Zadie Smith: NW

If I ruled the world!

(Imagine that.)

I’d free all my sons.

Black diamonds and pearls.

If I ruled the world!

Was the song he was singing.

The rain got heavy. They stopped in a pub’s doorway, Jack Straw’s Castle.

Them shoes are bait.

They’re not shoes, they’re slippers.

They’re bait.

What’s wrong with them?

Why they so red?

I don’t know. I think I like red.

Yeah but why they got to be so bright? Can’t run can’t hide.

I’m not trying to hide. I don’t think I’m hiding. Why are we hiding?

Don’t ask me.

He sat down on the damp stone step. He rubbed at his eyes, sighed.

Bet there’s people that live in them woods, blud.

In the Heath?

Yeah. Deep in.

Maybe. I really don’t know.

Just living like animals in there. Had enough of this city. I’m tired of it right now for real. Bad luck follows me, Keisha. That’s the thing. I don’t follow bad luck. Bad luck follows me.

I don’t believe in luck.

You should. It rules the world.

He started singing again. Singing and rapping, though the two were so low and melancholy and close in sound that Natalie could barely tell the difference.

There’s that fucking ’copter again.

As he spoke, he took a packet of Golden Virginia from his pocket and flattened a Rizla on his knee. Natalie looked up. Nathan tried to tuck himself in the shadow of the doorway. Together they watched the rotating blades slice through a cover of cloud. They had smoked and smoked. She was as high as she’d ever been in her life.

This rain ain’t stopping neither.

I could show you a diary. Your name. Every third line — your name. My friend Leah, her diary. That was basically my childhood — listening to her talk about you! She’d never admit it but the man she ended up marrying — he looks like you.

Is it.

It’s just weird to me that you can be so vital to another person and never know it. You were so… loved. Why are you doing that? Don’t you believe me?

Nah, it’s just. That’s one piece of truth my mum did speak. Everyone loves up a bredrin when he’s ten. With his lickle ball’ead. All cute and lively. Everyone loves a bredrin when he’s ten. After that he’s a problem. Can’t stay ten always.

That’s a horrible thing to say to a child.

See but that’s how you see it — I don’t see it like that. To me it’s just truth. She was trying to tell me something true. But you don’t want to hear that. You want to hear some other shit. Oh Nathan I remember when you were this and that and you were all fucking sweet and shit, you get me? Nice memory. Last time I was in your yard I was ten, blud. Your mum ain’t let me past the gate after that, believe.

That’s not true!

Once I got fourteen she’s crossing the street acting like she ain’t even seen me. That’s how it is in my eyes. There’s no way to live in this country when you’re grown. Not at all. They don’t want you, your own people don’t want you, no one wants you. Ain’t the same for girls, it’s a man ting. That’s the truth of it right there.

But don’t you remember—

Oh Nathan ’member this, ’member that —truthfully Keisha I don’t remember. I’ve burned that whole business out of my brain. Different life. No use to me. I don’t live in them towers no more, I’m on the streets now, different attitude. Survival. That’s it. Survival. That’s all there is. Talking ’ bout “we went to the same school.” And what? What do you know about my life? When you been walking in my shoes? What do you know about living the way I live, coming up the way I came up? Sit on your bench judging me. Arksing me about “who are dem girls?” Keep your head in your own business, love. You and your fucking lezza friend. Bring her here I’ll tell her too. “You was so good at football, everybody loved you.” What good’s that to me? And you go home to your green and your life and where’s my green and my life? Sit on your bench. Talking out your neck about me. “How does it feel to be a problem?” What do you know about it? What do you know about me? Nothing. Who are you, to chat to me? Nobody. No-one.

Just in front of them a little drenched bird landed on a leaf and shook itself. A passing car took the corner sharply, sending up a sheet of water.

What you crying for now? You ain’t got shit to cry about.

Leave me alone. I know where I’m going. I don’t need you to walk me there.

Drama. You’re one of them types. Love drama.

I just want you to go. GO!

But I ain’t going nowhere though. Can’t run, can’t hide. Look, you don’t have to get all moody and that just because I talk some truth at you.

I want to be alone!

Want to feel sorry for yourself. Had some bust-up with your man. Half-caste, your man is. I seen him getting on at Kilburn with his briefcase. Look at you all sorry for yourself. You know you made it when you’re crying over that shit. You give me jokes.

I don’t feel sorry for myself. I don’t feel anything for myself. I just want to be alone.

Yeah well you don’t always get what you want.

Natalie stood up and tried to run. Almost at once she caught a soggy slipper in a divot in the road and was down on her knees.

Where you going? Give it up, man! Give it up! How many more times?

The rain fell harder than before. She saw his hand stretched out for her. She ignored it, put her hands on her right knee and sprang up. She shook her arms and legs out like a gymnast. She stood up and started walking as fast as she could but when she looked over her shoulder he was still behind her.

I see you trying to work me out.

I’m not trying to do anything. Face front!

You finished? You take long.

There’s more involved for a woman.

Best hurry up. Some geezer and his dog heading in.

What!

Nah. Chill.

I wish you’d leave me alone.

I ain’t saying nothing.

But you are saying something.

Pick-er-nick time. Let’s all have a pick-er-nick.

So? I used to go to picnics here. Picnics. You never had a picnic? I’m trying to describe to you what a normal life looks like.

Yeah. You love up explaining.

I used to come up here with my church.

There you go.

There you go what? You never came up here?

Nope.

Never. You never were on Hampstead Heath. When we were kids. You never came up here.

Why would I come up here?

I don’t know, because it’s free, because it’s beautiful. Trees, fresh air, ponds, grass.

Weren’t my scene.

What do you mean it wasn’t your scene? It’s everybody’s scene! It’s nature!

Calm down. Pull your knickers up.

Stop following me. You keep talking to me. I can’t hear myself think. I need to be alone now.

But I ain’t in your dream Keisha. You’re in mine.

I’m serious. I need you to go now.

No, but you’re missing it. Listen: my dream is my dream. You get me? Your dream is your dream. You can’t dream my dream. What you eat don’t make me shit. You get me? That’s my dream — you can’t get in there.

Jesus Christ you sound like the Magic Negro.

I’m pure magic.

Just go home!

I ain’t going nowhere.

If you’re going to hurt me, there’s no point. You’re too late.

Now why would you even say that to me? We’re walking nice and friendly. I’m not a bad person, Keisha. Why you acting like I’m some kind of bad man. You remember me. You know who I am.

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know who anybody is. Stop following me.