Michael Seidlinger - The Laughter of Strangers

YOUR FLIGHT LEAVES IN TWO HOURS

Round one, I work on my footwork. Lights Out makes it easy, sprinting towards the ropes, making no attempt at facing me.

It’s my duty to keep him from climbing out of the ring.

He keeps me on the balls of my feet, strafing with my fists up, covering my face just in case he tries lunging at me.

I know enough about how I fight in the ring.

If it were I, I’d kick and squirm. I would try to land a head-butt right where it hurts most. However, for the majority of the round, Lights Out has no trouble reaching the ropes but by the time I get to him, he is an easy and effortless push back into the middle of the ring.

I see tears streaming down his face.

I tell him, “Hey now, calm yourself. This is only round one.”

DO YOU HEAR SOMETHING?

Round two I decide to work on my left-right-right jab combination. It isn’t a specialty but I have always had trouble switching up jabs. It’s too predictable jabbing with the same hand. Spencer always said that it pays to switch stances if you are the type of fighter that can switch from right to left and back.

I hide my southpaw stance for as long as I can — not because they don’t know that I’m a leftie but because it is frustrating to note that your opponent is still holding something back. But even trying to be unpredictable becomes predictable and with Black Mamba swimming around in my head, I’m going to try all sorts of strategies. I’m going to explore what it means to not make any sense. Black Mamba, You know what I hear?

I hear everyone laughing at you.

I hear that not all is what it seems.

THEY LOVED YOU AT THE HEIGHTS

Round three is all about continuing to practice the jab.

My mind circles around a thought bubble that has yet to burst. I want to know what it is but there is little more than the mental residue of sensation and the name ‘Nicole.’ The Heights.

I land a succession of jabs, watching Lights Out shut his eyes, bracing for impact. I work the stomach rather than merely going for the chin.

This is a sparring session. I don’t intend on going full-force, using whatever’s left in the tank.

The Heights. Half of the round passes before the bubble bursts and the details come crashing out. The Heights — a celebrity dinner party for cancer prevention. Black Mamba made an appearance. I made the party. It seems I delivered a speech that brought tears to their eyes and a smile to their faces.

What the hell was I thinking?

Well whatever it was, I did well.

I got their attention.

Proof that I can be peaceful as long as it’s about publicity.

THEY LOVED YOU AT ONLOCATION

During round four, Lights Out’s legs begin to buckle. I have to lift him up; he won’t (or maybe he can’t) stand up on his own feet. I threaten him to cooperate, “This is about winning the title!”

His eyes roll back into his skull.

I slap him across the face, “Don’t you realize how important this is for us?” By round five I’m propping him up, shouting into his face, “At this rate, you’ll never be me!” The round is a throwaway unless clinching is a worthy enough strategy (it isn’t — not for this fight).

By round six, I have to put Lights Out back with the rest.

“At least there are more of you. More the merrier, it seems.

“Hey X, want to redeem yourself? How about a couple rounds of sparring?” His eyes are closed.

“No…?”

Hear the uncertainty in my voice? That’s because I haven’t a clue where this is going, the kidnappings.

I shadowbox for the duration of the round.

Occasionally I stop to ask them questions about myself:

“Do I like chocolate?”

“Am I considered to be more of a dirty blonde or brown-haired man?”

“That last fight, it really didn’t look like it was me, huh?”

“That last fight felt like I was an imposter, right?”

I know…

It’s true.

“Imposter…”

“Which one of you is an imposter?”

“Am I the imposter?”

YOU ARE THE IMPOSTER

Shut the fuck up.

“Are you guys hearing this?”

“You know, Black Mamba? He’s in my damn head. I can hear him saying what he texts me.”

“You aren’t hearing this?”

THEY LOVED YOU AT GRETCHEN LIVE

“Everybody, what the hell is ‘Gretchen Live?’

“A daytime talk show?

“I don’t know what it is.”

Some of them stare. Some of them are barely there.

Some of them watch and nod.

One of them, Breakneck, looks like he’s given up the ghost, neck craned back at an impossible angle, skin like porcelain. Yeah, he’s probably towards the end of his run. I would say it’s a shame but I don’t really know what’s more shameful — the fact that he died while tied down or the fact that there are over eighteen of me more or less populating the basement.

The latter is likely to be the more shameful of the two.

“Gretchen Live, anyone?”

“X, you?”

I wish I could sleep away the next few days. Give it enough time and the memory unveils itself. How much would I relive in my dreams?

“Do I remember my dreams?

“Huh?

“What about this Gretchen Live thing? Anyone?”

I JUST TRIED TO CALL YOU

I check my phone, new voicemail. Fine, I’ll listen.

“Hey, it’s Willem …”

I brace for humiliation only to discover that I was the talk of the town. Gretchen loved what I had to say. I spoke intellectually about topics I don’t know anything about. I am able to hold a conversation with a prestigious daytime talk-show host and philanthropist.

I am a highlight for the day.

Other media venues recap what I said on Gretchen Live.

One quote is, “He’s poignant. Who would have thought — a pugilist that’s poignant?”

Return to my audience.

“How’s that for awesome and unexpected?”

What I’m looking for here is a laugh, a round of applause, but okay they aren’t in the mood and really I can’t expect them to share my enthusiasm.

This has everything to do with us but, somehow, at the same time, it is exclusively mine. Hey Black Mamba, worried that I’ve stolen of the spotlight?

Nothing.

No text, no reply.

Thought so.

What now?

Round seven.

THEY LOVED YOU AT SPARE CHANGE

Oh fucking hell.

“Do any of you know if I have a temper?”

I feel like I should have a temper; theoretically, a fighter can snap into sudden anger for almost no reason and people would forgive it. They’ll say something like:

He’s a fighter. Fighters are brimming with adrenaline and negative charge. It would stereotypically make sense that I lose my temper.

“Right?

“Anyone know if I know what I’m talking about?

“X? Of course not.”

Sometimes I do.

I feel momentary lapses of confidence and assurance, like right at this very moment, only to fall back into a semi-confused state.

I’m way too lost in my head, I think.

“I just want to make sure, do I have blue or brown eyes?

“When I throw one of my signature left hooks,” I throw a few, letting the last one hit the ropes, “do they look like they’d hurt?

“Well, do they?”

YOUR EYES ARE JET BLACK

They are brown, I assure you.

JET BLACK, LIKE THE SADDEST NIGHT

I ignore Black Mamba. I assert myself as the Willem Floures by walking up to the turnbuckle, climbing it and, from where I am, I look down at all of them, the number now being…

Via another head count:

Twenty-five.

I ask them, “Why are you Willem Floures?

“Why must you be the best Willem can be?

“Why do we beat the sense out of ourselves fight after fight?”

Round seven is a battle of the mind.