Mavis Gallant - Varieties of Exile

It was hard to say how long he had been looking at me. His lips were trying to form a word. I bent close and heard, “Sponge.”

“Did you say ‘sponge’? Is ‘sponge’ what you said?”

“Sponge,” he agreed. He made an effort: “Bad night last night. Awful. Wiped everything with my sponge — blood, spit. Need new sponge.”

There wasn’t a bed table, just a plastic bag that hung on the bedrail with his personal things in it. I got out the sponge. It needed to be thrown away, all right. I said, “What color?”

“Eh?”

“This,” I said, and held it up in front of him. “The new one. Any special color?”

“Blue.” His voice broke out of a whisper all at once. His eyes were mocking me, like a kid seeing how far he can go. I thought he would thank me now, but then I said to myself, You can’t expect anything; he’s a sick man, and he was always like this.

“Most people think it was pretty good of me to have come here,” I wanted to explain — not to boast or anything, but just for the sake of conversation. I was lonely there, and I had so much trouble understanding what anybody was saying.

“Bad night,” my father whispered. “Need sedation.”

“I know. I tried to tell the doctor. I guess he doesn’t understand my French.”

He moved his head. “Tip the nurses.”

“You don’t mean it!”

“Don’t make me talk.” He seemed to be using a reserve of breath. “At least twenty dollars. The ward girls less.”

I said, “Jesus God!” because this was new to me and I felt out of my depth. “They don’t bother much with you,” I said, talking myself into doing it. “Maybe you’re right. If I gave them a present, they’d look after you more. Wash you. Maybe they’d put a screen around you — you’d be more private then.”

“No, thanks,” my father said. “No screen. Thanks all the same.”

We had one more conversation after that. I’ve already said there were always women slopping around in the ward, in felt slippers, and bathrobes stained with medicine and tea. I came in and found one — quite young, this one was — combing my father’s hair. He could hardly lift his head from the pillow, and still she thought he was interesting. I thought, Kenny should see this.

“She’s been telling me,” my father gasped when the woman had left. “About herself. Three children by different men. Met a North African. He adopts the children, all three. Gives them his name. She has two more by him, boys. But he won’t put up with a sick woman. One day he just doesn’t come. She’s been a month in another place; now they’ve brought her here. Man’s gone. Left the children. They’ve been put in all different homes, she doesn’t know where. Five kids. Imagine.”

I thought, You left us . He had forgotten; he had just simply forgotten that he’d left his own.

“Well, we can’t do anything about her, can we?” I said. “She’ll collect them when she gets out of here.”

“If she gets out.”

“That’s no way to talk,” I said. “Look at the way she was talking and walking around…” I could not bring myself to say “and combing your hair.” “Look at how you are,” I said. “You’ve just told me this long story.”

“She’ll seem better, but she’ll get worse,” my father said. “She’s like me, getting worse. Do you think I don’t know what kind of ward I’m in? Every time they put the screen around a patient, it’s because he’s dying. If I had TB, like they tried to make me believe, I’d be in a TB hospital.”

“That just isn’t true,” I said.

“Can you swear I’ve got TB? You can’t.”

I said without hesitating, “You’ve got a violent kind of TB. They had no place else to put you except here. The ward might be crummy, but the medicine…the medical care…” He closed his eyes. “I’m looking you straight in the face,” I said, “and I swear you have this unusual kind of TB, and you’re almost cured.” I watched, without minding it now, a new kind of bug crawling along the base of the wall.

“Thanks, Billy,” said my father.

I really was scared. I had been waiting for something without knowing what it would mean. I can tell you how it was: It was like the end of the world.

“I didn’t realize you were worried,” I said. “You should of asked me right away.”

“I knew you wouldn’t lie to me,” my father said. “That’s why I wanted you, not the others.”

That was all. Not long after that, he couldn’t talk. He had deserted his whole family once, but I was the one he abandoned twice. When he died, a nurse said to me, “I am sorry.” It had no meaning, from her, yet only a few days before, it was all I thought I wanted to hear.

ON NEW YEAR’S Eve the Plummers took Amabel to the opera.

“Whatever happens tonight happens every day for a year,” said Amabel, feeling secure because she had a Plummer on either side.

Colonel Plummer’s car had broken down that afternoon; he had got his wife and their guest punctually to the Bolshoi Theater, through a storm, in a bootleg taxi. Now he discovered from his program that the opera announced was neither of those they had been promised.

His wife leaned across Amabel and said, “Well, which is it?” She could not read any Russian and would not try.

She must have known it would take him minutes to answer, for she sat back, settled a width of gauzy old shawl on her neck, and began telling Amabel the relative sizes of the Bolshoi and some concert hall in Vancouver the girl had never heard of. Then, because it was the Colonel’s turn to speak, she shut her eyes and waited for the overture.

The Colonel was gazing at the program and putting off the moment when he would have to say that it was Ivan Susanin , a third choice no one had so much as hinted at. He wanted to convey that he was sorry and that the change was not his fault. He took bearings: He was surrounded by women. To his left sat the guest, who mewed like a kitten, who had been a friend of his daughter’s, and whose name he could not remember. On the right, near the aisle, two quiet unknown girls were eating fruit and chocolates. These two smelled of oranges; of clothes worn a long time in winter; of light recent sweat; of women’s hair. Their arms were large and bare. When the girl closest to him moved slightly, he saw a man’s foreign wristwatch. He wondered who she was, and how the watch had come to her, but he had been here two years now — long enough to know he would never be answered. He also wondered if the girls were as shabby as his guest found everyone in Moscow. His way of seeing women was not concerned with that sort of evidence: Shoes were shoes, a frock was a frock.

The girls took no notice of the Colonel. He was invis-ible to them, wiped out of being by a curtain pulled over the inner eye.

He felt his guest’s silence, then his wife’s. The visitor’s profile was a kitten’s, to match her voice. She was twenty-two, which his Catherine would never be. Her gold dress, packed for improbable gala evenings, seemed the size of a bathing suit. She was divorcing someone, or someone in Canada had left her — he remembered that, but not her name.

He moved an inch or two to the left and muttered, “It’s Ivan .”

“What?” cried his wife. “What did you say?”

In the old days, before their Catherine had died, when the Colonel’s wife was still talking to him, he had tried to hush her in public places sometimes, and so the habit of loudness had taken hold.

“It isn’t Boris . It isn’t Igor . It’s Ivan . They must both have had sore throats.”

“Oh, well, bugger it,” said his wife.