Mat Johnson - Drop

Going home, my pants hadn’t dried, so people stayed away from me on the trolley. Only $2.36 left from the binge of the previous night, I picked up another family-size can of Beefaroni for $2.09. It was the size of a small drum; it would do the job. At home, every dish was dirty, every pan or pot, so I peeled the red and white paper label off the can and sat it directly on the fire. Then I took a nap.

Awake, I remembered my hunger and ran to the kitchen to turn the burner off. I was afraid to touch the can. The top of it had popped out, giving it the shape of a torpedo. The sides were streaked black, the metal bubbled around the bottom. There was no more money, so I finished it off.

Three hours later it still felt heavy in my stomach, like I’d just swallowed it. I tried sitting on the toilet but nothing, so I lay back down, listened to the dog’s fuzzy swirls above me, the screams of ‘Nigger’ below. I dreamed that I was back in David’s Fiat going up Brixton High Street, trying to drive from the backseat, straining to reach the wheel and pedal as the car kept moving onto Effra Road. Struggling to touch the brake with my fingertips.

I woke up. There was a brick in my gut. I could feel its squareness, its porous red sides, its chipped corners, the weight sitting against my spine. I rose and the brick hung in the air with me. I would give birth to this, name it Fred. Fred, someday you will be a part of a great wall. But slowly Fred began to crumble, its edges breaking into hefty sheets that hailed on the floor of my rectum. Something spiraled through my intestines. I dove for the toilet, landing on it sideways with my feet hanging out the door.

I knew they could hear it through the walls, feel the vibrations like the MOVE bomb. The first explosion was relief and fecal shrapnel. The second, liquid propulsion. The third, the lining of my stomach, strings of flesh still clinging to my rectum walls. The next wave, acid, splashing through my anus and burning everything it touched, sizzling as it began to eat through the toilet’s porcelain bottom. So hot that I stood up, and I had begun to think I would never move again. Wiping it off me, it felt as if I were taking skin with it, revealing the orange fat and sore red muscle below. Steam rose from between my legs. Looking through them, the bowl was black like a roofer’s vat of tar. An obsidian nugget the size of a cat’s eye slid down into the soup below. Staring at it, my self-disgust peaked. The rest of the food that was still in me exploded from the back of my throat and out my mouth. The bottom of my stomach slapped the back of my tongue. I kept my head between my legs and into the bowl, looking at red vomit on black shit. Liquid strings linked my lips to the mess I had born. My climax of shame and suffering had finally arrived. I would die with my pants around my ankles.

Back on the futon, I tripped between consciousness and sleep like a thin rock skipping across a dark pond. Images repeated and twisted upon themselves, resurfacing after being mutilated to reassert themselves again. I would be on the Victoria Line tube but, arriving at Brixton station, the doors would not open and the train would pull out again, going further into darkness. Or I get out into the station, but the escalators only run down. Or I get out of the station but instead of staring across the road at the HMV or the Body Shop, I am in Camden, the New Jersey one. Even in my dreams, pain. I needed drugs: country hay domes of marijuana and Hershey Park rivers of hash, Cough syrup bottles held in a beer hat with straws leading to my mouth. Thick Pepto-Bismol cream to be drunk from pink half-gallon cartons. Cola syrup in brown medicinal bottles put in the fridge overnight.

It was suddenly very hot. As fast as my pores sweated, my flesh melted the beads to steam. My apartment had moved inside a radiator, the walls were hot plates, burning the blue paint in streaks of brown. Flame burst through nail holes. The glass of lightbulbs liquefied and oozed to the floor. The windows were clear taffy; if you wanted you could reach right through them. The smell of wood burning, of my flesh melting into the floor. My skin, soft butter, my eyes chocolate dots. They will make pancakes with my remains, sell them to better kids than I was so they can grow up strong. In the kitchen sink, china cracked from overbaking, silverware at the bottom forged together into one clump. Whatever was in the toilet bowl boiled over, malted septic sludge. Even the roaches were dying, a whole city under the sink going down like Pompeii, too busy with its own life to notice my disaster. This is what I’ve become, filth to burn in the fire. This is what I’ve built for myself. This is where David was, fire racing up curtains, floorboards buckling from heat. These were the flames that took that life. The specifics of his death didn’t matter because even the construction of this place was a form of suicide in itself. David, you bastard, you did it to yourself. Chris, you ignorant fuck, you couldn’t even learn from his mistake, could you? You had to blame yourself for it. You had to follow him here.

‘You’ve just got a fever. Now sit up.’ Alex held a glass of orange juice to my mouth. I didn’t remember calling her. Juice made my lips soft again and dripped across my chin. Rolling down my throat and cooling the cauldron. Citric acid burning whatever set me afire.

‘I’m going to make you get better,’ Alex told me, but I had just realized that it didn’t work that way. A place like this you built for yourself. Not Alex, not Margaret, not even Fionna if she had wanted to, no one could take someone else from their place of self-destruction. And not me, even if I’d moved in with him after he’d driven his wife away, tucking him in every night and waking him with tea in warm cups. Nobody could deconstruct this place but the one that built it. In this room, the sin was with the victim, the sin was the walls. So if I couldn’t blame myself for David’s edifice of ruin, why was I building my own to match it? Why not dream myself a wrecking ball?

Awake, the heat had deserted me and my body was mortal once more. My head hung off the edge of my futon and the back of my skull rested on the floor. Both windows were open, Alex was sitting along the wooden edge of one of them, reading a magazine, her shirt pulled up slightly on the side so I could see a roll of flesh easing out above her belt. She was digging in her nose and when she found something she wiped it on a tissue, made a face, then lobbed the paper into the trash. I closed my eyes again, waited a minute, and woke up officially by letting out a yawn.

‘Hey,’ I said, sitting up. Alex pulled herself down so that both feet were on the floor. Her hair was now in a bun, her head leaning against the glass of the window. A glance at my angel revealed a more beautiful image than any casual observer would be blessed with.

‘Well? How you feel?’

‘Better. I’m going to get better now.’ My shirt was off, I don’t know how that happened.

‘Well, I’m glad you’ve decided that. Who beat you up?’ Alex was looking at my ribs, grimacing.

‘Some dude on the street I had words with.’

‘You’re lucky you didn’t get shot.’

I stood up, nodding my agreement.

‘I’m going back to London now.’ I told her from the kitchen. The fridge had food; thank you, woman. There was more orange juice in a carton, and the angle of the hallway was good enough that I could drink it from the top without her seeing me.

‘Well, if that’s what you think you need to do, then do that. ‘Cause this is bullshit. This place was a fucking mess. This building looks like a crime scene. Your apartment is a pit, even without your touches. Unbelievable. I can’t believe you’ve been living like this. You know you could have stayed with me.’ I walked back to the living room. Alex was staring at me. The place looked as if she had swept. The newspapers were in a pile, so were the magazines. By the door were three full bags of trash. When I got out of here, I would find a way to treat her this well.