves, she picked out the two biggest to put on top. As I prepared to leave, Fengxia, not knowing I was going to repay the debt, gazed at my face and asked, “Dad, will it be a long time before you come home again?”

My eyes watered up, and I almost dropped a tear as I heard her words. Without delaying another moment I lifted the load and walked toward the city. When I got to town, Long Er, seeing me carrying the load, affectionately called out, “Young master Xu, come on over.”

I placed the load down before him. Pushing away the pumpkin leaves, he knit his brow and said, “Aren’t you making things hard on yourself? Exchanging some of this for silver dollars would save you a lot of trouble.”