Yu Hua - To Live

Nothing else would come out. The official helped me up and asked me what I wanted to say. But I just kept calling him company commander; I kept crying. One of the Liberation troops standing beside me corrected me, “He’s the regimental commander.”

As soon as he said this I was scared to death. I thought, I’m fucked. But I heard the roaring laughter of the prisoners sitting on the ground, and I saw the regimental commander laughing as he asked me, “What was it that you wanted to say?”

It was only then that I finally relaxed and said to the commander, “I want to go home.”

The Liberation Army let me go home, and they even paid my travel expenses. Heading south I rushed the whole way home. When I got hungry I just used some of the travel money the Liberation Army had given me to buy something to eat. When I was tired, I just looked for a plot of flat ground and went to sleep. I couldn’t bear how much I missed home. Just thinking about being able to reunite in this life with my mom, Jiazhen and my two kids filled me with laughter and tears. Overcome by home-sickness, I ran south.

As I got to the Yangtze River, I realized that the south had yet to be liberated. The Liberation Army was just getting ready to cross the river. I couldn’t pass and was delayed there a couple of months. I had to go all over looking for work to do so I wouldn’t starve to death. I knew the Liberation Army needed boat rowers, and back when I had money I had learned how to row a boat just for the fun of it. On a number of occasions I almost joined the Liberation Army to help it row across the Yangtze. I figured that since they had been so good to me, I ought to do something to repay their kindness. But I was really terrified of war and afraid I’d never see my family again. For the sake of Jiazhen and my family I said to myself, I won’t repay them, I’ll just remember that the Liberation Army was good to me.

Keeping behind the Liberation Army as it fought its way south, I made it home. Altogether I’d been gone almost two years. When I left it was mid-autumn; when I came back it was the beginning of autumn. Covered in mud, I walked the road home. When I got to my village I found it hadn’t changed a bit. As soon as I saw it, I began to rush forward. I saw my family’s old brick house, and then I saw our thatched hut. As soon as I laid eyes on the thatched hut I couldn’t help but break into a run.

Not far from the edge of the village I saw a girl around seven or eight with a boy around three cutting grass. The second I saw that girl in her raggedy clothes I recognized her — she was my Fengxia. Fengxia held Youqing’s hand as he stumbled along. I called out to them, “Fengxia, Youqing!”

Fengxia didn’t hear me, but Youqing turned around to see me. Fengxia kept pulling him as his head turned around crookedly to look at me. I yelled again, “Fengxia, Youqing!”

This time Youqing pulled his sister to a stop and Fengxia turned around to see me. I ran over to them and, kneeling down, asked Fengxia, “Fengxia, do you still remember me?”

Fengxia opened her eyes wide and looked me over. Her lips moved but she didn’t say anything. I said to Fengxia, “I’m your daddy.”

Fengxia smiled, and her mouth opened wide, but she still didn’t make a sound. At that moment I sensed that something wasn’t quite right, but I didn’t think much of it. I knew that Fengxia recognized me. When she smiled at me I saw she had lost all her teeth. As I reached out my hand to touch her face, her eyes lit up and she brought her face closer to my hand. Then I turned to Youqing. He of course didn’t recognize me. Youqing was so scared that he cuddled up close to his sister. I tried to pull him, but he ran away. I said to him, “Son, I’m your dad.”

Youqing hid behind his sister. Tugging on her, he said, “Let’s go.”

It was then that a woman started running toward us, crying out my name. I recognized that it was Jiazhen, stumbling as she ran. When she got to me she called out, “Fugui!”

She then fell to the ground and began to bawl. I said to Jiazhen, “Why are you crying? What’s there to cry about?”

Yet, before I could finish my sentence, I had also started to weep.

I was finally home and, seeing that Jiazhen and the kids were doing well, I felt at peace.

Hugging, we all walked back to the hut. As soon as we got close, I started calling out, “Mom, Mom.”

I called out to her as I ran into the hut, but after one look I saw she wasn’t there. My vision went blurry for a moment, and I turned around and asked Jiazhen, “Where’s Mom?”

Jiazhen didn’t say a word. She just looked at me, her eyes glistening with tears. I knew where Mom had gone. I stood in the doorway with my head lowered, and the tears began to fall.

Mom had died just over two months after I’d left. Jiazhen told me that before Mom died she kept telling Jiazhen over and over, “I’m sure that Fugui didn’t go gambling.”

Heaven knows how many times Jiazhen went into town to see what she could find out about me, but in the end not a soul told her I was forced into the army. And my poor mom — even though she had tried to console Jiazhen, when she died she didn’t even know where I was. Fengxia also had had it hard. A year before, after running a high fever, she had lost her voice. She hadn’t been able to speak since. Jiazhen cried as she told me this. Fengxia, sitting across from us, knew we were talking about her. Fengxia smiled softly at me; seeing her smile was like a needle piercing my heart. Youqing also recognized me as his dad, but he was still a little bit afraid of me. As soon as I’d pick him up, he’d instantly struggle to go see Jiazhen and Fengxia. But no matter what, I was back home. The first night, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get to sleep. I was squeezed together between Jiazhen and the two kids, listening to the sound of the wind blowing the straw on the roof and gazing at the glittering moonlight beaming in through the crack between the door and its frame. I felt both fulfillment and warmth. After a while I caressed Jiazhen and the children. I said to myself over and over again, “I’m home.”

After I got home, the village began land reform, and I was given five mu of land, the same five mu that I had originally rented from Long Er. Long Er was really in deep trouble — he was labeled a landlord, and after not even four years of putting on airs, Liberation came and he was finished. The Communist Party confiscated his land and divided it among his tenants. But Long Er would rather die than admit he was finished. He tried to intimidate some of his tenants, and when they wouldn’t give in to his threats, he even tried to beat them. Long Er screwed himself. The people’s government had him arrested, calling him a despotic landlord. Even after being taken to the city prison, Long Er still showed no understanding of the times. He was as stubborn as a mule. In the end he was executed.

The day they executed Long Er, I went to watch. Only at the last minute before he died did Long Er start to break down. Someone said that as he was dragged out of town on his way to the execution ground, tears and drool ran down his face and he said to a friend, “Even in my dreams I never imagined I’d be executed!”

Long Er really was extremely foolish. He thought that they’d lock him up for a few days and that would be that. Never for a second did he believe they’d execute him. It was during the afternoon in a neighboring village that they shot Long Er. They began by digging a hole. A crowd of people from all the neighboring villages came to watch. When Long Er came by he was all tied up — they practically had to drag him. His mouth was half-open as he huffed and heaved, trying to catch his breath. Long Er glanced at me as he passed by. I didn’t think he had recognized me, but after a few steps he forced his head around. Sniveling, he yelled, “Fugui, I’m dying for you!”