Jon McGregor - If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things

I said I was enjoying becoming friends, I don’t want to lose that and, and then I trailed off and said goodbye and hung up.

He phoned back later, when I was almost in bed, the answerphone kicked in and when he spoke he said if you’re there don’t pick up please I just wanted to say something.

He said I don’t want you to be sorry, it was me, don’t be embarrassed, it was nice but I can’t, he stopped and he said, we can’t.

He said, I’ve got your jumper, I’ll bring it round, sometime.

I spoke to my mother again, the day after Michael had been and gone.

She was talking about money.

She said I’ve been looking in some shops, things are ever so expensive now you know, I was adding it all up and I don’t think we can afford it.

I told her my job paid well, I could save, I could buy secondhand, and she said yes in the slow way she does when she means no.

She said of course you know there is someone else who could help out and I said mum no.

She said I’ve made a few calls, I’ve got the number of the place where the wake was held, they told me they’ve got all the same staff they had then, I said mum, no, please.

She said that’s assuming you know his name? and I told her of course I knew his name and I told her I wasn’t going to tell her what it was.

She said it’s not right, imagine if I’d done that to your father and we both slammed the phone down at the same time, and I realised that healing would not come so easily, that I must concentrate now on not piling it up inside and not passing it on.

The woman behind the desk calls a name, I look up but it’s not mine.

And when Sarah came round at the weekend, finally, she wanted to know everything.

It was awkward at first, I thought it would be easier than talking on the phone but it took a while to get used to being in the room with her, she looked different, older, sharper.

But then she laughed, and her eyes screwed up and she looked the same as always, and we were talking the way we used to, finishing sentences for each other, waving our hands for emphasis, choking on funny stories.

I told her what I’d done to make Michael run away, and she pretended to be appalled but she kept asking for details.

She asked if I’d seen him since then and I told her no but I wanted to, I said he’s still got my jumper and she laughed.

I didn’t tell her about my mother, about how she reacted, what my dad had told me about her.

She asked how it happened, who it was, and I told her, and I told her a lot, who he was, what we did, the look and the shape of him, his voice.

She was shocked and she was delighted and she said oh but what are you going to do now and I told her I didn’t know.

He turns to me and he says are you okay are you worried, and I say no I’m fine I’m just thinking.

And also I didn’t tell Sarah about Michael’s brother, what Michael had told me about him, the things I’d found out and the things I wanted to find out.

I didn’t tell her about those photos, of people in the street, of me, of the twins jumping around in the rain that day.

I didn’t tell her about the broken clay figure I’ve still got, in my room, the two pieces of it on the bedside table, waiting to be put back together again.

I wasn’t sure that she’d understand.

The woman behind the desk calls a name, I look at her, she calls it again, it’s my name and I stand and I walk towards her.

She gives me a bundle of forms, she points which way to go, and when I turn round I see Michael is still sitting down, looking at me.

I say come on, please, I say I want you to be there with me, and he stands and he walks with me to the room.

The doctor looks at some notes, she asks how I’m feeling and smiles when I say I’ve been sick a lot, she takes my blood pressure, my pulse, she takes a stethoscope from a case and listens to my breathing.

Michael sits off to one side, looking away slightly, as if he’s embarrassed, as if he’s not sure he should be here.

She says okay then shall we see how the little one’s getting on?

I lie down on the bed, she undoes my shirt and all three of us look at the slight swell of my belly, the smooth tight stretch of the skin, the first hint of fullness.

I look at it, I look up at her, I look at Michael and I feel a sudden pride in what is happening to my body, the miracle of it, the strange neatness of it.

She rubs a thin layer of pale green gel onto my stomach, she says there’s nothing to be worried about, I just need you to relax and lie nice and still.

I look over at Michael, I say don’t you want to see, he looks back and I say please, come and sit next to me, I want you to.

He looks awkward, he picks up his chair and he puts it next to the bed, he sits down and he says sorry, I wasn’t being rude I just.

The doctor pulls a trolley closer to the bed, there’s a monitor on it, wires and gadgets, she turns the trolley so I can see the screen.

She says is that okay for you, and I nod.

She holds up the scanner, it’s small and white and fits into the cup of her hand, she says this might be cold and she presses it against my belly.

I look at the screen, I see black and white lines, patterns, movement.

It looks like a museum exhibit of the world’s first television pictures, I look and I’m scared and I don’t want to look.

I feel a warmth, and I realise that I am holding Michael’s hand, and that this makes me feel safer, more able to open my eyes and look at the blur on the screen.

I’m surprised, but I’m glad, I realise that this is what I wanted that night last week, to simply make a connection and keep hold of it.

He doesn’t say anything.

He doesn’t look at me, or the screen, he looks up towards the ceiling somewhere, blinking.

He blinks quickly, tightly, as if he’s nervous, like his brother.

I’m sorry he says, quietly, I can’t look.

I squeeze his hand, tightly.

The doctor points to a shadow of light, curled like a new moon across the bottom left of the picture.

There she says, can you see, these are the hands, there she says, this is the head.

I look, and I don’t speak, and I recognise what she is pointing to, I see the tiny foetal clutch of new life.

I look and I don’t speak, and all I can think of is names, names hurtling through my head like asteroids.

The doctor points to a shadow of light, curled like a second new moon across the bottom right of the picture.

There she says, can you see, this is the sibling’s head, these are the sibling’s hands.

I don’t hear her for a moment, I don’t understand what she is saying.

I feel Michael’s other hand reaching for mine, his two hands wrapping tightly around mine, I hear him whisper oh my God.

The doctor says now let’s make sure they’re both okay.

Outside, standing by the side of the road and wondering what to do now, I realise we are still holding hands.

I feel as though I’ve discovered I’m pregnant all over again.

I feel shocked and excited and confused and close to tears.

I blink, closing my eyes tightly and opening them again to the brightness and the colour of the world.

I remember the boy from Aberdeen, his soft warm voice saying it’s like being called to your place in the way of things, I remember my dad saying not anything other than a blessing and a gift.

I remember my mum saying have you thought of a name yet, I remember the names hurtling through my head while I lay there looking at the screen.

I smile and I hold up the printout, the two new-moon shapes like echoes of each other, I smile and I say maybe I’ll name them after you and your brother, what do you think?

There’s a sudden screeching sound, a skid, and we turn and see a car at the traffic lights with smoke drifting away from its tyres.