Michael Seidlinger - The Laughter of Strangers

Why am I the guest if they want me to grovel?

Why do they see me as this, when I still have a few fights left in me?

I want to fight.

I need to fight.

I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself that I need to fight to get back.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Why don’t I tell them that?

Yeah, but it’s too late.

Spencer explains our basic strategy, something we shouldn’t really talk about but because I said something I shouldn’t have, he is doing his best to cover up the error. It’s not like it’s a strategy I’d use anyway.

He’s just pulling something out of the air, pure hot air.

BASIC STRATEGY,

ACCORDING TO SPENCER MULLEN:

1) Keep your form tight, punches sharper but not necessarily cast in power. Too many power shots gasses you early.

2) Hydrated before, during, and after fight — a cup of water every hour at the very least.

3) Emphasis on shorter hooks and uppercuts leading with, of course, the jab. The slower the punch, the harder the impact. Sit on your punches whenever necessary; power shots used sparingly.

4) Can’t stress it enough — lead with the jab. Long jabs rather than short create distance and control. Save short jabs for testing the waters, searching and sifting for an opportunity.

5) Focus on chopping the opponent down to size by working the body. Jab to the head, right hook to the body — a sound two-hit lead on a potential flurry of shots.

6) Flurries should be at most four shots. Odds are only half will connect; rest are at the expense of landing at least one. Most flurries work against conserving energy; use sparingly.

7) Remember that every punch is about creating an opportunity, identifying your opponent’s weak spots, and consistently going for the body.

8) Fight conservatively while avoiding excessive defense; that ploy tends to work against you on the judges’ cards.

9) Establish your ground and keep it; no backpedaling.

10) Time your punches right and you can block a punch with another punch.

AUDIENCE’S ATTENTION SPAN

Satiate the masses, the audience. The host nods and turns to the camera, “There you have it: Straight from the source, we have a sound strategy and one hell of a fight to look forward to.”

There will be a fight, sure, but will it consist of looking forward or looking back? I see X and he reminds me of how fast on my feet I had been before hitting thirty.

Looking forward is the same as looking back.

If I fight the past, I wonder if I can improve the future.

AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

Spencer waits until we are back in the dressing room to call me out on yet another error.

That error, yes, and I deserve it.

Not going to let you hear what he said but, more or less, he says what he always says — one eye closed, sighing, shaking his head, mid-shout he discusses how it makes me look. Fodder, more fuel for the promo machine.

I could explain myself but he’s not looking for explanations; Spencer explains how my comment is already spreading like wildfire, trending across social media sources; they have a snippet of the interview where I look like I’m under the influence of some kind of medication. Superimposed are my words, I THINK SO, in bold white. Five-second intervals repeated, I THINK SO.

I look like a wreck.

I THINK SO

Spencer explains how it’ll take two weeks to get this meme to die.

“Another fight we don’t need!”

And another thing he makes sure I recognize after every interview, every forsaken media spectacle, “It took us ten years to get them used to having me in the spotlight with you, holding your hand like you can’t think for yourself!”

Progress made seemingly shatters with a single error.

I THINK SO

It lingers like a stillborn thought.

And then Spencer repeats, “I think so!” in unison with the echo localized in my mind.

I hear it even though it’s no longer mine to have.

I fucked up. Yeah, I get it.

It’s just another fight, after all.

Spencer shouts, “What the hell is wrong with you, Willem?”

If I told him the truth, what I really fear, he would join in on the laughter. If I told him the truth, what I really want to do, he would figure me for an ungrateful client. He used to treat me like an equal, a friend; these days I will admit to having fallen off, momentum lost.

He carries me.

I used to carry him.

“I’m tired,” is all I tell him. Not quite an excuse but not far off either.

I can hear the audience…

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

I wonder if they are laughing with or at the guest.

There is wonder in the fact that they can forget the greatest news bites but fail to let something like I THINK SO go.

Negativity floats.

The positive swims for a second before swallowing too much seawater, and down it goes, to the very bottom of the sea.

I’d like to live there.

Think about it — down there, where no human being can subsist — I’d like to fight the ocean, the tides; I’d like to face myself in the mirror and see me for who I am now, not what I used to be.

A fighter loses the fight and it’s a slippery slope to rock bottom.

Can I hit rock bottom?

Can I live there?

NO

Spencer claps his hands together, “Hey!”

“Yeah…?”

Look at me. I must look like hell, pre-defeated before the prefight can even begin. Embarrassing.

“You say you’re tired well good because we have Bedside Chat next.”

I knew it was coming.

I’m not sure I’m ready yet.

But I don’t tell Spencer this. I keep it to myself.

Instead I ask, “What about training? I feel weak…I need to recondition myself for this fight.”

“We’ll get to that,” Spencer replies, waving his hand in the air, dismissing my query.

I need to hit the heavy bag, need to work the snap back into my jab.

Over the last couple years, I’ve barely trained at all.

Spencer with a poetic excuse, “Every step you take is a training exercise, now come on, let’s get going. We cannot be late to any scheduled press event. That’s the last thing we need, to be marked ‘LOP’ for the rematch.”

He means guests marked “LOP” are unpredictable and are known to skip events and/or crash events. You might as well not even go than be late to the junket. And if we were late, Spencer would say the same thing.

He’d tell the cabbie to turn around, sacrificing that event while we make our way to the next one, early.

Sure the excuse is good enough but that doesn’t make it true.

Training involves heart rate, toning, recuperation.

Most of the prefight window I’m staring into a camera, being criticized or considered a spectacle, an unfortunate celebrity.

I can’t say it ever was very exciting…

But maybe.

X seems to enjoy it, which means, well yeah, I must have liked all the attention too.

“Once upon a time.”

“What?”

I shake my head, “Nothing.”

“Well come on, hustle Will!”

Up and out of the dressing room, sprinting down the hall. Here we are, yet again, how many times have we done this?

Even if I knew I’d still find reason enough to forget.

Wish I could have selected what to keep versus what to forget.

I listen to the distant audience laughter as we step out into the back alley of the studio building.

I practice my introduction on the cabbie. Unresponsive, the cabbie takes a drag from his cigarette and says, “You’re that fighter.”

Yes, I am.

Whatever that means.

Label me a fighter.

How does that help define who I am?